the olive ream

OLIVE REAM RELAUNCHED

2007-01-22T23:54:00.000+04:00

Please make requisite changes to your bookmarks or links

My new blog home is:

www.theoliveream.com

see you there...

KARACHI BLOG MEET

2007-01-14T09:21:00.000+04:00

L-R: Khawar, Jamal, Sabeen, Sabahat and Awab

L-R: Jamal, Sabeen, Furqan, Insiya, (?), ZAK, Madeeha and Awab

L-R: Sabeen, Insiya, Salma, (?) and ZAK

L-R: Faisal, Madeeha and Ali

L-R: Insiya, Salma, ?, Madeeha, ZAK, Mansoor and Awab

Khawar interviewing Ali Khurshid while Madeeha and Jamal listen intently.

L-R: Khawar, Jamal, Sabeen, Furqan, Insiya, Salma, (?) and Awab

Bloggers busy chatting or ignoring me or both (hah!)

(Left) Sabahat and Awab in a serious intellectual chinwag...or so it seems.

Deja View 1- very cathedral like

Deja View 2 - Upstairs.
----
More details regarding this gathering can be found at Awab's metroblog post [here], including photos by Insiya. You will find the links to all the respective blogs there as well. Madeeha has also got a very interesting take on the blog meeting [here], so be sure to check it out.

Venue: Deja Vu
Date: 4th Jan, 2007
Time: 1:30 pm
---
It was a real pleasure meeting all the bloggers in person (finally). Great venue, great food and great company, what else can one ask for? (a large amount of cash in unmarked bills would have been nice but 3 out of 4 ain't bad.) It was shame that gathering was only for a couple of hours. Needed more time to have a chat with each one of you. I hope more meetings like this are organized in the future - I can always make a quick trip to Karachi to see you all again.

I've captioned the photos and have tried to identify as many bloggers as I could. For the fear of getting a name wrong, I've left some out for you to fill in the blanks. Please feel free to comment and leave any names I might have missed out. And know that I have met all of you...stay in touch!!

A big thank you to Awab and Madeeha for their help and hospitality during my visit to Karachi and for organizing this event.

Note: The initial image of my sneakers is based on Madeeha's request. She wanted to take a picture of them but never got around to it so I obliged. Just so you all know, I don't have a fetish for advertising my footwear on the net, but for a good friend I made an exception this time.

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

2006-12-06T14:00:00.000+04:00

Meanwhile...listen to the genius of one of my true favourites:

OUT ON A 100

2006-12-04T15:20:00.000+04:00

[Cue sad music]

Being this my 100th post, I would like to take this opportunity to announce the retirement of The Olive Ream. This blog has had a good run over the last two years. And I have, through this blog, been introduced to some wonderful people and made some very good friends. But it is time for my political drivel to come to an end - or at least go on a voluntary sabbatical for an unknown period. I hope to resurface again at some point (sooner or later) with an another blog (or perhaps even the same) but with a new broader concept.

Quoting lyrics from a favourite musician, "I need to take leave of my senses, to get a moment's rest".

This is the end of The Olive Ream but not of Over A Mile, as I shall continue to blog there and continue writing for Global Voices Online, so officially I am still blogging. You can get in touch with me via email or through my photo blog. And I shall continue to make my rounds of all my favourite blogs and leave my strange comments for you to ponder on (or laugh at).

Thank you to everyone who enjoyed my posts. I sincerely appreciated and enjoyed all your comments.

As a last farewell to this blog, I present the BEST OF ...

- 25 Years of CNN
- Welcome to Pax Americana
- The Mullah Ruse
- Special Offer
- A brief encounter of the prostitute kind
- Chicken sh*t for the soul
- Bloggers Soliloquy
- A room with view points
- For Sale
- Precursory Rhyme
- No Worries
- The Dementia Code
- Super Bush
- Headlines
- Recipe for Disaster
- Lulla-bye to free speech

I'll let The Sundays, sing my goodbye to you, " And I vow that it's goodbye and God bless. ... (my) stories were a good read they were dumb as well"

Peace and good fortune (cookies) to all of you!

T.O.R. MUSIC BOX

2006-12-03T13:18:00.000+04:00

[Inspired by Insiya's post]

I don't 'want my MTV' as it plays such awful music most of the time (full of boy bands, Britney Spears and the relentless Paris Hilton nightmare) that I feel like smashing in my TV. So rather than waste money on buying another Television, I've decided to create my own video juke box (courtesy YouTube). This is just a small sample of what I listen to.

Hope you enjoy these videos/songs as much as I do because if you don't then there must be something wrong with you. ;)

NOTE: For those with a snail's pace internet access, please click PAUSE and wait for the video to download in full before you watch it. Broadband users, click play and enjoy. Just don't click on all videos at once. I don't know what will happen, but I think your computer might explode. Headphones are strongly recommended by the surgeon general of this post.

DAVID GRAY - Alibi

For those of you who are familiar with my photo blog, you can already guess that I listen to A LOT of David Gray because I quote him incessantly on that blog. Perhaps, this song (and video) will give you an idea why I like his music so much.

DAVID GRAY - Please forgive me

An impeccable song and fantastic video to boot. Make sure to watch the video till the end. There's a surprise ending.

A-HA - I wish I cared

This was the first music video released exclusively for the web (using vector graphics). Madonna and other artists followed this trend set by A-ha, but I believe this video still stands out as the best. Obviously, the song is brilliant.

A-HA - Lifelines

Another great song by A-ha with an amazing video. See the passing of a year in just 4 and half minutes.

TEXAS - Inner Smile

Love the song and the video (best Elvis impersonation in a music video). And if you want to know what the singer (Sharleen Spiteri) actually looks like, check out the next video in this list.

TEXAS - SAY WHAT YOU WANT

Love the song but love the video even more because of Sharleen. She is so damn beautiful (aaahhh!) it hurts ... but in a nice way. :)

NENEH CHERRY and YOUSSOU N'DOUR – 7 seconds

Beautiful song and an equally beautiful video to match.

TANITA TIKARAM - I don't want to lose at love

Have followed her music since her debut single (Twist in my Sobriety). With a husky male voice and strange lyrics, you'd think that she wouldn't have much of a following but she does. I think she is brilliant and I absolutely love this song.

DEL AMITRI - Tell Her This

Lead singer Justin Currie is an extremely witty, intelligent and a foul-mouthed Scottish individual who writes some amazing lyrics and looks weird in most of the music videos he is in.

DEPECHE MODE - Precious

If you haven't heard of Depeche Mode then we have to remedy that fact with this video. Anyways, Love the song and the video because of its surreal CG animation work.

PETER GABRIEL - In Your Eyes

One of the best live performance videos out there (where? I don't know). Peter (the genius behind World Music) is performing here with the brilliant Youssou N'Dour.

KEANE - Crystal Ball

Relatively new band with refreshingly good music/melodies. This is a great video as well.

ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN - Lips like sugar

Ian McCulloch and the lads were a favourite during the 80s. Still sounds as interesting and catchy as it did then. The video epitomizes the late 80s alternative look, as does Ian's hairstyle.

THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH - Song for whoever

A great band with a wicked sense of humour that shows up frequently in most of their lyrics. Check out the video.

RODDY FRAME - How men are (LIVE)

Another singer/songer from the land of the Scots, with a remarkable talent for poetic lyrics. This video is an oldy but a goody.

COLDPLAY - Speed of sound

Like their music, like this song and the video. Don't ask me why.

THE SUNDAYS - Wild Horses

My absolute favourite band (now disbanded). Harriet Wheeler's voice is angelic and Dave Gavurin's melodies are brilliant. This next video is their version of Stones song written by Jagger and Richards.

THE SUNDAYS - Here's where the story ends

The debut single by the Sundays. Still a favourite...

THE SUNDAYS - Summertime

From their last album. The lyrics are cheeky and amusing and Harriet looks so pretty and sounds so wonderful.

COCTEAU TWINS - Heaven or Las Vegas

Have enjoyed their music from my college days - still do. And for the uninitiated, don't try to figure out the lyrics, as they are purposely nonsensical. Elizabeth Frazer's voice was used like an instrument to compliment Robin Gutherie's guitar work. Great experimental music.

THE BLUE NILE - Headlights on the parade

An adult alternative Synth-pop band headed by Paul Buchanan, making incredibly intelligent music, which is probably why they do not have a massive following.
This song is from the Album Hats, and is an all time favourite.

--
Well that is all for this post. Working on another music post, so please send in your suggestions. I am still compiling my favourite Pakistani music videos/songs so if you know of any good source sites for that let me know.
--

MUTE THIS NEWT

2006-12-02T16:36:00.000+04:00

At a recent dinner at the Nackey S. Loeb School of Communications celebrating First Amendment, Newt Gingrich (former Speaker of the House and a possible presidential candidate for 2008) stood up and honored free speech with these words: [My comments are in italics]

NEWT GINGRICH [sounds like a name for a plague riddled long tailed amphibian]:

…The third thing I want to talk about very briefly is the genuine danger of terrorism in particular terrorists using weapons of mass destruction and weapons of mass murder, nuclear and biological weapons. [Although we do not have any specific historical reference of terrorists using WMDS, nuclear or biological, I think it might serve us well to be fearful of the US Administration's planned use of mini-nukes on a future attack on Iran, the same way they have utilized the DU bombs in Iraq.] And I want to suggest to you that right now we should be impaneling people to look seriously at a level of supervision that we would never dream of if it weren’t for the scale of threat. [And I want to suggest to you that right now we should be impaling the heartless bastards responsible for torturing, unlawfully detaining and murdering innocent civilians under the guise of War on Terror.]

Let me give you two examples. When the British this summer arrested people who were planning to blow up ten airliners in one day, they arrested a couple who were going to use their six month old baby in order to hide the bomb as baby milk. [The 'baby bottle as a bomb' story is as credible as the hijackers without any passports and airline tickets planning to get on ten different airliners. I think the writers at the DOD, MOD and 'the lack of severe' intelligence agencies really need to work on better scripts than that to frighten the general populace.]

Now, if I come to you tonight and say that there are people on the planet who hate you, and they are 15-25 year old males who are willing to die as long as they get to kill you, I’ve simply described the warrior culture which has been true historically for 6 or 7 thousand years. [If you came to me with that story, I'd first kick your teeth in for being an ethnocentric prick and then ask you to source a more credible document of history than 'The Neocon's Guide to Distorting History for Nefarious Purposes'].

But, if I come to you and say that there is a couple that hates you so much that they will kill their six month old baby in order to kill you, I am describing a level of ferocity, and a level of savagery beyond anything we have tried to deal with. [Yes, because we are only accustomed to the savagery of the DU bombs blowing to smithereens innocent civilians including men, women and children on the pretense of selling Democracy and Freedom.]

And, what is truly frightening about the British experience is they are arresting British citizens, born in Britian, speaking English, who went to British schools, live in British housing, and have good jobs. [You conveniently forgot to mention the main point which makes it truly frightening Newt, and that is that most of these people are innocent!]

This is a serious long term war, and it will inevitably lead us to want to know what is said in every suspect place in the country [like the White House, DOD, Pentagon, PNAC, AIPAC, etc.] that will lead us to learn how to close down every website that is dangerous [specifically www. newt.org], and it will lead us to a very severe approach to people who advocate the killing of Americans [meaning Bush and yourself advocating sending more troops to be sent to Iraq to die for your cause] and advocate the use of nuclear of biological weapons [like the US has for many years by building the largest biological weapons stockpile in the World].

And, my prediction to you is that either before we lose a city, or if we are truly stupid [speak for yourself Newt], after we lose a city, we will adopt rules of engagement that use every technology we can find to break up their capacity to use the internet, to break up their capacity to use free speech, [but the US Administration and many other governments are already doing that you insufferable git] and to go after people who want to kill us to stop them from recruiting people before they get to reach out and convince young people to destroy their lives while destroying us. [Perhaps Newt you cannot see how unbelievably insane and illogical your reasoning sounds to the sane people of this world. You daft prick, 'real' terrorists don't need to use free speech podiums and websites to post classifieds for terrorist recruitment. Only Fox News version of terrorists do that, like Ossama Bin Laden with explosives (who has a past history of association with suspect intelligence agencies).]

This is a serious problem that will lead to a serious debate about the first amendment, but I think that the national security threat of losing an American city to a nuclear weapon, or losing several million Americans to a biological attack is so real that we need to proactively, now, develop the appropriate rules of engagement. [Of all the fear mongering bullshit I've heard recently this certainly takes the cake. So basically, he thinks shutting down websites and curtailing free speech will keep America safe. And this man might become the next President of the United States. Now that is the real cause of FEAR.]

And, I further think that we should propose a Geneva convention for fighting terrorism which makes very clear that those who would fight outside the rules of law [like the US Government does by unlawfully torturing and detaining citizens from around the world], those who would use weapons of mass destruction [like the US government has done with Japan and plans to do with Iran], and those who would target civilians [like the US Government has for many years in many different countries, overtly or covertly] are in fact subject to a totally different set of rules that allow us to protect civilization by defeating barbarism before it gains so much strength that it is truly horrendous. [Yes, so let's get rid of the Globalists, the Neocons, and the military industrial complex for starters.]

(APPLAUSE)

[UP YOURS!]

UNHOLY MATRIMONY

2006-11-28T03:39:00.000+04:00

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of War On Terror (WOT) and the Threat Of Terrorism (TOT) in the bonds of unholy matrimony. Let us call upon our insanity as we commemorate this union of two into one. For the sake of the Power, the Gun and the Fermented Spirit. Amen

Globalists, bless and consecrate WOT and TOT in their correlation and admiration for each other. May these rings signify their true interdependence of each other, and always remind us of their unholy communion.

In piece(s) let us pray.

Bilderbergers, hear our prayers for WOT and TOT who have come here today to be united in the sacrament of marriage. Increase their faith in avarice and in each other, and through them bless our Globalist agenda. Make their union fruitful so that they may be living witnesses to the complete annihilation of security and civil liberties in the world.

The powers that be have already consecrated you in fascism and now enriches and strengthens you by a special bond so that you may assume the duties of marriage of mutual and lasting infidelity towards the masses. And so, in the presence of the suffering public here present, I ask you to state your intentions.

WOT and TOT, have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?

WOT: Hell ya!

TOT: You betcha!

Since it is your intention to enter into marriage, with your hands joined and with the public's tied behind their backs, declare your consent before your community of fellow Neocons and Extremists.

WOT, do you take TOT for your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for personal pleasure, for copious amounts of cash, for unbelievable amount of power, only in good health, until you both shall live or the end of the planet, whichever comes first.

WOT: I do.

TOT, do you take… oh bugger it! Same question.

TOT: I do.

You may now exchange the rings.

WOT: TOT, I give you this ring as a symbol of my woahs, oohs and aaahs and with all that I am and all that I have usurped from the public because of you, I honour you.

TOT: WOT, I give you this ring as a symbol of my let's get it ons, ride me big boys and me love you long times and all that I am and all that I destroyed for the sake of our mutual benefit, I honour you.

Imperialist Father, keep them always true to your commandments. Keep them faithful in marriage and let them be primary examples of satan's minions.

Our Authoritarian Father who aren't in heaven (obviously), hollowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come (in the form of suspect terrorist threats and resulting military attacks on sovereign nations), thy won't be done (on earth until you've sucked the last drop of oil and murdered a considerably large number of world's population). Lead us into temptation but deliver us cash in only unmarked bills. Amen.

By the grace of Bush, I now, pronounce you as husband and wife.

You may now kiss my ass!

BLINKING CURSOR

2006-11-25T00:36:00.000+04:00

Me: What the heck are you doing?

I: What?

Me: You've been staring at this blank page for the last half hour, and you haven't written a word.

I: I know, I was trying to gather my thoughts.

Me: Any success?

I: Yes, I've identified everything I don't want to write about.

Me: Which leaves?

I: Very little of relevance.

Me: Oh! So you're working under the assumption that so far your blog posts have been relevant?

I: Good point. Perhaps not all but may be one or two.

Me: A bit full of yourself, aren't you?

I: One has to be, especially when dealing with the likes of you.

Me: That is pretty surreal of you.

I: Blame yourself.

Me: Why don't you regurgitate the same 'political' drivel that you've posted earlier?

I: That would be repetitive. I've addressed the same subject matter in different posts before but I try at least to present it in a new light.

Me: Do you realize how utterly pretentious that sounded?

I: I do unfortunately but there is a semblance of truth to it.

Me: Listen, you're boring the crap out of me. Don't think too much. Just write anything and get it over with!

I: That's a fine attitude for a blogger.

Me: Hey! Don't knock it until you've tried it. Besides, it does work for a lot of people.

I: Not for me. I need to think out clearly what I want to write about or else it won't work.

Me: You arrogant git! You think your posts get read?

I: Yes they do… well sometimes anyway.

Me: I've seen the stats to your site and you'd be lucky if you even get two hits a day.

I: I don't really care. I write for myself primarily, anyway.

Me: What a massive whopper of lie. Who do you think you are talking to anyway?

I: Okay fine, I write for other people as well sometimes but mostly it is for me.

Me: Your pants are still on fire!

I: Oh, bugger off!

Me: Why should I? I finally got a chance to set you straight.

I: What's your problem you daft prat?

Me: You! You are my problem. Nothing you've written so far is of any importance. You words are shite. And I know 'funny' and you aren't even in a 100 mile radius of even something remotely amusing.

I: You're just jealous. I have a tinge of funny in all my posts and you know it.

Me: No, I don't! In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you're posts are so pathetically sad, that they've actually made me cry.

I: At least it invokes some reaction.

Me: Yes, but the wrong one!

I: Why are you getting so emotional? Calm the hell down.

Me: You piss me off, that's why.

I: So what do you want me to do? Quit blogging?

Me: Yes, why not? It'll save me the headache of your incessant rants.

I: Just for that, I will continue blogging.

Me: Not if I can help it.

I: What are you going to do?

Me: Continue to interrupt you while you are pretending to be writing something of importance.

I: Like now you mean?

Me: Yes. You haven't written anything so far. I still see the blank page, which obviously means that my ploy is working.

I: Actually, it hasn't worked. You've just given me enough content for a full post, if I just type out this conversation.

Me: You can't do that?!

I: Why not? It is my blog and I can post anything I like.

Me: Because you'll look like a schizophrenic dweeb to all your readers, that's why!

I: I thought you said I'd be lucky if I get two hits a day on my blog, so why are you so worried?

Me: Because it would be frightfully embarrassing if even one person reads this post.

I: You know you shouldn't have said that because now I'll definitely have to write this as a post.

Me: No, you won't, I know you. You'll chicken out.

I: Oh? Is that a dare?

Me: Yes.

I: Alright then.

Me: No, wait, wait! You can't do this. Stop!!...

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS

2006-11-18T16:33:00.000+04:00

- Smart bombs are almost exclusively utilized by dumb leaders.

- Stand near a vacuum cleaner, swallow copious spoonfuls of freeze dried coffee and you shall have enough energy to deal with boring relatives and their annoying children. This is called the Theory of Special Relatives: E = mc2. Where E = your energy level, is directly proportional to m (your mass i.e. body weight) multiplied by C2 ( coffee intake squared i.e. caffeine overdose). Einstein was right, apparently.

- For those celebrating the resignation of Rumsfeld, please take the time out to peruse the background on his replacement, Robert M. Gates. Gates (ex-CIA) was directly involved with the Iran contra fiasco, and happened to integrate the Iraq Study Group (ISG). ISG's main objective was to ensure the continuity of the US Military agenda in the Middle East. Gates nomination serves the interest of the Texas oil companies and the military industrial complex. (So, no change there). For supporters of the Democratic Party, this information always results in shock, dismay and necessitates a change of underwear.

- A flotilla of icebergs, some as big as houses, were spotted south of New Zealand for the first time in living memory. One would expect witnesses to react with fear and trepidation at what is most likely signs of global warming but no. Tourists paid up to $330 dollars to fly over these icebergs to get a closer look. Scientific jury is still out on the origins of these ice houses but I can hazard a guess that it is not a very good sign to have colossal, building-sized pieces of Antarctic ice shelf float by your country's coastline.

- The say there's light at the end of the tunnel. In my view, it is most likely a single headlight freight train speeding towards you, so best turn around and run like hell in the opposite direction.

- With the US mid-term election hullabaloo, most used this electoral exercise as the gauge to judge America's future. Most failed to notice that Bush very conveniently signed into law a provision that revises the Insurrection Act. He did this same day when he signed the Military Commissions Act of 2006. The two laws are complimentary. One allows him the power to declare martial law at home and the other authorizes for torture and detention abroad. I think these laws are better indicators for America's future, don't you think? Time for supporters of the Democratic Party to change their underpants again.

- Al Jazeera English is the first 24 hour news channel headquartered in the Middle East. An antidote to BBC, CNN and Fox News, the launch of Al Jazeera must have really chapped the arse of the likes of Rupert Murdoch. But I am sure the Pentagon must be happy with its launch. They finally have more clearly identified Al Jazeera bureau targets to bomb the crap out of (and all accidentally, I might add).

- Nancy Pelosi is the first woman Speaker of the House-elect. Some say that is a good thing. But you should also be aware that Pelosi, although critical of Bush and is anti-Iraq war, completely snubbed the calls for Bush's impeachment after being appointed to the post. In addition, the lady in question is also a strong supporter of the Military Commissions Act and the staunchest supporter of AIPAC (the strongest Israeli-American Lobby in DC, which incidentally was recently busted on spying on the United States). According to Pelosi, "… the history of the (Palestinian and Israeli) conflict, is not over occupation, and never has been: it is over the fundamental right of Israel to exist." Perhaps, she needs to holiday a few days in Gaza and West Bank and find out from the Palestinians think about her views. So in conclusion, A woman becoming the first Speaker of the House – a very good thing. Nancy Pelosi being that woman – a very, very bad thing.

- Reminder to all the sheep: A retaliatory or random rocket attack by Hamas into Israel is a terrorist attack. A planned, deliberate bombing of innocent Palestinians (primarily women and children) by the IDF is either an accident or self-defense. Got that?! Don't ever qualify IDF as state terrorists. Thank you for listening.

- A couple decided to snuggle and kiss on a Southwest Airlines flight out of Los Angeles. This made the other passengers uncomfortable, and as a result the couple was arrested under the Patriotic Act and could now face up to twenty years in a federal prison. Makes you feel really confident flying within the US, doesn't it? By the way, I am not making this up, this story is absolutely true. I plan to make a film about this incident and call it "SNOGS ON A PLANE".

- A country (USA) possessing 10,000 nuclear, at 18 locations, in 12 states and 6 European countries, along with another country (Israel) with (undeclared) close to two hundred nuclear weapons feels threatened by a third country (Iran) which has no (declared or undeclared) nuclear weapons at all. I am the only one to see the absurdity of this situation?

- Now go watch celebrity Jeopardy with Donald Rumsfeld. This is another piece of the puzzle. My question is how the fudge do you lose 2.3 Trillion dollars and get away with it?

PROTEST AGAINST INTERNET CENSORSHIP

2006-11-04T22:02:00.000+04:00

HEADS UP PEOPLE!
All bloggers please support this campaign. Click on the image above to learn more.

Endorsed and supported by DONT BLOCK THE BLOG

---
I voted, did you?
UPDATE (RESULT OF THE CAMPAIGN FROM RSF)

8.11.2006

Reporters Without Borders / Internet Freedom desk

International

17,000 people vote against Internet enemies during 24-hour protest against online censorship

Internet users flocked to the Reporters Without Borders website to take part in a 24-hour protest against online censorship that has just ended, while symbolic demonstrations were held yesterday on the streets of Paris and New York. After receiving more than 100,000 visits in 24 hours, the protest webpage - http://www.rsf.org/24h - will remain open for a few more days so that Internet users can continue posting messages there.

"We wanted to demonstrate that bloggers and Internet users the world over feel concerned about the problem of online censorship," the press freedom organisation said. "The scale of the participation shows that people are not indifferent about the fate of Chinese, Egyptian or Cuban dissidents."

Reporters Without Borders added: "We have also once again seen that the way Yahoo! compromises its principles in China provokes a reaction of deeply-felt disapproval. It is high time this corporation took concrete steps to respect press freedom."

Massive online participation
- By 11 a.m. today, more than 17,000 people had voted on the Internet enemies map. Breakdown of the votes: Belarus (2,500), Burma (4,500), China (4,100), Cuba (1,000), Egypt (650), Iran (1,500), North Korea (200), Saudi Arabia (650), Syria (200), Tunisia (1300), Turkmenistan (250), Uzbekistan (150), Vietnam (250).
- 3,300 Internet users posted a message of support
- 340 messages audio messages were recorded online pour Jerry Yang, Yahoo!'s founder. These recordings will be handed in next week to Yahoo! France executives.
- 55 blogs were created on the Reporters Without Borders blog platform: www.rsfblog.org.

Reporters Without Borders urges Internet users to continue recording messages for Yahoo!'s founder on the http://www.rsf.org/24h webpage, which will remain open for a few more days. The most original messages will be posted prominently on our website.

Events on the streets of Paris and New York
- In New York, mobile billboards drove around the streets of the city displaying large posters of a map of the world highlighting the Internet black holes. "Ad bikes" also crisscrossed Manhattan and parked in various spots, including outside Yahoo!'s New York headquarters.

In Paris, Reporters Without Borders projected a gigantic world map of online censorship onto the city's monuments as night fell yesterday. The press and passers-by saw the map displayed on the facade of Saint-Lazare station, the Bastille Opera and the building that houses the French headquarters of Yahoo!. Reporters Without Borders activists requested a meeting with Yahoo! executives in order to hand in the audio messages that were recorded during the cyber-demo. A meeting has been set for next week.

FINAL WARNING

2006-10-25T22:57:00.000+04:00


Time to wake up people! "Oil, Smoke and Mirrors" is an independent 50 minute documentary on what is not being talked about...so please watch and spread the word.

LULLA-BYE TO FREE SPEECH

2006-10-17T02:31:00.000+04:00

Hush, little blogger, don't say a word,
It's best you become part of the mindless herd.
And if you feel the need for a political rant,
Mama's going to recommend you keep it scant.
And if you continue to question authority,
DHS will consider your unlawful captivity.
And if this warning won't keep you mum,
Government's going to classify you a terrorist scum.
And if you still think your speech is free,
Try selling 9-11 as a conspiracy.
Your NSA file will have an "enemy combatant" stamp,
And soon you'll be heading off to a detention camp.
So if you know what's good for you,
Keep your posts in check and your attitude too.
Now shut your mouth and watch Fox News,
Enjoy your IQ drop and let it be your muse.

ME, MYSELF AND I

2006-10-02T00:47:00.000+04:00

Me: So what's wrong with you now? You haven't posted anything for days.

Myself: I am lost in the fog of indifference and knee-deep in the swamp of apathy.

I: Liar! You're residing comfortably in the town of Procrastination-ville, in the State of utter laziness. It's time you returned back to Reality city and started posting your drivel. Your fans are waiting.

Myself: Hah! Both are on vacation, and won't be coming back anytime soon.

Me: But there's so much to write about. You realize that the Bush and company are in serious trouble because the Supreme Court ruled that the Geneva Convention applied to Al Qaeda and Taliban detainees.

Myself: Yes, but the Neocon minions passed this bill through the House faster than passing water in the Washing Closet, to cover Bush's ass so he cannot be prosecuted under the War Crimes Act. And soon this bill will be approved by Congress so there's no point in me ranting about it.

I: What a lame excuse, you daft git!

Me: Alright then, how about writing about the Torture Bill? That's chockfull of juicy tidbits.

I: Like what?

Myself: Well, I realize that there are several angles to confront that topic. First, this bill proposes to criminalize any challenge to its legality by the Supreme Court or any other court for that matter. In fact, the Attorney General Gonzales has already threatened some federal judges on the issue of torture by promising to have their testicles removed in case they grow balls.

Then, there's definition of torture that is so vague that it allows the current administration the authority to torture anyone (including children) by classifying them as 'Enemy Combatants', although mainstream media might have you think otherwise. And once they are classified as enemy combatants, they can of course then be thrown into a military prison without a right to a fair trial. How wonderfully freedom loving and democratic is that for the United States?

Me: So why aren't you ranting about that?

Myself: I thought I just did.

I: Oh, piss off! That wasn't a rant, that was more like a comatose diatribe without the requisite expletives.

Myself: Whatever!

Me: So what about writing about the 9-11 conspiracy theorists?

Myself: Well, Bush's National Strategy For Combating Terrorism classifies conspiracy theorists as 'terrorist recruiters', which naturally qualifies the conspiracy lot (also known as the 9-11 Truth movement) as enemy combatants and therefore are ripe for a good bit of torturing from the Bush Administration.

I: Is that why you are so chicken shit scared about writing about the conspiracy theories?

Myself: Did you even read my last post? … Plonker!

Me: Hey! How about commenting about Musharraf's new book? You know acting Head of State revealing state and personal secrets, that is so perfectly set-up for satire.

Myself: I know but that isn't really that surprising, is it? I mean, if you saw your popularity waning fast and a bleak future, and then someone offered you a million dollars to write a memoir and build yourself a future career on the lecture circuit, what would you do?

I: Sell yourself?

Me: I didn't say that! … for the record.

Myself: Actually, I am more interested in Colin Powell's new book in which he says Bush fired him after re-election. But then again, that isn't that surprising either because Colin is known to possess something between his ears, and I am not talking about his nose.

Me: So what about the writing about this guy being arrested on American Airlines flight for being a suspect bomber?

Myself: Yes, that was a right laugh, considering he was a famous, Jewish architect and was considered dangerous because of his possession of a tan! (I am not making this up). How ironic, that I predicted the same in one of my earlier posts.

Me: So are you planning to write anything for your blog?

Myself: I might if I can be financially motivated.

I: Well, here's a quarter, buy yourself a clue, you lazy twit!

NEIN ELEVEN

2006-09-08T21:12:00.001+04:00

I have conducted my own extensive investigation (a full 20 minutes worth) on the attacks on September 11th, 2001. With the aid of multiple browsers and a moderately fast DSL connection I was able to ascertain certain facts about that fateful day that I think need to be highlighted for the benefit of the general public. Please note that the points listed below are not 'conspiracy theories' as some may believe. These are actually 'contrived conjectures' which are definitely more credible than anything that has come out of the mouths of members of the Bush Administration.

- September the 11th, is also known as 'NEIN ELEVEN'. As you all know, 'Nein' is the German word for 'no', which serves as a constant reminder by the government that 'not eleven' but nineteen hijackers were involved in the attack, (even though there have been some reports claiming that 8 of the hijackers have been reported alive & well and living outside the US at the time of the attacks).

- September 11th, is also identified as '9-11', and 911 was coincidentally the most dialed number on that fateful morning (except that there should have been a direct contact number to call the intelligence agencies to wake them up. It was later discovered that there was such a number (1-800-NORAD-STAND-DOWN) but it was never issued to the public.

- 9-11 (9 minutes, 11 seconds) interestingly enough, was actually the time it took Bush to react to the initial news of the attack, after the secret service agent had whispered it in his ear. It was later discovered, that Bush misunderstood the agent's message and thought he heard "Sir, your fly is open", which obviously resulted in Bush not being able to stand up out of embarrassment.

- 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) also refers to the number of times Bush has read the book, 'The Pet Goat' since September the 11th, 2001. Laura admits that "he still doesn't get it".

- 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) is exactly the total number of conspiracy theories floating around on the internet regarding the events of September the 11th. Every single one of them is more credible, (even the one suggesting space monkeys from the planet Zog were responsible), than the official version of events promoted by the government, which by the way comes in print format with an opening disclaimer "Reader must not succumb to incredulity but willingly surrender all rational thought. Additionally, don't even think about asking the question 'Cui Bono' (and we are not talking about the leader singer of U2 here…)"

- 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) also happens to be the total number of (missing) WMDs found in Iraq.

- 9-11 (nine minutes past eleven) was the exact time when the mainstream media sold its soul to the devil. They completely and whole-heartedly gave up their rights to questioning authority and the official version, so they could also earn million dollar salaries like Christian Amanpour. Fox Network personnel agreed to do it for minimum wage.

- 9-11 (9.11 seconds) also happened to be the time it took for Tower 2 to collapse completely at nearly free fall speed…(actually, it was even faster but I am trying to make point here!)

- 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) is the average number of times the word "terrorism" is used in White House press conferences during the course of week.

- 9-11 (9.11 millimeter) is the exact distance between Condi's two lying front teeth.

- 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) is also the total number of omissions in the 9-11 Commission report (on last count…or so I've heard).

- And finally, there maybe 9-11 (nine hundred and eleven) reasons to re-open the investigation of 9-11, but you only really need one – the truth.

For those still in the mood to de-bunk 9-11 'conspiracy' theories, you've got your work cut out for you. De-bunk all of this!

PEACE, PROPAGANDA & THE PROMISED LAND

2006-09-04T23:59:00.000+04:00

Please take the time out to watch this video. It is essential that you do (if you haven't already).

This documentary is 3 years old, and what is happening in Gaza and Westbank now is far worse. While the world's attention (recently) has been focused on Israel's actions in Lebanon, the IDF have been busy attacking Gaza, destroying homes, murdering innocent civilians and arresting people.

The Israeli authorities have taken full advantage of the ignorance, apathy and indifference of the world to the plight of the Palestinians. This is apartheid and ethnic cleansing at its worst.

We become party to it if we remain ignorant, stay silent and dont make the effort of informing others to what is going on.
-------------------

Peace, Propaganda & the Promised Land provides a striking comparison of U.S. and international media coverage of the crisis in the Middle East, zeroing in on how structural distortions in U.S. coverage have reinforced false perceptions of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. This pivotal documentary exposes how the foreign policy interests of American political elites--oil, and a need to have a secure military base in the region, among others--work in combination with Israeli public relations strategies to exercise a powerful influence over how news from the region is reported.

Through the voices of scholars, media critics, peace activists, religious figures, and Middle East experts, Peace, Propaganda & the Promised Land carefully analyzes and explains how--through the use of language, framing and context--the Israeli occupation of the West Bank and Gaza remains hidden in the news media, and Israeli colonization of the occupied terrorities appears to be a defensive move rather than an offensive one. The documentary also explores the ways that U.S. journalists, for reasons ranging from intimidation to a lack of thorough investigation, have become complicit in carrying out Israel's PR campaign. At its core, the documentary raises questions about the ethics and role of journalism, and the relationship between media and politics.

Post 9/11 Blues (A must watch)

2006-09-01T17:42:00.000+04:00

Rizwan Ahmed (Riz MC)'s new video is definitely worth a watch. Good humour and it deserves recognition. All major tv and radio stations have so far refused to air his music. I'm doing my bit in spreading the word because the satire is totally my taste.
--
Watch the video and sing along to the words:

"Everybody do the post 9/11 dance

Look scared and shake ya ass while the bombs go blast

Everybody shake your post 9/11 thong

So the dossier was wrong Jack some oil drop a bomb

Sing a song sing a-long

Bush and Blair in a tree K-I-L-L-I-N-G

Shave your beard if you’re brown and you best salute the crown

Or they’ll do you like Brazillians and shoot your ass down"

for more info go to www.myspace.com/rizmc

TERROR TRAVEL

2006-08-29T11:30:00.000+04:00

On behalf of Captain Bigot and the rest of our ethnocentric crew, I would like to welcome you all on our transcontinental flight from New York to Los Angeles.

Our estimated flying time for this flight is six hours but it is more likely that it will take 48 hours or more to get to our scheduled destination. This is because the Air Martial and our fearful crew are most likely going to spot some 'suspicious' passengers exhibiting very 'suspect' behavior during the course of this flight which will automatically result in stop-overs in various yet to-be-identified locations to ensure the forceful and involuntary disembarkation of said 'suspicious' passengers. So we hope you will bear with us, and keep all future complaints to yourselves, or else you will be classified as a terror-suspect and get your ass kicked off the plane.

In keeping with latest travel security procedures issued by the FAA and the Department of Homeland Security, we would request all passengers to stay vigilant and alert of any strange behavior exhibited by any of your fellow passengers. As a guide the following list of oddities should be reported directly, by means of surreptitious wink, to a flight crew member:

-Passengers exchanging cell phones

-Passengers fiddling with their cell phones

-Passengers possessing cell phones

-Passengers talking too much

-Passengers talking too little

-Passengers appearing to be Arab-looking

-Passengers appearing to be Asian-looking

-Passengers possessing tanned or darker skin complexion

-Passengers wearing head gear

-Passengers not conversing in English

-Passengers sweating too much

-Passengers possessing beards

-Passenger stroking his beard

-Passenger twirling his moustache

-Passenger stroking someone else's beard

-Passenger twirling someone else's moustache

-Passengers frequenting the toilet

-Passengers pretending to be sleeping

-Passengers looking too happy

-Passengers looking too sad

-Passengers looking morose

-Passengers looking too calm

-Passengers staring out the windows

-Passengers eyeing other passengers or flight crew members

-Passengers praying

-Passengers reading

-Passengers staring into space

-Passengers traveling alone

-Passengers traveling with companions

-Basically, passengers possessing a pulse (or not)

Please also be informed that no beverages will be served on this flight, in case a passenger possess the knowledge to expertly mix drinks to create an extremely dangerous liquid explosive or to create a concoction that could result in uncontrollable flatulence which is equally dangerous.

As part of our additional safety measures, no plastic cutlery will be provided with your meal. In fact, no solid food will be served during flight, as the meal tray itself can be used as a weapon. As an alternate, feeding tubes will automatically drop from the overhead slot during meal times. The crew will assist you inserting into the correct orifice for your feeding pleasure.

Your in-flight entertainment includes, and are limited to, the Fox News Network's documentaries: The 9-11 Commission Report, Terror Is All Around Us, and Iran: The Biggest Nuclear Threat - Ever!

And finally, all Asian and Arab looking passengers are requested to keep their hands above their heads for the duration of the flight.

We thank you for choosing Harassment Airways as your preferred carrier and we hope you enjoy this flight.

POST TERROR PLOd CONFERENCE CALL

2006-08-12T15:46:00.000+04:00

Bush: Tony, that was awesome! You pulled a fast one there, but you did a great job. Great plot thwarting, I am pretty impressed!

Blair: Thank you, your Holiness. Coming from you, it means a lot! Had I been there in person, I would requested your permission to kiss you on your royal cheek.

Bush: Aw, shucks… Really?

Blair: Certainly Sir, I would have planted a big, wet one right on your pious arse.

Bush: You spoil me Tony.

Olmert: Tony, congratulations on the success on faltering the terrorist plot.

Blair: Cheers, Ehud. Couldn't have pulled it off without the help from your Mossad boys and the lads in the CIA. The whole thing was planned, sponsored, monitored and thwarted to perfection.

Bush: I am meaning to have my own here in the States.

Olmert: What?

Bush: A massive, texas-style thwarting of a major terrorist plot. Since Tony, has already used planes, I am thinking of using trains. And instead of liquid bombs, I am thinking of supplying my patsy group with garlic suppositories, and call it a chemical/biological attack. Thwarting such an attack will really drive up the Threat Level straight to RED.

Blair: Pure, utter genius, your lordship!

Olmert: Oh, man! I want to do that. My popularity is also taking a dive, with all the ass kicking Hezbollah is giving us.

Bush: No way, dude! You get your own terror threat thwarting ploy. It took me 8 months and 40 advisors to come up with this one. Plus E-hood, you gotta concentrate on targeting more civilians in Lebanon as you haven't got much time left because some sort of real cease fire will eventually be agreed upon.

Olmert: Later rather than sooner, of course.

Bush: We're doing our best.

Blair: So, when does the real one happen? You know the terrorist plot that we don't thwart.

Bush: SHHHH!!! What are you, an idiot? Dick told me not to discuss this over the phone – even on a secure line.

Blair: Sorry, your mightiness, I thought it was safe for this type of chinwag.

Olmert: Tony, don't worry you'll get the heads up before it happens. Mossad will keep you in the loop.

Bush: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most righteous of holy wars that the world has ever seen.

Blair: To destroy the Islamic fascists?

Bush: No, to covet more personal power to save our collective asses. Dick keeps telling me we are in serious trouble. He told me that people ain't buying our version of 9-11. I thought we sold it pretty good. But apparently, this shit about an independent investigation of 9-11 is about to spill over to the mainstream.

Blair: Same here in Britain.

Bush: So in order to secure our own backsides, we will be going after our biggest enemy; the people. Because gentlemen, truth is something we can all ill afford. Condi told me to say that! She uses that a lot in conversations in the White House.

Blair: So, we shall discuss this in our next private meeting?

Bush: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Blair: Alright, thank you Mr. President, and good night. See, you Ehud!

Olmert: Sieg Heil!

Bush: What?!

Olmert: Uh…I meant, good bye.

BREAKING MUSE!

2006-08-10T12:58:00.000+04:00

AIRCRAFT BOMB PLOT

LONDON - British authorities thwarted a terrorist plot to blow up several aircraft mid-flight between the United States and Britain using explosives smuggled in hand luggage, officials said Thursday.

Britain's Home Secretary John Reid said the alleged plot was "significant" and that terrorists aimed to "bring down a number of aircraft through mid-flight explosions, causing a considerable loss of life."

---
MI5 has raised Britain's threat level to critical and the Department of Homeland Security (USA) has also upgraded their threat assessment to the highest level. Following is the combined statement issued by MI5 and the DHS:

"BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THIS PLOT WAS INTENDED TO BE MASS MURDER AT UNIMAGINEABLE SCALE!

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THANK YOU."

---
Also, have a look at this!

BOYZ IN DA E-HOOD

2006-08-04T00:30:00.000+04:00

Ring ….Ring….Ring..

Ehud: Uh! ...who the f*ck!? Hello!?

Bush: Yo, E-hood!

Ehud: For shit sake George, it's f*cking 3 in the morning! What do you want now!?

Bush: I just wanted to know how many Hezbollites did you kill today? You've been conducting an awful lot of bombing there in Lebanon.

Ehud: Let me think. umm….on last count, according to IDF reports, I think that the figure is about 300.

Bush: I mean unofficially. How many did you really get? … for real.

Ehud: Haven't a clue, buddy. Probably none. I think we got most that have heard of Hezbollah. We just bomb indiscriminately in hopes we hit a few.

Bush: Ah! The same way we target Al Qaeda.

Ehud: Exactly. But who's checking anyway, we can claim as many as we want.

Bush: True. So how long do you think you will carry on with this attack?

Ehud: George, you've got to be kidding me! We effing planned this thing months back, with your participation and support, remember? You know the plan, right?!

Bush: Of course!... actually, what was it again?

Ehud: Oh, for your Christ's sake George, for the goddamn last time, we started up with Lebanon in order to go after Syria, so we can finally hit Iran. How many times must you be reminded of this?! Condi is planning to get this whole plan tattooed on your ass so you don't forget.

Bush: Yeah, but then I'll never be able to see it.

Ehud: So, how much shit are you getting at home for this?

Bush: Not much. Pretty much all the God-fearing, Christ-loving Americans support me on this. Just a few Satan lovers are complaining.

Ehud: I know what you mean. We have a few complainers here as well. Unfortunately, my own daughter turned out to be one of them.

Bush: My daughters are too obsessed with partying to even notice. Thank you Jesus for the Paris Hilton syndrome.

Ehud: So the press pretty much bought everything we are selling.

Bush: Yeah, poor bastards. Muahaha.

Ehud: Well, the IDF is forming the "Red Line" along both sides of the Litani River, east to west. We'll grab 2, 3, or even more miles wide zone for the international force to be deployed later.

Bush: Yeah, but not for too long dude, we'll need it later for the attack on Syria and then Iran. I propose we might as well get the International Force to build a runway there for our purposes.

Ehud: Good, great, wonderful idea! Did you think that one up yourself? Why don't you speak to Kofi about that first thing in the morning.

Bush: Sure. I'd be happy to bring this up….

Ehud: I was being sarcastic George!

Bush: Oh?!

Ehud: I think, now that we've finally started what we've been planning and dreaming about all this time, we might as well go for it. I mean go all out and not stop.

Bush: I know what you mean. This thing is perfect! Nobody is paying that much attention to the mess we created in Iraq. I mean, we're seriously getting our asses kicked because we really have no control.

Ehud: This thing is perfect for me because the whole world is watching and bitching about Lebanon, while we destroy Gaza quietly in bits and pieces.

Bush: Genius! By the way, any news of the Israeli soldiers?

Ehud: Which Israeli soldiers?

Bush: The ones that were abducted by Hezbollites.

Ehud: Oh, yeah! …forget about them totally. Yeah, no news…but then again, we aren't really looking for them, are we? We're too busy bombing the crap out of Lebanon. Muahahaha. They were just the trigger we used to start it all. Even the idiot press have stopped asking about them.

Bush: Hey, haven't you got the photos of the three Israeli soldiers on your desk?

Ehud: Sure do, for PR purposes of course. So what photos do you have on your desk?

Bush: I have the pictures of the missing WMDs we were supposed to find in Iraq.

TOGETHER FOR LEBANON

2006-08-02T13:07:00.000+04:00

[click to view larger version]

Please donate and/or help spread the word..

O-BITCH-UARY

2006-07-23T22:54:00.000+04:00

Collective Conscience, 82, of block one of World Avenue, died Sunday, July 23, 2006.

Mr. Conscience was a retired secretary for the Peoples Inc. He was the head of the Moral Society of Human Beings and the founding member of the Ethical Committee of the Global Race. Mr. Conscience's tragic death occurred during a bombing raid by state terrorists. His wife Deeds and brother Actions also fell victim to the attack.

Mr. Conscience is survived by his daughter Silence and son Apathy.

A memorial service will be held on Monday, July 24^th, 2006 at the Olive Ream Cemetery.

The family requests that memorials may be made in the comments section.

Mass burial will be held at 10:30 am or whenever a bulldozer is available to dig a big enough grave.

May the Collective Conscience rest in pieces, and those responsible burn in hell!

Thanks to Shaheen Malik for this link.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

2006-07-14T15:34:00.000+04:00

Category: Croackpot cooking

Yield: Endless servings of bulls**t

Ingredients:

4 lbs Palestinian Oppression
2 lbs Palestinian Apartheid and inhumane conditions
2 table spoons(ts) of Hamas extremists (including the
original Mossad funded type)
3 oz Hezbollah retaliation
1 large clove of Media Bias towards Israel
2 large ts of stinging IDF attacks
10 kilos pre-planned Israeli Air assault
5 cups of globalist agenda
1 Large packet of Apathy and Indifference


Method:

Pour the 5 cups of globalist agenda in to a large pot.
Add Palestinian oppression, apartheid and inhumane
conditions and bring to boil. Stir in Mossad funded
Hamas extremism, if regular Hamas extremism does not
achieve desired results. Increase heat and add the
two tea spoons of IDF attacks. Let it simmer 5 minutes.
Now, add half a clove of Media Bias until it all starts
to smell bad.

Stir the pot and slowly add the Hezbollah retaliation. Now
add the disproportionate amount of pre-planned Israeli Air
assault. Add the other half clove of media bias until
the stench becomes unbearable. Increase heat and let the
whole situation cook into an all-out, incontrollable war.
Disregard the resulting human death toll of innocent
civilians (Palestinians and Israelis), put them in
a separate bowl and ignore.

Finally spoon out the contents into a large porcelain
serving dish and sprinkle heavily with finally chopped
Apathy and Indifference. Add Total Ignorance to taste.

Serves millions

Ensure that all leftovers are sealed in a air-tight bag
and placed in the freezer until needed for future attacks
on Syria and Iran and served either as cold 'self defense'
or spicy (hellish) 'war on terror'.

MMMMM……enjoy!

--
Note: For those watching CNN and BBC, please make it a point
check this out as well. [Warning: Graphic/Disturbing images]

HEADLINES

2006-07-07T22:42:00.000+04:00

-Al Qaeda runs out of video and audio tapes – DHS left clueless to Bin Laden's next move

-New Metal detectors to be installed in all Kindergarten schools – Eye scan also mandatory for all new students

-Brits propose Blair vacation in Baghdad - outside the green zone

-Bush follows Blair to Baghdad, detailed vacation itinerary available on White House web site

-North Korea launches 745^th missile test. US says no military intervention necessary

-Iran talks about its own missile test. US says pre-emptive strike on Iran by tomorrow

-Al Qaeda stop using the internet – FBI says "no fair!"

-Tragic! Britney Spears herself (accidentally) – celebrations held at The Olive Ream

-Nokia Launches new mobile phone 2880 Retro – first cell phone that is just a phone and does not include an MP3 player, a voice recorder, a camera, games and a Cuisinart.

-Hamas official sneezes – Israeli tanks move into southern Gaza

-John Bolton chokes on own mustache while trying to kiss himself

-Rumsfeld visits VA hospital in full security – still gets beaten up by in-patient veterans

-Dick Cheney accidentally shoots a bird while hunting for lawyers

-US military personnel arrest 47^th number 2 guy in Al Qaeda

-Department of Homeland Security change Threat Level to 'High' – based on DHS Secretary's gut feeling

-Allen Dershowitz claims there are no Israeli lobbys influencing the US foreign policy – also claims sky is red

-Fox News officially syndicated by the Comedy Central Network. – declared as funniest show on the network

-Florida hit by 30^th Category 5 hurricane of the season – Bush say's "what global warming?"

-US Poll: 37% students cannot identify US on a map. 63% cannot identify a map

-Bush requested by students to sketch the image of his brain – draws a blank

STAR-SCRAMBLED BUMMER

2006-07-02T11:50:00.000+04:00

O say, can you see, 19 terrorist's take flight,
What so proudly we hail'd as the Al Qaeda's evil scheming.
With a broad beard and beady eyes, he laid claim to this perilous fight,
O'er CNN we watch'd, the attack on W.T.C.
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that we attacked

Iraq

instead.
O say, does it matter that there were no WMDs?
O'er the land of large oil reserves and the home of new strategic military bases.

On other shore dimly seen thro' our satellite surveillance cameras,
Where the foe's naughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which we see, o'er the border, in Iran,
An 'allegedly' suspect nuclear program it half conceals, half discloses.
Now it catches the gleam of the Neoconic dream,
To pre-emptively attack in full glory, another sovereign nation in full stream
'Tis the star-scrambled bummer: O, another faux war
O'er the another land of large oil reserves and the home of strategic military advantage for Israel's sake.

And here is that band who so vauntingly swore
To create the havoc of war and in the battle's confusion,
remove citizens' rights and corrode the constitution.

Iraqi blood has wash'd out their foul footsteps' pollution (or so they think).
No refuge could save the citizen slave
From the terror of (another) faux impending attack or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-scrambled bummer in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the indifferent and the home of the unlawfully detained.

O thus be it never when free-men shall stand
Between their home and the war's desolation;
Blest with Globalism, may the corporate-sponsored land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made this a complete fascist nation
Then conquer we must, no matter how clearly unjust,
And this be our motto: “In avarice we trust!”
And the star-scrambled bummer in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the controlled and the home of the scared!

Inspired by

CHOICES

2006-06-28T16:42:00.000+04:00

In 1948, an estimated 700,000 Palestinian men, women and children had a choice of either being expelled from their home or being killed. The Israeli government chooses not to allow these refugees or their descendents to return home.

Out of 9,599 Palestinians who chose to be involuntarily imprisoned by Israel, 342 happened to be juvenile.

125 Palestinian students chose to be killed by the Israeli forces on the way to school.

There have been at least 65 UN resolutions against Israel thus far. The US has chosen to veto nearly all of them.

Palestinians chose to have 4,170 of their homes demolished by Israeli forces since the launch of the Al-aqsa intifada in September, 2000.

Rachie Corrie chose to be bulldozed to death by an Israeli soldier, while she was attempting to stop the demolition of a Palestinian home.

Israel chose to build 60+ new (Jewish-only) settlements on confiscated Palestinian land between the period of March, 2001 and July, 2003.

Out of the 30,122 Palestinians injured by IDF attacks, 2500+ chose to be permanently disabled.

In 2004, the three major US networks chose to demonstrate their fairness and accuracy in reporting Israeli and Palestinian deaths (in the Evening News):

ABC: Israeli deaths = 157%, Palestinian deaths = 39%
CBS: Isreali deaths = 105%, Palestinian deaths = 28%
NBC: Israelid deaths = 154%, Palestinian deaths = 35%

The Associated Press chose to erase the video of the Israeli soldier shooting a Palestinian boy.

Tom Hurndall chose to get shot in the back of his head by an Israeli IDF sniper, while he was trying to protect Palestinian children from Israeli gunfire.

Israel chose to build its so called 'Security Fence' (Apartheid Wall) to confiscate 55% of the West Bank for Israel.

IDF soldiers choose to target practice by shooting Palestinian children in the eye. So far they have managed to successfully target 159 Palestinian kids.

The nation that constantly reminds us of the horrific crimes committed by the Nazis, has a government and a military that continues to commit the same type of crimes. The irony is so thick you can cut it with a meat cleaver.

I choose not to continue writing this post any further because I am too bloody pissed off and emotional to carry on.

If you wish to comment on this post, it is your choice.

This is the Source to validate the facts mentioned above.

SUPER BUSH

2006-06-24T09:56:00.000+04:00

Super Bush is a non-fictional superhero, in the Neocomic Universe, created by the members of the PNAC, he has become the world's most infamous, enduring yet comical superheroes.

Rather unlike Phoenix rising from the ashes, Super Bush emerged more like a putrid stench emerging from the sewers of New York after the September 11^th attack on the World Trade Center. Although believed to be originally from another planet, it was later discovered that Super Bush actually makes his home on ranch in Texas. Despite this fact, most people still believe he is from another planet, as he seems completely out of touch with reality.

The origin of his super powers, reside with his handlers in all the prominent government departments including the Congress. From warrant-less wiretaps, collecting telephone records, holding alleged terror suspects without legal protection, and tracking millions of financial records of Americans, Super Bush's powers seem to be growing by leaps and bounds every single day.

Super Bush uses all these powers to protect Americans from the dreaded evil-doers…or so we are told. The ubiquitous arch-enemy of Super Bush, is the evil organization: Al Qaeda Corp, headed by the wicked Lex Ossama Bin Luthor. Although Lex Ossama is rarely seen in public or ever caught by Super Bush, he manages to release audio or video tapes at regular intervals to scare the pants of the general public, and cause leakage in Super Bush's wonder pants with excitement, as Super Bush is able to grab even more powers to control the American populace as a result.

Super Bush's most annoying and fiercest opponents are the civil liberties organizations. They seem to think that he is the biggest eradicator of human rights, since the Mighty Hitler of Deutschland with his silly little mustache. Human Rights group wonder if Super Bush's end will be similar to that of Herr Adolf, the bastard.

Super Bush's greatest ally in his fight against humanity is the mainstream media collectively known as the Daily Plankton. They are responsible for shoveling the super sh*t that spews from the mouth of Super Bush and bringing it directly to the homes of the general public.

As of now, there seems to be no end to the growing powers of Super Bush. With each terror threat (real or imagined) his powers grow ten fold. Majority of the public seems to be fine with it. "Oh, help yourself, have some more of our rights, we don't need 'em!" they seem to say. What they fail to realize is that the Super Bush's biggest enemy is not Lex Ossama but the people themselves.

"What is that? ... Is it a bird?... Is it a plane?" No! it is another one of your rights being swallowed and pissed down the toilet by Super Bush, so wake the F**k up!!

REBLOGGING HELL

2006-06-20T19:43:00.000+04:00

I am not very keen about posting my personal rants about non-political issues on this site, but I am breaking the rule with this post because I am holding a gun to my head in order to ensure that this issue is addressed (that is how strongly I feel about it).

Re-blogging which I define as the copying and pasting of other peoples, opinions, news, stories, images, laundry list, etc. on one's own blog as a new post. This dreadful habit started out as a slight sniffle on a few blogs, turned very quickly into an influenza attack, and is now spreading through the blogosphere like an unstoppable pandemic. I am sure most of you must have noticed. Then why didn't you say anything?

This appalling blogger malady is an addiction. Some of the bloggers are weak enough that if they re-blog once, they continue (at an unhealthy frequency) to repeat this idiotic mistake again and again because they think that highlighting someone else's minutia is likely to entertain their own blog audience. Here's a clue: IT DOESN'T! (…majority of the time).

There's nothing wrong with occasional re-blog posts that highlight matters of interest (from the internet) that can be considered important, entertaining or even personal. But re-blogging trivial tripe 3 to 4 times a day on your blog is absolute madness. It only exhibits that you are severely lacking in original thought and that your last remaining brain cells are servicing the right click COPY and PASTE option of your mouse.

This re-blog annoyance would not matter if the original content (from another site) was accompanied with a personal opinion on the subject. That very rarely happens. What is rampant is either a full plagiaristic rip off without a single comment or link to the source, or the pasted content is accompanied by a genius analytical commentary such as "Here, look at this!"

Just to clarify my point, re-blogging is NOT syndicated content on a blog or a news site that highlights commentary on global, political or personal issues worthy of interest. Re-blogging is the bastard child of laziness and unoriginality on the internet today. Unless we start commenting and criticizing it more prominently, the future of blogging will comprise majority posts like this:

January 3^rd, 2008

Here, look at this!

----

January 3^rd, 2008

"Grass". As posted by another blogger.

----

January 3^rd, 2008

I posted this a few minutes ago.

----

Comment: From Mr. Original:

Hey, great post! I think I'll reblog it.

----

I think I'll put the gun down until then.

SMITE THE ANTI-SEMITES

2006-06-16T22:24:00.000+04:00

Me: Hey, I have an idea for an article. Why don't I comment about the new head Office of Global Anti-Semitism?

Me2: Are you nuts?! Not with your kind of sarcastic drivel!

Me: But why?! I really want to!

Me2: No way, think of another topic to write about.

Me: Alright then, how about Ernst Zundel?

Me2: What are you an idiot? Zundel's a holocaust revisionist!

Me: I know, and apparently he admired Hitler as well, but I am just curious to research and write about why he says what he says.

Me2: You're dying for an ass kicking aren't you? Choose another topic!

Me: David Irving?

Me2: He is a holocaust denier! Don't you dare!

Me: Alright then, how about I write about the Israeli government's recent move regarding…

Me2: Stop right there! Just be aware that any strong criticism against Israeli leaders is considered Anti-Semitic by the Office of Global Anti-Semitism.

Me: Well, that's not fair, is it? Alright, how about the undeniable Jewish influence on the mainstream media in the US and Europe?

Me2: That claim is categorized as Anti-Semitism of the highest order.

Me: Bugger! What about the Jewish slant of Hollywood?

Me2: Sorry, that is considered Anti-Semitism as well.

Me: Jewish lobbies controlling the Congress and Whitehouse?

Me2: Now, you are just trying to piss me off! You know the answer: Anti-Semitism.

Me: So basically, I can't talk about Israel, Israeli nationals, Israeli government, Israeli foreign policy, Israeli threat?

Me2: Of course you can! You can't just say anything negative because then it could be classified as Anti-Semitism.

Me: Surely, I can write about the IDF and Mossad?

Me2: Not with your opinions you cannot!...you'll land yourself in a whole heap of trouble.

Me: How about Jewish people, Jewish culture, Jewish religion?

Me2: Has to be all positive or else it could be considered as you-know-what.

Me: So what the heck should I write about that would be considered PRO-SEMITE and won't piss off the office of Global Anti-Semitism.

Me2: How about something inane?...like the recent DVD you saw.

Me: Passion of the Christ.

Me2: No way! Write about music.

Me: Madonna?

Me2: Careful! She is devout follower of some of the teachings of the Kabbalah, so better not discuss her.

Me: I thought she was Catholic?

Me2: It doesn't matter you idiot! She is rich enough to follow any religion she pleases.

Me: I know I'll write about the movie E.T. and …

Me2: Brilliant!

Me:…how much I hated it.

Me2: Hang on, no! That is dangerous territory.

Me: Oh, come on! Criticizing the film ET or Steven Spielberg's direction of it, is not Anti-Semitism!

Me2: Well it is bound to become eventually, so best avoid it.

Me: Well then, I have no other topic left other than to write about definition of Semite, which includes people of Near East and Northern Africa, including Arabs and..

Me2: Don't even go there!

BLOGGERS DOUBT

2006-06-12T07:32:00.000+04:00

I was asked by the Opinions Editor of Gulf News, to provide a brief comment on what Bloggers have to say regarding the death of Abu Musab Al-zarqawi. Below is my reply, which incidently made the front page of today's Gulf News accompanying a breaking story questioning the circumstances of Al-zarqawi's death. Unfortunately, there's no online link to my comments on the Gulf News site, so you will have just have to take my word for it that it appeared on the front page OR buy yourself a copy of today's Gulf News. Following is my opinion piece in full, which was further edited due to space constraints (or so I assume) on the front page of GN.

Bloggers Doubt Veracity of official Version

The Blogging world is a buzz again with the recent news of the death of Abu Mussab Al-zarqawi. As is the norm in the blogging community, the official version of any prominent event has to be scrutinized for validity and truth. As a result, a lot of questions have cropped regarding the official version of Al-zarqawi's demise.

According to CNN website, “Al-Zarqawi was alive when US troops reached the mortally wounded terrorist leader after a US bombing raid”. Now, although none of the bloggers are mourning the death of Al Zarqawi (at least none of the sane ones), some have highlighted interesting questions regarding the official story of the bombing raid. Two, 500-pound bombs were dropped on a concrete hideout which as a result was blown to smithereens, and all that was left in the end was brick rubble, yet Al Zarqawi, who was mortally wounded, remained in a single piece and got carried away on a stretcher before he died. How did he manage that? Could it be for the possibility of a morbid PR press photo of his dead face and celebration of a US precision bombing campaign? Logically, shouldn’t his body have been in pieces after that kind of bombing, and his skin burnt off? Could it be that Al-Zarqawi was killed elsewhere and then claimed as dead due to this bombing raid? The official version of the death of one child (in this incident) has now been revised to include three other women. Now, a new element of the story unfolds that says that women's (sexy) lingerie was also discovered in the rubble. Is this being done to embarrass the Muslims or just big-up the playboy image of Al-zarkawi?

Other bloggers have pointed out to older news reports that claimed Al-zarkawi died in 2003. There is also the question as to why this attack on Al-zarkawi hideout happened now, is it because President Bush's approval rating rests at an all time low (near his IQ level)?

Are we being conditioned to accept the official version for a future terrorist attack on American soil? God forbid something like that does happen, the first reactions will probably be, "You see, Al Qaeda took revenge for killing Al-zarkawi!" Some bloggers are forced to be this cynical because of their experience of 9-11, where they discovered more holes in the official Whitehouse version of that event than a slice of Swiss cheese.

The point is, bloggers ask questions that may be conspiratorial, overtly obvious, logical, intelligent or even downright stupid. They do this because others are not willing to.

By The Olive Ream (a blogger)

THIS STINGS!

2006-06-08T14:29:00.000+04:00

X: Psst! Did you see this story in the newspaper?

Y: Yes, I did. Another 'alleged' terrorist arrested attempting to blow-up a building.

X: Say, are you a Pakinisian?

Y: No I am not a Pakistani, but I am of Arab origin, if that's what you meant.

X: Don't it bother you that so many Moslems are dying in Iraq?

Y: Yes it does but it isn't just Iraq.

X: You must do something about it.

Y: Like what?

X: Take some action, buddy!

Y: I do protest by writing my opinions on a few websites and…

X: Nobody reads that! You must take action. You must retaliate against what is happening to you Moslems.

Y: Retaliate? You mean protest on the streets against the government?!

X: No, no! What good would that do? Plus, you could get arrested for doing that these days.

Y: So what are you suggesting?

X: You know, blow some stuff up…it'll get you the attention.

Y: Ah! I see, well…let me just say that you might have mistaken me for an escapee from the mental asylum but I assure you I am not. In fact, I will go further to suggest that you commit yourself in an institution.

X: Oh, c'mon! Do it! Do it for your Moslem brothers and sisters. Here, I've got details instructions on the 'How To' in these notes, in Arabic. I'll just stuff this in your bagpack.

Y: Piss off! … and stop sniffing diesel oil, it's killing your brain cells.

X: I've got these blue-prints for various prominent locations and I…

Y: Go sell crazy to someone else. In fact, let me direct you to the Department of Homeland Security. They desperately need loons like you to parade on television.

X: Well, how about some bags of fertilizer I have stored in my warehouse. I can give those to you and other household items to build your self some dangerous explosive and then you..

Y: I don’t need bags of fertilizer from you!! There's enough bullshit coming out of your mouth to fertilize most of Wyoming. Now, leave!

X: Listen brother. I've already have you assigned as a leader to our yet undisclosed organization. I've been following you for months, and by the way, the instructions, blue prints, 80 bags of fertilizer and 8 large thin crust pizzas are being delivered to your home as we speak.

Y: Who the hell are you?!

X: I am undercover officer of the Anti-Terror squad, and you my friend, are under arrest!

Y: WTF?! What for?!

X: For being the leader of an evil terror organization that was planning to attack prominent landmarks and we have the evidence to prove it, as it has just been delivered to your home.

Y: This is a bloody set-up!! I want to call my lawyer..

X: You don’t get a lawyer, remember? You are classified as 'enemy combatant'. Now do me a favor, just keep your mouth shut and don’t shave for the next few days because we've got the PR press photos planned for this bust for Tuesday and we need you looking evil and beardy.

Y: Sigh.

X: Don’t sulk. You'll be famous. You might even be qualified as so dangerous that DHS will shift the threat level up one category and that is something you can be really proud of.

Inspired by this

BUSH REPLIES...

2006-06-04T21:21:00.000+04:00

Dear ~~Amhadina~~, ~~Ahamdinaj~~, ~~Admaniha~~, President of Iran,

Thank you for your letter. Sorry about replying so late but I've been really busy with Rumey, Condi and Cheney planning an attack on your country.

I was advised by Condi not to reply to your letter but I thought otherwise as it would be the polite thing to do, plus I had some free time before Oprah comes on.

According to the brief I received regarding your letter (I did not read your actual letter – way too long!), you never mentioned that you'd give up your nuclear program. Did you forget to mention that?

See it is fairly simple, we (as in the US) are the super-power and you are a muslim country with a lot of oil and in very close ~~prixomity~~, ~~prexamity~~, ~~promixity~~, nearness to the mother of all our allies, Israel. That pretty much qualifies you for a US attack already. But now that you are planning to continue with your nuclear program, you pretty much guaranteed an ass-kicking for yourself (know what I mean?). You say your nuclear program is mainly to provide a source of alternate energy but I know you are lying because Rumey told me so. We (as in the US and Israel) cannot allow you to ~~aquire~~, ~~equire~~, ~~akuire~~, get nuclear weapons capability because Israel is the only country in the Middle East that should have nuclear weapons. Why?... I hear you ask. Well, that is what Jesus intended for the world. He said and I quote from the Bible (the new revised version provided to me by Cheney), "Thou must always follow the covenant brought forth by Moses as the 11^th commandment – attack any country that threatens the people of Israel and ye shall be rewarded with large amounts of oil reserves as a bonus."

Now the five permanent members of the UN Security Council have offered you a lot of incentives to give up your nuclear program but you rejected them all, why? I mean I personally offered incentives on behalf of the US; free bikinis, beard trimmers, discount vouchers for all Block Busters video outlets, and one year free subscription to Playboy magazine but you accepted nothing! That's a damn shame, Ahmi.

As a result, you (as in your country) will now have to face ~~consiquincess~~, ~~quonsquensis~~, ~~quincicuonces~~, penalties for your negative behavior. After Condi's done with her diplomatic song and dance for the world, we have some nice, new mini nukes to test out on your country. Mossad has been has been kind enough to provide a list of places for us to target. So best be prepared. I suggest hiding in one of your nuclear facilities. HAHA! just kidding…

Take care of yourself and hope to grill you soon.

Love and kisses,

George

TORTURE IS...

2006-06-01T15:40:00.000+04:00

This year a coalition of human rights, civil liberties and faith organizations have declared June “Torture Awareness Month” and in support of the same (and as part of Bloggers Against Torture), I present:

TORTURE IS.....

-listening to Britney Spears

-watching Fox News

-being stuck between two fat blokes in economy seating on long distance flight

-being lectured on how to be a 'good Muslim' by certain individuals who are desperately seeking attention and in need of good (beard) grooming tips

-reality television

-listening to incessant lies by the Bush Administration about no credible proof of global warming or climate change when the frequency and scale of increasing global natural disasters are evidently clear

-listening to people define what is 'hip' and 'cool' in their opinion

-watching multi-millionaire celebrities inciting your sympathy for the impoverished in third world countries

-defining PNAC as a think tank. (It is just a tank).

-being stuck in traffic when you desperately need to get to a restroom because you have just gulped down 3 cans of coke while driving.

-watching people commit murder in the name of religion

-classifying Palestinian suicide bombers as terrorists while IDF soldiers shoot innocent Palestinian children in the head for nothing other than their sadistic pleasure

-trying to convince the general public that the War On Terror is legitimate

-watching majority of the mainstream media sell out to the Globalist agenda

-watching the murder of hundreds of thousands of innocent people in the name of Democracy and Freedom

-being force fed on the official version of 9-11

-experiencing the loss of your civil rights and freedoms in the name of your own protection and safety

-watching the funding and nurturing of 'freedom fighters' for a specific strategic aim, who are then later classified as 'terrorists' to serve another globalist aim.

-watching the majority exhibit apathy or remain silent on global events

-watching junior soldiers get prosecuted for beating, humiliating and murdering persons in detention while senior officers/generals and politicians who are actually responsible get away scot-free

-something you are responsible for even if you do it through proxy forces

-torture no matter what you call it, be it 'rendition' or any other bulls**t title

-unwarranted, inhuman, unjustified and UNACCEPTABLE under any condition

-something we should all speak out against

-reading this article (for some) but I couldn't be buggered.

A SHRINK IN NEED OF A SHRINK

2006-05-29T16:05:00.000+04:00

I have recently been forwarded an email by a family member containing the following LINK. The link is to an article from New York Times titled, "A voice against Muslim 'hostages' to terror". The article is about Dr. Wafa Sultan, a Syrian-American psychiatrist who apparently is being depicted (in this article) as a heroic and 'fresh' voice of reason on a crusade to reform Islam.

Rather than pontificate my views about Islam, I choose to reply by quoting directly from the article, with my responses highlighted in red. I choose to do this because like Dr. Wafa, I also claim to be a fresh voice of reason who couldn't be bothered writing the full article by himself. So, here we go….

"Three weeks ago, Dr. Wafa Sultan was a largely unknown Syrian-American psychiatrist living outside Los Angeles, nursing a deep anger and despair about Muslims." [And three weeks later, some largely unknown Muslims were nursing a deep anger and despair about her.]

"Today, thanks to a blunt and provocative interview on Al Jazeera satellite television on Feb. 21, she is an international sensation, hailed as a fresh voice of reason by some, and by others as a heretic and infidel who deserves to die." [And still another group (which includes me) who just considers her a self-righteous, hypocritical and dangerous loon who desperately needs therapy.]

"..Sultan bitterly criticized the Muslim clerics, holy warriors and political leaders whom she believes have distorted the teachings of Muhammad and the Koran for 14 centuries. She said the world's Muslims, whom she compares unfavorably to the Jews, have descended into a vortex of self-pity and violence." [I have also bitterly criticized some Muslim clerics, holy warriors and political leaders but I don't generalize and equate all Muslims as extremists because of few with radical views. I think Dr. Wafa has descended into a vortex of self-importance and pretentiousness.]

"Sultan said the world was not witnessing a clash of religions or cultures, but a battle between modernity and barbarism, a battle that the forces of violent, reactionary Islam are destined to lose." [I think she first needs to stop generalizing and understand the reason for the growth of such violent and reactionary Minority Factions of misinterpreters and extremist followers of Islam. Perhaps it might also have to do with the Neoconic, Globalist individuals who currently control the Government of the country she is currently a citizen of and who have nurtured and funded such extremists for their own benefit as and when needed.]

"In response, clerics throughout the Muslim world have condemned her, and her telephone answering machine has filled with dark threats." [Notice how the genius author of this propagandist article once again generalizes all clerics and relates them to 'dark threats' left on her answering machine, by mentioning them in the same sentence.]

"But Islamic reformers have praised her for saying out loud, in Arabic and on the most widely seen television network in the Arab world, what few Muslims dare to say even in private." [How many Muslim homes has the author been to, in order to make such a claim? And it is not Islam that needs reforming it is the people who misinterpret Islam.]

"I believe our people are hostages to our own beliefs and teachings," …."Knowledge has released me from this backward thinking. Somebody has to help free the Muslim people from these wrong beliefs." [Apparently, she is the only Muslim ever to gain knowledge. Somebody has to free her from her miserably skewed view of reality.]

"The Jews have come from the tragedy and forced the world to respect them, with their knowledge, not with their terror; with their work, not with their crying and yelling." [Yes, apparently no Zionist forces exists, no Jewish lobbies exist and most of all no European laws exist to jail any and every Holocaust revisionist who tends to question the official version of the holocaust even the slightest bit. Additionally, the Palestinians have also apparently learnt to respect Jews because of the knowledge and work of the IDF.]

"We have not seen a single Jew blow himself up in a German restaurant. We have not seen a single Jew destroy a church. We have not seen a single Jew protest by killing people." [Yet we have seen a lot of single Jews shoot Palestinian children in the head, destroy homes, bomb houses, torture prisoners and also commit terrorist attacks around the world.]

"Only the Muslims defend their beliefs by burning down churches, killing people and destroying embassies. This path will not yield any results. The Muslims must ask themselves what they can do for humankind, before they demand that humankind respect them." [If she actually believes that Muslims have monopoly over extremism and riotous and distructive acts, she needs to visit the Planet Earth for holiday excursion at the least to get in touch with reality.]

"Sultan is working on a book that - if it is published - it's going to turn the Islamic world upside down." [or so she claims and also make her rich and famous to boot and likely to get her an appearance on Oprah.]

"I have reached the point that doesn't allow any U-turn. I have no choice. I am questioning every single teaching of our holy book." [And as she is such a profound intellectual with such an amazing grasp of reality, it is unlikely that she will see a flaw in anything she says or does.]

"The working title is, "The Escaped Prisoner: When God is a Monster." [I've got a better one; 'An Escaped Loon: When A Psychiatrist is a Mental Asylum Candidate]

"Gunmen of the Muslim Brotherhood burst into a classroom at the university and killed her professor as she watched, she said. They shot hundreds of bullets into him shouting, 'God is Great!' she said. At that point, I lost my trust in their god and began to question all our teachings. It was the turning point of my life, and it has led me to this present point. I had to leave. I had to look for another god." [So due to the actions of certain extremists she started questioning her own religion and searching for another god rather than address the misinterpretation of Islam by the Muslim brotherhood. Smart move, although she cannot opt for any other major religion for the same reason, because they have their own collection of extremists who have committed heinous acts, be it Christianity, Judiasm or Hinduism. Maybe Church of Scientology would be her best option, as L. Ron Hubbard makes for a interesting supreme being and he is a science fiction writer to boot!]

"The clash we are witnessing around the world is not a clash of religions or a clash of civilizations," Sultan said. "It is a clash between two opposites, between two eras. It is a clash between a mentality that belongs to the Middle Ages and another mentality that belongs to the 21st century. It is a clash between civilization and backwardness, between the civilized and the primitive, between barbarity and rationality." [So it is not about the haves and the have-nots, about the globalists against third world countries and oil-producing nations, about the military industrial complex making a fortune on wars, or about selling fear and the War on Terror to advance a ridiculous 'New World Order'.]

"I have no fear," she said. "I believe in my message. It is like a million-mile journey, and I believe I have walked the first and hardest 10 miles." [Wait till her Limo arrives after her book is published, then she will not have to walk at all..and will be chauffeured all the way to her book signing in DC and Tel Aviv.]

-----

I am not one to usually respond in an overtly emotional manner in my posts but I broke this rule for the above post. In hindsight, I should have not have addressed my response in this manner. I realized this in my discussions with a friend (Fountainhead) and I thank him for bringing this to my attention. I do not think I succeeded in making my point clear with what I consider wrong (and extremely dangerous) about Dr. Wafa's opinions.

It is like being caught in between bookends of two extremes. On one side are those extremist individuals who insist that the world respect and follow their (skewed) interpretation of Islam and on the other or those 'reformists' (like Dr. Wafa) who categorize all muslims as the followers of a religion that is extremist in nature. Stuck in the middle of these two are majority Muslims who follow Islam by understanding and interpreting the Quran for themselves (as it should be). I completely disagree with the extremist view of Islam because they are so off the mark that it is not even funny. Islam is a religion of tolerance, acceptance and love - Period! No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I whole-heartedly disagree with Dr. Wafa as well because it is not Islam that needs to be reformed it is people who need reformation in their thinking...and that includes her! Her generalization of muslims and her skewed perception of Islam is wrong, no matter how horrific the incident that caused her to question her religion.

I think for any religion, especially Islam, it is the individuals responsibility to understand and learn the true meaning of their Holy Book. They are responsible for themselves and no one else. Live your life and follow your religion as to how you believe is right and mind your own business instead of trying to convert or convince others to what you feel is 'the right way'. There's no real concept of clergy in Islam in my view, (it is just been you and your God), so I'd rather not start on the subject of Mullahs or this comment would be unending.

So here ends my lecture on this subject and hopefully I will sway away from making posts of this type in the future..

DEMENTIA CODE

2006-05-24T02:25:00.000+04:00

While in Washington on a holiday excursion, Yale cryptozoologist Dilbert Tungston receives an urgent late-night SMS message: "Fat, white, bloated dead body discovered in the Smithsonian's Natural History Museum – not part of the exhibit so get here quick! You have to see this!". Next to the body, DCPD find a baffling cipher. Cipher meaning they found absolutely nothing. But Tungston discovers a strange code on the buttocks of the dead fat guy and it reads, "EGRESS – all deposits made from the rear". Solving this enigmatic riddle, Tungston is stunned to discover it leads to a trail of clues hidden in the works of the PNAC…clues visible for all to see…and yet ingeniously disguised by the creators as the War On Terror or WOT - as in WOT the f**k!?.

Tungston soon joins forces with a gifted French proctologist, Soapy Newlo, and learns that the late fat white guy was involved in the Priory of Neocons—an actual secret society whose members now control the White House. The fat dad guy (also known as the Late flatulent git) has sacrificed his life to protect the Priory's most sacred secrets: the former association with (and nurturing of) OBL, the prior knowledge of the nonexistence of WMDs in Iraq and the no 'real' impending threat due to the nuclear enrichment in Iran.

In a hopeless race through Kabul, Baghdad, and beyond, Tungston and Newlo match wits, scratch heads and brush elbows with the faceless powerbrokers who appear to work for Opus Dim—a clandestine, sect of Washington Lobbyists who represent the global elitists who have long tried to seize the Priory's secrets in order to safeguard its secrecy . The Opus believes that the Priory is turning out be a bunch of clueless fascists who can't seem to plug the endless leaks on their massive screw ups all around the world, (including the ones in their pants).. Unless Tungston and Newlo can figure out the truth amongst the labyrinth of planned mainstream news propaganda, the Priory's secrets—and a stunning historical truth (about 9-11)—will remain hidden forever.

In an exhilarating blend of monotonous drivel, gutless wonderment, and frustrating tripe, Dilbert Tungston continues to bore the living crap out of the reader by not being able to see the truth even though it is right in front of him, most of the time. THE DEMENTIA CODE heralds the arrival of a new breed of light-headed, unintelligent thriller…surprisingly dull at every turn, and in the end, totally predictable…right up to its foregone conclusion.

-----
Inspired by and satirized from DA VINCI CODE (for cathartic purposes only).

CITIZEN PAIN

2006-05-18T02:05:00.000+04:00

The rise of alternative news sites on the internet have been a cause of great concern for certain members of Powers That Be (PTB), enough to cause bleeding stomach ulcers that cannot be cured by the aid of Pepto Bismol or an hour of Fox News.

Added to this alternative news site bombardment of facts, the other insufferable malady that is causing the same members of PTB to suffer from uncontrollable and involuntary bowel movements are web logs or blogs to be more precise. These blogs have morphed over the years from harmless online diaries of personal minutia to sites providing breaking news, analytical commentary and investigative news pieces. This current trend of political blogging has led to the classification of the term, 'Citizen Journalism' or at least that is what the mainstream media calls it.

Needless to say Citizen Journalists (bloggers) are causing a great deal of discomfort to majority of the mainstream media. The reason is that mainstream media, (seen here as a caucasian male working in a major US news network for the last 20 odd years and earning a salary in 7 figures), cannot stand the fact that ordinary people might have the requisite grey matter to do a well researched, informative and detailed analysis of global political events. What this mainstream media (arrogant, flatulent git) does not realize is that bloggers do not have to conform their writing to appease any government, corporation, lobby, or political pressure group because they are worried about losing out on their fat pay cheque.

Bloggers write because they are passionate about what they believe in, be it describing the content of their handkerchief after blowing their nose or questioning the government on their official lies.

I blog in hopes that the Powers That Be will soon be reduced to the Powers That Were, with aid of other bloggers from around the world. It is for precisely that reason that I, in partnership with my good friend Awab Alvi, have launched the Bloggers.Pakistan web site. The idea is to consolidate all the individual Pakistani blogging voices from around the globe on to one single web site so that the global internet audience can hear what we have to say. And of course, to further infuriate the mainstream media minions for not conforming to their guidelines set by Beelzebub. Oh! Did I say Beelzebub?... I meant the Globalists.

So I invite all my readers (yes, both of you!) to support our web site and routinely visit Bloggers.Pakistan for a Pakistani perspective on global issues such as the Iraq situation, global warming and Paris Hilton's latest fashion statement.

NO WORRIES

2006-04-30T10:22:00.000+04:00

Salesperson: What can I interest you in, today?

Customer: I'd like something to worry about, please.

Salesperson: Sure! We've got an extensive collection of concerns, from minor qualms that are a consistent, daily nuisance to large and uncontrollable fears that can result in internal hemorrhaging. What do you have in mind?

Customer: Umm, I am more inclined towards anxieties that result in rapid hair loss and uncontrollable bowl movements.

Salesperson: I have just the thing! This is our latest in our line of worries; the impending burst of the housing bubble.

Customer: Sorry, I don’t have a clue what that means, so I am obviously not concerned.

Salesperson: You should be but I digress. How about loss of civil rights and liberties? That's a great worry!

Customer: To be honest, I don’t really know if I ever exercised my civil rights, so a loss of the same, would not be of great concern to me.

Salesperson: That's a frightening thought but anyway. … How about these extreme weather reports and the signs of global warming? Surely, this must worry you?

Customer: Well, not really. Personally, I haven't experienced anything apart from excessive sweating in my arm pits, but that most likely is due to the lack of use of my deodorant.

Salesperson: Hence the horrid smell.

Customer: What?!

Salesperson: Oh, nothing. Well then, how about the increasing rise in oil prices, surely that must give you a reason to worry.

Customer: I don't really drive much so it is not a real worry for me, actually.

Salesperson: Unbelievable! Alright, how about the mess in Iraq and the exorbitantly large number of deaths of innocent people, that must concern you a little?

Customer: All for a good cause, I say.

Salesperson: I can hazard a guess that you are Fox News viewer. Are you?

Customer: Who isn't?

Salesperson: The sane. Anyway, how about the spread of AIDS, that is a big worry.

Customer: Don’t have sex.

Salesperson: World Poverty?

Customer: Survival of the fittest.

Salesperson: Possibility of Bird Flu pendamic?

Customer: Stocked up on Tamiflu.

Salesperson: Alright! This is my last piece. The possibility of using tactical nuclear weapons to destroy nuclear facilities in Iran and the resulting consequences, now that is effing scary!

Customer: Hah! Just a bunch of bunker busters on some old factories.

Salesperson: I give up! I have nothing here of concern for you.

Customer: Well, thank you so much for trying.

Salesperson: Your welcome, Mr. President.

A BLOGGER'S BLOCK

2006-04-22T23:48:00.000+04:00

Ring…Ring…Ring!!!

Me: Hello?

Operator: I have a call for you, will you accept the charges?

Me: Who is it?

Operator: It is your conscience calling, collect.

Me: Oh, Geez!...It is 2 bloody o'clock in the morning, what does he want now! Alright, put him through.

Con: Wake up you impertinent fool!

Me: It is bad enough you pester me endlessly during the day, and now you annoy me at night, when I am sleeping.

Con: Sleeping?! Sleeping?!...How can you sleep at a time like this!

Me: A time like what?

Con: The whole world goes down the crapper and you are snoring your way to apathy.

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Take action.

Me: Forge some opposition, start a revolution, and storm the Bastille, perhaps?

Con: HA bloody HA. Let's have less of that lip, shall we? Now get to work!

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Write a bloody post for your blog? It has been weeks!

Me: Not in the mood, really. Besides, I am suffering from a bloggers block.

Con: Oh, copious piles of dog poo! There's so much to write about.

Me: Like what?

Con: Impending Iran attack, the Iraq mess, your absolute dislike for PNAC, the growing infringement of human rights, Global Warming, the insanity of Globalists, the vomit inducing reality TV shows, the rise of intolerance by the religiously skewed, the list is endless. So, what do you say?

Me: hmm…..let me think……..Nah, couldn't be buggered.

Con: You heartless and unfeeling blog person! How dare you refuse your conscience?

Me: But what difference would it make if I blog or not? Would anyone notice the difference?

Con: I certainly would. Your thoughts will just then swivel around your head, your rant would have no where to go and as a result your head will explode. It would make such a mess and I am NOT going to clean it up, that's for sure.

Me: Actually, I think I might have run out of things to say (as exhibited by this post).

Con: So this is how you celebrate your one year anniversary of blogging?

Me: Has it been a whole year? Wow! It felt more like 12 months to me.

Con: So are you quitting?

Me: I might be. I prefer going out with a whimper….and that feeling of 'hmm?'.

PRECURSORY RHYME

2006-03-30T14:45:00.000+04:00

Sung to the tune of "Old MacDonald had a farm"

Old Iran wants uranium enrichment, I-A-E-A: "NO!"
And Tehran believes it is their legitimate right, I-A-E-A: "NO!"
With "intrusive inspection" here and a "nuclear option" there
Here a "bomb" there a "blast"
Everywhere a "Terror Threat"

Old Ahmed-nejad doesn't give a damn, I-A-E-A: "Oh?!"
Old UN Security Council issues a 30 day deadline, I-A-E-A: "Yo!"
And Iran does not want to comply, I-A-E-A: "Woah!"
With a "US hypocrisy" here and an "Israeli pressure" there
Here a "bull" there a "sh*t"
Everywhere "steaming poo"
With a "Mossad contrived intelligence" here and a "CIA backing" there
Here a "proof" there an "evidence"
Everywhere an "Impending attack"

The Atomic Agency is being prostituted by Security Council, I-A-E-A: "So?"
Do you know what the Iranis call this Agency? , I-A-E-A: "Ho?"
The five permanent members are ethnocentric and duplicitous, I-A-E-A: "Lo!"
With a "Globalism" here and a "Democratization" there
Here an "Oil Reserve" there a "Strategic Military Base"
Everywhere a "New World Order"

Should Iran get ready for US led attack?
I-A-E-A: "Sure."

FOR SALE:

2006-03-18T00:02:00.000+04:00

Non-existent WMDs found in Iraq. Hardly used. Looking for buyers specifically in Iran.

Unused conscience, available in pristine condition. The owners do not have any use for it.

Large amounts of faux, incriminating data, generic enough to be adaptable for use against any Middle Eastern country that possesses large of amounts of oil reserves or can accommodate multiple strategic military bases.

Large containers of mainstream media testicles collected over the course of the last 5 years.

Surplus amount of hypocrisy, available for anyone who might be interested.

A special deal on used 'HIGH' Threat Level Alerts available from Homeland Security Advisory Department. Procurement of a box of 10 'HIGH' Threat Levels qualifies you to receive a 'SEVERE' Threat level for free.

Hunting Rifles and cartridges available for sale, as 'undisclosed' owner has recently given up hunting birds.

Large areas of untouched national park reserves available for sale to highest bidder. Comes with pre-approved drilling rights.

Extensively large collection of factual, documented evidence regarding global warming. Never been used.

The constitution. Obsolete piece of historical document of little relevance. Any offer will be entertained.

Priceless collection of Iraqi national treasures (of historical value apparently but any offer will be accepted).

Contract for management and logistics of election rigging (in US and abroad). Always on the look out for best offer.

Last remaining pieces of Human Rights still left over from last year's sale. Already boxed up, shredded and ready to be used as refuse.

The War on Terror. Available for free for mass consumption. Comes with a variety phobias and fears for the general populace.

A lovely box set of the middle class and the poor. All proceeds to go to the foundation of the Repulsively Rich.

The Soul – (ALL SOLD OUT - SORRY!)

ANATOMY OF A PROTEST

2006-03-12T21:48:00.000+04:00

I think I have delayed writing about this subject long enough; even procrastination is beginning to think I am over doing it with the 'laziness' bit. So here is how it all happened….

Flashback (Swirly visual effects accompanied by 'doo roo roo roo' sound-fxs)

It was the winter of my discontent, and I was enjoying my evening constitution of sulking about the house, playing with my favourite piece of string, when I was interrupted by an email from the South Asia Editor of Global Voices Online. It said, " Pay attention, I shall write this only once. Are you aware that blogspot.com blogs cannot be viewed in Pakistan? I want you to contact your sources in Pakistan, and find out why. Now drop your piece of string and get to work! This email will self destruct in 2 seconds." No, wait! I am still in the middle of reading your ema..BANG!

I quickly sprung in to action; took a shower, made myself a sandwich, went shopping and trimmed the hedges. Then I realized I forgot to email my contacts. "Oh fudge!" I expeditiously sent out a message to my blogger group: "BLOGSPOT.COM BLOGS NOT VIEWABLE IN PAKISTAN [STOP] CAN YOU CONFIRM [STOP] MUST FIND OUT THE REAL REASON FOR THE BLOCK SO DON’T [STOP] UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THE CAUSE [STOP]"

Over the next 24 hours, I received several reasons for the blockade, which are listed as follows:
-Bush visit to Pakistan
-Blogger.com suffering from technical glitch
-Martians taking over cyber space
-Controversial cartoons considered blasphemous are being blocked by the Pakistan authorities and a blanket ban has been applied to the blogspot.com domain by the ISPs who are in fear of being prosecuted by the government for not abiding by the regulations set by the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority (PTA).

Needless to say, all were likely possibilities for the ban except for one. The 'cartoon controversy' sounded totally ridiculous!

The news finally hit a few news sites (and the Martians were lambasted for the screw up). I was deeply upset by this unfair ban. The massively large number of Pakistani fans of my blog were inconsolable, as they could not view my site. Yes, both of them were grief-stricken (and still remain in mourning).

I had to do something and quick, to protest this injustice. So I went out for dinner with my wife. Upon my return, I contacted an old blogger compadre, Dr. Awab (of the Teeth Maestro fame) and we mutually, synchronistically and surreptitiously decided to launch the DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign.

With our campaign page propped up within nano-seconds, we (Awab and I) hit the internet highway in my trusted rickhaw (with a nameplate that says, 'BLOCK THIS!').

Within a course of the next 48 hours, 23 minutes and 8.6 seconds we had spread the word about the ban far and wide (within a cyber parameter of an eight mile radius). As a result, our efforts were covered by main, alternative and obscure stream news sites (the links to those news items can be found on the campaign page – plug, plug).

So far the blanket ban on blogspot.com web logs has not been lifted but I continue to fight for the cause I believe in – the freedom of blogs from Martian attacks.

-------------
(On a serious) Note:

So far, I've kept silent about my own personal opinions about the free speech issue and have let the DONT BLOCK THE BLOG campaign speak for itself. But I believe it is time to set the record straight as to my point of view.

The controversial cartoons in questions are offensive. In Pakistan, as in many other (Muslim) countries they qualify as blasphemous, so no big surprise there.

These cartoons to me as a Muslim are offensive and various other disagreeable adjectives but I never asked for them to be banned. It would be extremely naïve and juvenile to believe that purpose of the re-printing of these cartoons was only an exercise in the 'freedom of speech'. These distasteful caricatures were meant to incite hatred, fear or derision of a specific religion and were specifically printed and re-printed for that purpose, considering the current global political climate.

I also believe that the resulting protests against these cartoons went way beyond insanity. It became a field day for nutters and political party morons to exploit the issue, and go on rampage; burning effigies and breaking windows which inturn led to riots that resulted in the burning of buildings and the murder of innocent people.

The recent ban on blogspot.com blogs is unfair because it is a blanket ban. Because of a few offensive sites, the authorities in Pakistan have blocked out so many other blogs that were actually protesting the cartoons. By that logic, the authorities could block the entire net because they are blasphemous writings and illustration on multiple web sites through out the internet.

I am a realist, and I realize that it is very unlikely that the government is going to lift the ban on the offensive sites that are considered blasphemous. And let me be honest here, I don't give a jot about the banned sites (listed on the PTA letter)…just couldn't be buggered because they serve no other purpose than highlighting a racist point of view. I qualify them in the same group as a KKK web site, no matter how much they cover themselves under the 'freedom of speech' blanket. Any web site or blog that ridicules a religion or a race of people gets my vote for 'lower than bug excrement'.

For those who believe that I should be fighting for the 12 banned sites listed on the PTA letter I say I would rather concentrate my efforts towards unblocking the millions of blogspot.com blogs that aren't on the list. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you start your own campaign to fight for the 12 banned sites, and please be sure to include the freedom of speech of all holocaust revisionists , all KKK/white supremacist web sites, along with all the sites promoting Al Qaeda drivel. Got that?!

(The views expressed above are my own and do not reflect those of my co-founder of DON’T BLOCK THE BLOG campaign, Dr. Awab Alvi).

NOTES TO SELF

2006-03-01T12:46:00.000+04:00

On the visit to India and Pakistan, avoid trying any spicy local food. Air Force One toilet still clogged up from my last trip to India in 2005. Remind Laura to give me Pepto Bismol after each meal, as a precaution.

Avoid all temptation to ask Doc. Manmohan to try on his turban. He didn't like it the last time I asked.

Sign Nukular Deal with India. (Don't forget to collect my copy of the accord). Remind Doc. Manmohan to send me keys to all of India's civilian, and possibly military, nuclear facilites (so I can send my people to carry out inspections) as soon as we send nukular technology and fuel to India. Ask Condi, what this deal is all about – still don't have a clue what it means!

Don't forget to scare the pants of Doc. Manmohan on Iran's nukular ambition. He must support the US when we go after Iran. There's no flexibility on Iran's nukular issue as India imagines. Ask Condi to back me up on this, as Doc. never believes what I am saying anyway.

Don't forget to stop in Pakistan, and accidentally fly over Pakistan on the way back to Washington. Remind Air Force One pilot of the same.

Exchange pleasantries with Pres. Musharaf and his Mrs. Don't show them copies of Danish Cartoons just because I think they are funny. Condi says the caricatures are blasphemous. Must look up the word 'blasphemous' in dictionary,…and the word 'caricature'.

Don’t forget to give Pervez, his 'Bush meets Mush so Shush! – 2006 Tour' T-shirt.

If Pres. Musharaf asks regarding the delivery of the promised F-16s, tell him that they are on their way like the last 40 times he has asked. Find out from Condi, if these are the ones we ended up using in Iraq when we were running short.

Give Pres. Musharaf a big hug for being such a good ally on my war on terror. Tell him to find some more Al Qaeda number 2s for us to hunt down, before we bomb the crap out another wrong target (killing innocent civilians) due to CIA's flawed guess work.

Give a 'heads-up' to Musharaf regarding Iran, and remind him that we might use Pakistan's airspace during the planned attack so please don't target any of our jets, as they might be carrying tactical nukular weapons, and shooting them down would create hell of mess for both our countries.

Remind Pres. Musharaf not to invite Cheney for his annual hunting expedition in Northern Pakistan. Dick is a bad shot, apparently.

Remind Pres. Musharaf not to worry about my recent and continuously sinking approval rating back in the US. 34% approval (as per CBS poll) is not bad as it matches my IQ!

Ask Condi if we can avoid our stop in Afghanistan. I am already feeling homesick.

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

2006-02-18T21:53:00.000+04:00

The 78th Annual Academy awards will be presented on March 5th, 2006 at the Kodak Theatre, and I for one am on tenterhooks. I can't wait till it is all over. The understandable excitement for the Oscars ceremony has resulted in much hair loss and rectal prolapsing amongst all Hollywood bigwigs. This year's selection is rather special as it covers the gamut of topical issues from cowboy manhandling to terrorists with a conscience. You will definitely need to take a box of tissues (and a clean pair of underwear) with you to go watch these films.

With much further ado, I present the nominees for this year's Best Motion Picture Award:

Redneck Mountain
An epic love story, set against the sweeping landscapes of Texas that tells the story of two old, extremely rich men--a Vice President and a lawyer--who meet in February of 2006 while driving through a ranch apparently hunting for birds. They unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, when the VP accidentally shoots the lawyer in the face, mistaking him for a quail. The resulting complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

Kaput!
The brutal murder of more than a hundred thousand Iraqis and two thousand plus American soldiers in the invasion of Iraq sent shockwaves through the world – and captured the attention of an author named William Blum.The movie covers his journey to create a bestseller ROGUE STATE: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower. Through his extensive research, Blum compiles a detailed list of US governments involvement since WWII in torturing, kidnapping, harboring terrorists, using chemical and biological weapons and utilizing many other lovely foreign policy tools. The book got a recommendation from the most wanted and homicidal of terrorists, Ossama Bin Laden. (I am not kidding!)

Crash (and burn)
A Danish Cartoon(ist). A rightwing-liberal newspaper. A Prime Minister in shock. Thousands of pissed off Muslim protestors. They all clash due to the re-printing of sacrilegious caricatures and over the question of freedom of expression. The protests start out with reasonable and legitimate verbal and written exchange but over the course of a few weeks turn into insanity driven, politically charged riots resulting in damage to property and human life. In the end, most of the protestors have forgotten what they were actually protesting about and end up smashing windows and peoples' heads for the heck of it.

Good Bye and Good Riddance
Taking place in the post 9-11 era of broadcast journalism, the movie chronicles the real life conflict between Bill O' Reilly (of Fox News) and those possessing sanity. With a desire to distort facts and promote sycophancy for the Administration, Bill ends up looking like an ass after each show. The movie is about O' Reilly's spiral downwards in the cesspool of tabloid journalism. Even the famous late night talk show host, David Letterman, known for his irreverent and ridiculous sense of humour, tells Bill, "60% of what you say is crap." (Absolutely true – this actually happened.)

Munchen
Set in the aftermath of the US invasion of Iraq and the Abu Ghraib scandal, the story follows the secret CIA chartered flights that originate from various European cities (including Munich) to pick up 'suspected' Al Qaeda terrorists to be flown to other (suspect) countries for illegal detention and torture. As the news breaks in the mainstream media of these flights, it is up to the CIA to come up with more creative and innovative ways to cover their tracks (and their ass) in order to continue what they are doing.

As esteemed members of the academy, please submit your vote for the Best Picture and I shall see you all at the Oscars!

TAG

2006-02-12T19:57:00.000+04:00

I have been 'tagged' by a friend (Teeth Maestro), and I have to admit that I am not too familiar with this mystical and strange blog ritual. I have however, answered the questions to the best of someone else's ability and hold these truths to be self-evident, if you know what I mean.

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life

Map Re-Folding Expert
Contact Lens Remover
Page Turning Concierge
Privet Hedge Sculptor

Four Movies I Could Watch Over And Over

Glitter
Gigli
Battlefield Earth
Swept Away

Four Places I Have Lived

In a cardboard box
In the basement of my neighbor's house
On earth
Vicariously through others

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch

Re-runs of Election 2004
Whitehouse Press Briefings
State of The Union Address (the sequel)
Local Programming

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation

Mirpur Khas
Heathrow Airport (spent a day there waiting for my flight – delightful!)
Sea of Tranquility
In my head (mostly)

Four Websites I Visit Daily

http://www.judgemylunch.com/
http://www.digholes.com/
http://www.waitforever.com/
http://www.staregame.com/

Four Favourite Foods

Extra-cheesy Cheesecake
Extra-cheesy Cheese pizza
Extra-cheesy Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Extra-cheesy Cheese Lasagna

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right now

Slightly left of center
In someone else's shoes
On the other side (as the grass is always greener there)
I would rather be myself right now than be a 'place', let alone four of them

Four People I tag next

Windmills

Meanderings

Hani

Neha

DANISH CARTOON

2006-02-05T08:28:00.000+04:00

(Response to) Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen’s Address- 3rd Feb, 2006

Ambassadors, Your Excellencies,

Thank you for coming at such short notice, (a full five months after the initial incident happened). As you are well aware Denmark has been faced with protests from the Muslim world concerning the publication of drawings of the Prophet in the independent newspaper Jyllands-Posten (a right wing liberal newspaper, which just shows you how bloody confused this rag really is). The Minister for Foreign Affairs and I have invited you today to inform you on the facts of the matter as well as the position of the Government of Denmark (only now, because we didn't have a clue as to how seriously the drawings would offend Muslims around the world, because apparently we are all living on another planet with the Danish Cartoon, Kurt Westergaard).

The drawings were brought in the newspaper Jyllands-Posten (Danish for Bigoted Tabloid) in late September 2005. In October I received from 11 ambassadors representing Muslim countries a letter in which they referred to the drawings and to other public statements. They requested a meeting and called on me to take action in the matter. (Being a secret sycophant of the xenophobes within my own government, I actually didn't do much other than issue an asinine statement that the government could not interfere with the media because I don't want any bad press myself.)

As you are well aware the cartoons (and I am not talking about the Danish government) caused a widespread public debate during the autumn. Therefore, I devoted a large part of my New Year’s Speech (which I didn't actually write) to the very issue of ensuring a respectful dialogue and the principle of freedom of expression. (Oh, c'mon don't laugh – I'm serious!)

In the speech, I made it clear that I condemn any expression, action or indication that attempts to demonise groups of people on the basis of their religion or ethnic background. (Which I have to admit is massive whopper of lie, as the Danish government passed a law, in September of 2004, limiting the ability of Muslims to enter into Denmark. In addition, several politicians within our country have made rather idiotic and racist statements against Muslims in their concentrated effort to convince all Danes to be either scared of Muslims or hate them or both. Thanks to the queen of Denmark for assisting in this effort.)

As you, Ambassadors, have witnessed during your stay in Denmark, the freedom of expression has a wide scope here. (We have the freedom to demonise, demean, ridicule and insult any religion or faith or sentiment that a considerably large population of the world holds sacred BUT what we do not have is the courage to express the same freedom when it comes to questioning the official [Holey] version of 9-11 OR exhibit the tenacity to attempt a cartoon of the Holocaust [God forbid] because that will admittedly be in bad taste and we will be hung by our genitals from the walls of Rosenborg Slot.)

But freedom of expression should always be combined with freedom of religion and respect between religions and cultures. (Absolutely) Those are fundamental values in the Danish society (Evidently not so.)
---
Point of Interest - From the Guardian (Feb 6, 06):

Jyllands-Posten, the Danish newspaper that first published the cartoons of the prophet Muhammad that have caused a storm of protest throughout the Islamic world, refused to run drawings lampooning Jesus Christ, it has emerged today.

The Danish daily turned down the cartoons of Christ three years ago, on the grounds that they could be offensive to readers and were not funny.

In April 2003, Danish illustrator Christoffer Zieler submitted a series of unsolicited cartoons dealing with the resurrection of Christ to Jyllands-Posten.

STATE OF THE HEAD OF STATE OF THE UNION

2006-02-02T23:20:00.000+04:00

Excerpts from the you-know-what by the you-know-who:

Every time I am invited to this rostrum, I'm humbled by the privilege as I never have a clue as to what to say and how to come up with sorry excuses for all the mistakes I've made through out the year. Fortunately for me, I have never had to write my own speeches. I just get tutored on how to read from the auto-cue and pronounce the difficult words before I get to the podium.
--
In a system of two parties, just like the voices inside my head, there is likely to be differences and debate. Fortunately for me, the voices inside my head are so loud that they drown out any external disagreeable and dissenting expressions, so in the end I just do as I please… (at least that is what the voices in my head tell me). Tonight the state of my cranium is strong. (Applause.)
--
Abroad, my controllers and I are committed to a historic and long term goal – to show ourselves as sane and normal, which obviously is not working considering our actions and our passed record of psychosis. But rest assured, the current unholy mess we find ourselves in today is nothing compared to the havoc I am about to create with Iran. (Applause.)
--
No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder. I will not allow that to happen, as that it exactly what I have planned for the Middle East, and the US already has WMDs and I intend to use them, pre-emptively I might add. (Applause.)
--
Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world. My aim on the other hand is to maintain our troops in Iraq and use it as a safe haven for future attacks against Iran. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder innocent people, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. What they don't realize is that we are doing exactly the same thing and much more, and we have already (nearly) inherited the Earth, so they are just too late, and so are the meek, for that matter. (Applause.)
--
Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And in that regard, I am doing everything in my power to convince other nations to support the US when we decide to attack you and your country (with even our tactical nuclear weapons) because apparently, you guys feel you have the freedom to develop nuclear power for a better future. I mean really, how dare you?! (Applause.)
--
Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it. Shape it in a way that the disparity between the rich and poor becomes more evidently clear. Apparently, we need more tax breaks for the rich because America needs more billionaires in order to compensate for the extremely large number of jobless, homeless and below-the-poverty-line poor. (Applause.)
--
Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. Which is why, we really need to hurry up and invade all these Middle Eastern countries under false pretenses and usurp all their energy supplies and natural resources, before we pick a fight with Venezuela for their oil. (Applause.)
--
Blah, blah, blah, and yada, yada, yada. (Standing ovation.)

A ROOM WITH VIEW-POINTS (Random Thoughts)

2006-01-26T02:15:00.000+04:00

DAY:
-Another day, another dollar (in someone else's pocket).
-A new personal discovery; the rate of hair loss is directly proportional to the increase in waist size.
-Watching CNN while having my breakfast is a good idea. It gives me an upset stomach and keeps me regular. (Wonder what would happen if I switched to watching Fox?)
-Traffic is becoming not only a test of my nerves, but is an adequate screening process for possible candidates for the insane asylum (… and I don't even drive).
-John Bolton's mustache is like a privet hedge. I think it veils his Hitler mustache underneath.
-Work, work, work… (must attempt to do some, sometime today).
-Bush should be invited to watch Brokeback Mountain. (I have a feeling Karl Rove might be interested.)
-Money, money, money… (must attempt to save some in this lifetime).
-47 unread emails in my inbox (wow!) …. Only two of them were relevant (sucks!)
- Met a new client today. Have to add another name to the list people I need to avoid for the rest of my life.
-Another new personal discovery; the car ride is painfully slower when heading back home.
-Home is where the heart is… (in addition to my laptop and my ADSL net connection).

NIGHT:
-Is it hot tonight or is it global warming?... (it's effing January!)
-400 channels but nothing worth watching (but one of these days, I am bound to get lucky…and drop my television out the window of my 8th floor apartment).
-Dan Quayle is a Project for New American Century signatory. Why doesn't that surprise me?
-Department of Homeland Security is making us all feel rather insecure.
-Blogging is cathartic. It is the bastard child of Technology (internet) and Psychotherapy (the need to rant to a shrink).
-Email CNN and suggest that Wolf Blitzer interview Noam Chomsky, Robert Fisk and Greg Palast on the same show… (if that were ever to happen Wolfy's little head would explode with frustration and dismay).
-Precision guided missiles?... (then how come the US consistently bombs the wrong targets?)…. Central severely lacking Intelligence Agency.
-Corporate Sponsorship is not getting its due credit in the media, for example, "The US President is brought to you this week by Haliburton in cooperation with the US Military Industrial Complex" would sound rather good before GWB's press briefing.
-It is my observation that according to most Talibanists, the length of beard growth is directly proportional to the amount of piety one possesses. This rule applies to most religious fundamentalists.
-Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. But what if the victim has incurable insomnia? (...like myself)

PUBLIC APOLOGY

2006-01-20T11:55:00.000+04:00

Never, and I mean NEVER, go in to recorded chinwag with a public radio station without being prepared. I cannot fathom, what possessed me to do this interview. I wasn't pressured into doing it, (there was no gun to my head), and neither was I promised a large amount of money (wire transfer to a Swiss bank account) for this chat yet somehow some evil, conniving voice inside my head, ("Go on, do it! I dare ya!"), convinced me that I would be able to contribute in a healthy political discourse.

After this telephonic interview, which lasted nearly an hour, I was left with this overwhelming feeling that I sounded like a complete and utter prat (a lot more than usual). The host, to his credit, tried his level best to incite some decent responses from me to fairly well thought-out questions but all he got in return were nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. I'm having nightmares just thinking about it. My answers reflected as much political profundity as Bill O' Reilly, meaning I ended up sounding like a total ass!

So, for those of you who ended up on my site, because you heard the interview, I would like to profusely apologize for not having made sense and for offending you with my incoherent rant. I promise not do it again. For the sole listener who was adequately impressed with my verbal tirade, I appreciate your support but you are biased because you happen to be my spouse.

For those of you who have no clue what I am on about, please ignore this post and continue with your reading of the other articles on this site.

And finally, to Chelsea Merz (show producer), thank you for this opportunity and for your kind words, and to Chris Lydon (show host), for your patience and tolerance. I want you both to know that it wasn't your fault, as I didn’t even have any idea as to the level of my incompetence. I just hope you are able to edit out all the words that I said between "Hi Chris" and "Bye".

Now, I am off to register for an elocution and public speaking class, so please excuse me.

----
At the risk of personal humiliation (in case my interview is available online), I would still like to thank www.radioopensource.org for the opportunity to speak out. I believe the idea behind this radio program is very cool and encourage everyone to support their site and contribute. (Just don't try to source my interview for your entertainment – it isn't nice to laugh at someone's misfortune).

Update Jan 21st, 2006 - Due to an incessant request from a dear friend I have had to insert a link to my interview in the post above. This wasn't my idea and you have been warned.

A NOSTALGIC LOOK FORWARD

2006-01-04T21:27:00.000+04:00

It is 2006 A.D. A.D., according to my book of references, stands for 'Aedas Demento', (Latin for Age of Insanity), which is quite apt, as that is how the mischievous global elitists had envisioned are future to be. With the coincidental convenience of terrorism threatening primarily every G8 country, it is the responsibility of the only benevolent, freedom-loving, superpower to pre-emptively strike specific sovereign nations in order to spread a whole lot of peace and love in the world.

So what is in store for us for the coming year(s)? More of the same, I am happy to report. The naughtiness of a specific oil producing Middle Eastern nation will be addressed with due care and attention. Once freedom and democracy has been spread all across this country, with the possible use of tactical nuclear weapons, peace and harmony will prevail via strict enforcement of martial law or continuous foreign military presence.

Large media companies will continue to merge until one day only one enormous Zeppelin media entity exists which will own the broadcast rights to everything on this planet. News will be presented as a form of a highly entertaining Reality Television show with continuous coverage of only the military's view point of the successful War on Terror, with embedded journalists reporting live from the press room in the Pentagon.

As part of the continued War On Terror (WOT), citizens will be encouraged (by means of a friendly threat to their life and livelihood) to allow themselves to be spied on, not only by the global superpower but by their respective governments as well. This voluntary global spying network will ensure that the government(s) can foil any future terrorist ploys and thereby protect you from yourself by kicking you straight into your civil liberties. (Ouch!)

With further elimination or total disregard of environmental laws, lovely climate changes will continue to take affect through out the course of the coming year(s). World citizenry will be able to enjoy more flash floods, hurricanes, rising sea levels, volcano eruptions, earth quakes, snow storms and other extreme weather phenomena. A fun evening for all families, you'll agree. The depleting ozone layer will help facilitate a longer-lasting and a bronzy-er tan so people can maintain a year long George Hamilton appearance.

An added advantage of the natural disasters will be to influence the less spiritual. The apocalyptic signs of disasters around the world will convince the non religious to finally be scared into attending their respective places of worship (mosques, temples, synagogues, churches, and the representative branch offices of the Church of Scientology or L. Ron Hubbard's house, whichever is closest).

All these delightful world events will indisputably take place in our lifetime, which is why the Meek have decided to congregate for their first annual meeting this year. They need to formulate all their plans in time to inherit the earth (or whatever is left of the earth after the Neoconic Empire is done with it).

I SPY

2005-12-20T09:44:00.000+04:00

Little Bush (LB): Let's play a game.

Little John Doe (LJ): Sure. What do you wanna play?

LB: How 'bout I Spy? I spy with my little NSA on Americans residing within the USA.

LJ: Hold on, you can't do that!

LB: Of course I can. I authorized it and I have the authority to do it.

LJ: No, you do not. It isn't legal.

LB: It is too. Article 2 of the 'goddamn piece of paper' gives me the right.

LJ: Article 2 of the constitution doesn't allow you to spy on Americans. You can't spy on people without some sort of court approval.

LB: Oh, yeah! … ask Little Gonzales, he is playing the US attorney general, he says I have the right. Besides, I did it to protect Americans.

LJ: You have got to be kiddin' me! You wanna spy on Americans, to protect the Americans you are actually spying on?

LB: Exactly!

LJ: You're a moron!

LB: Shut up! I am spying on you right now, and you are sounding more and more like an enemy combatant.

LJ: Listen, just because we sycophantically approved all your other unlawful deeds does not qualify you to scrutinize citizens within your own country on a pretext of war on terrorism and this issue should be sub judice anyway!

LB: Huh?.... uh,… thanks for the compliment.

LJ: Jeez! You don't get it, do you? I am going to request a congressional hearing on this.

LB: You can't do that! By discussing our spying tactics will give advantage to the evil-doers!

LJ: That's a load of bull and you know it! What you are doing is illegal.

LB: No it is NOT, and I am going to continue to spy on you and your family and the rest of the public, so there!

LJ: You can't do that to me, I'm an American!!

LB: Dude that is a line used in Hollywood movies by an American character who gets mistreated outside his own country. It doesn't mean anything here.

LJ: Well, I am not playing your stupid I SPY game. I'm leaving!

LB: Good! The whole idea of the game is to spy on you without you knowing anyway, so get lost!

PENTAGON APPAREL AND ACCESSORIES

2005-12-14T22:20:00.000+04:00

With our resounding success in influencing meek little minds of our national populace through the exploitation of our mainstream media, we, at US Special Operations Command (USSOC), feel that it is the right time to target the subservient intellect of the international world population in order to influence them to support our (what some might consider farcical) US foreign policies.

In this regard, we shall be scratching backs, turning knobs, twisting arms, pulling hair, kicking ass, and spending $300 million to basically spread 'the word' through international media. In addition, USSOC has also decided to launch a special line of clothing, (t-shirts with pro-US slogans), under the international banner of 'Pentagon Pret-a-porter'.

With great pleasure, we present to you, a preview of our t-shirt slogans from our debut summer 2006 collection.

-Just a goddamn piece of clothing
-THINKING; just don't do it
-Trust us; we know what YOU are doing
-Don't say No to GITMO
-Torturers R US
-For unknown, clandestine destinations – Fly CIA
-Who are you going to believe? US or the facts
-You are either with us or… Forget it; you are with us, period!
-Spreading Freedom through the use of Depleted Uranium Bombs
-For your new year's resolution, try giving up your rights!
-Pollution rules!
-Martial Law and Order
-World Bank Loans… in 40 million easy installments!
-Make Trade Fare
-Stop beating around the BUSH…. and CHENEY

For Fall 2006, we are planning to launch our new line of Propagandist Underpants. These are specifically designed to provide US support in just the right places.

GODDAMN PRAYER

2005-12-11T12:17:00.000+04:00

Dear Lordie,

Well, here we are again. So, what have you got to say for yourself? Hmm..? You're not planning to give me a freakin' break (ever), are You?

I don't know what the big deal is?! All I said was, "It's just a goddamned piece of paper" and everyone gets offended. Why? I have said so much worse before but it never leaked out to the press and now this happens. It can't be because I blasphemed because that's nothing new, and that's never bothered you before, right? So, why did you do this to me this time?

They tell me, that the goddamned people on the goddamned internet are all makin' noise about this. First, they all got a bug up their butt about our troop presence in Eye-rack (Iraq), then they start complainin' about all the torturin' we're doin' to those goddamned evil-doers, then they all start screamin' about Patriotic Act infringin' on their goddamn rights, and now they're bitchin' about the goddamn constitution. Why don't they make up their goddamn minds!!

Number one, I ain't movin the troops out of Eye-rack because they're just a bunch of goddamn soldiers who are there to protect my interests and the interests of my friends. B, we can torture who we goddamn well please. Third, Patriotic Act is the best goddamn piece of paper ever written for this country and it ought to permanently replace that 'other' goddamn piece of paper. Constitution, my ass!

Now, work with me here Lordie, please get this damn internet press in check. 'Cause I am goddamn' runnin' out of patience and might just ban the whole damn internet from this dag nabit planet, if they don’t shut the hell up!

Now, you know what you've got to do. You got to get that Aamaideja ……Akhmaane … Ahemenakh… the goddamn president of Eye-rain (Iran) to make another retarded statement against Israel and get this heat off me. You may ask, am I serious? You're darn tootin, I am!

CHINWAG: Conversation with Strep Throat

2005-12-06T22:06:00.000+04:00

ST: Pssst! I’m over here.

Me: Sorry, I didn’t see you there. It is so bloody dark in here. Why did you want to meet here?

ST: Because multi-storey, vacant parking lots are the ‘in-thing’ for secret rendezvous of government insiders and mainstream journalists.

Me: Yes, but you work at the drive-through window at McDonalds, and I am sporadic blogger, so why the precaution?

ST: Because it is necessary! Tell me, are we safe?

Me: I don’t know about you but I always use protection.

ST: No, you fool; I mean did you ensure that you were not followed?

Me: Certainly. I changed 4 buses and 2 taxicabs to get here, and I live only half a block away.

ST: Good! So what did you want to ask me?

Me: I wanted to know, who is really behind all these international terrorist attacks?

ST: No. We have to play this game my way; you tell me what you know and I will let you know if you are on the right track.

Me: Okay. Is ‘Evil Ideology’ behind these attacks?

ST: Yes, in addition to ‘Wicked Theology, ‘Rancid Proctology’, and ‘Morbid Ornithology’.

Me: Bastards! This ubiquitous terror threat does not make any sense. No one is safe. What purpose does it serve to murder and kill innocent people?

ST: Hey! The Bush Administration is fighting to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq, so the death of the insurgents is a necessity! They are expendable.

Me: Dude, I was talking about the terrorists killing innocent people.

ST: Oh! Yes, the death of innocent people is always a tragedy. All human life is very precious.

Me: But you just said that the insurgents are expendable…

ST: Never mind that! Do you have any other questions for me?

Me: Yes. What about all these CIA flights? Are they actually kidnapping alleged terrorists and flying them to other countries for torture?

ST: Certainly not! Those are just recreational excursion flights for individuals who volunteered to be flown by CIA to holiday destinations for a bit of R & R.

Me: R & R? Rape and repression?

ST: Get serious! You heard what Bush and Condi said right? The US Administration does not torture detainees!

Me: Yes, they get other contemptible corrupt governments to do it for them.

ST: Not true!

Me: You're right, I forgot about Gitmo.

ST: You better watch your mouth. You can't make statements like that.

Me: What about freedom of speech?.....freedom of expression?

ST: Look, everyone is allowed to speak their mind, as long as they don't criticize the Administration. Freedom can only be fully enjoyed if you regurgitate the mainstream view point.

Me: So what do you recommend, I start listening to Rush Limbaugh to formulate my political opinions?

ST: Why not? He's already got them formulated for you?

Me: But true patriotism is speaking up against the wrongs committed by your own government.

ST: Who told you that? Don't be such a Chomsky! True patriotism is not questioning authority.

Me: Fine. So I'll just stop thinking then, shall I?

ST: Why not? You'll be much happier.

MAD-RASA CURRICULUM 2006

2005-11-20T11:15:00.000+04:00

We are happy to announce the long-awaited, much anticipated Mad-rasa Curriculum (2006) for 'selected' Mad-rasas around the country. The Utterly Bored of Education have approved the following syllabus for the necessary indoctrination of future fanatics of our impoverished nation.

Program of Study

-How to misinterpret out-dated cultural norms as tenets of Islam - 101
-How to exploit women, children and your own faith for unrelenting avarice – 201
-How to memorize the verses of the Holy Quran while in iron shackles – freshman course
-Introduction to Beard Growth – 101
-Learning the meaning of the Holy Book (by pre-selected, authorized faculty members)
-The importance of Intolerance and Hatred towards the West (in contemporary times)
-The importance of Intolerance and Hatred towards the majority of your fellow citizens who disagree with your point of view
-Advanced Beard Growth - 201
-Fear and Fatal Beatings – the only approach to teaching the faith to the young
-Funding for Fanatics – Senior Class only
-Alteration of Pants, Trousers and Shalwars to ensure 'Above-Ankle' length style (extra credit)
-Martyrs r us: Self-Euthanasia and the murder of innocent people – Post Graduate course
-Propagation of the myth that all madrasas are alike
-Propagation and acceptance of the myth that the minority religious extremist views represent the true Islam (in accordance with Western government and Media guidelines)

It is indeed a privilege to have the distinguished faculty members return for yet another term of brainwashing. Please note members of our faculty still include ex- Mujahideen (yes, the same group supported and funded by the US who fought the Russians in Afghanistan, and then later came to be known as the Taliban and subsequently labeled as Al Qaeda supporters but we digress).

The Board of trustees guarantees the unlimited, covert and insidious support of the curriculum for the coming years. Donations will be accepted through all local and international branch offices in the UK. Wire transfers are welcome to our swiss bank account.
Account No.: OBL-911-BS
Swiftcode: GIMMEEMONEYORGOTOHELL

BLOGGER'S SOLILOQUY

2005-10-31T07:51:00.000+04:00

OLIVEREAM: To blog, or not to blog--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The hypocrisy and belligerence of an outrageous government
Or to write posts against a sea of fascist neocons
And by opposing end them. To quit ranting, to stop feeling--
No more--and by stop feeling to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That are the result of incessant lies. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To watch Fox TV, to go numb--
To go numb--perchance to stop thinking: ay, there's the rub,
For in that numbness what peace of mind may come
When we have shuffled off to another sovereign nation's oil-rich soil,
Must give us pause. There's the disrespect
That makes calamity of innocent lives.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of the current Administration,
Th' PNAC’s wrong, Bush's contumely
The pangs of ethnocentric arrogance, FEMA's delay,
The insolence of West Wing office, and the spurns
That Middle East merits for what is considered their unworthy oil reserves,
When the White House might its quietus make
With possible indictments of Scooter, Karl and Dick? Who would Iraqis bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after Iraq,
The undiscovered oil-rich country, from whose bourn
No Haliburton subsidiary returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
All become so accustomed to
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of corporate media
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of honest journalism,
And enterprises of mainstream newspapers and broadcast television
With this regard their reporting turn awry
And lose total integrity. -- Thick you now,
The fat Karl Rove! -- Nymph, in thy arrogance
Be all your sins remembered.
----
Based on Hamlet's Soliloquy

GLOBAL WARMING: A LOT OF HOT AIR

2005-10-18T07:31:00.000+04:00

You know I had heard it all before. “Global warming this, …climate change that…a big hole in the ozone, … yada, yada, yada” but none of it made any sense to me. I never really paid any attention to those ‘Green Pieces’ people anyway. And then one day, when my wife was in the kitchen, cookin up a storm, I sneaked a peak at one of those Fox television news programs where this man was talking about how cow farts were responsible for global warming. Well, that certainly got my attention, as the subject of Cattle Flatulence happened to be part of my dissertation during my senior year in university.

Apparently, the methane in the cow farts is causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger. As an Industrialist cum Landowner cum Politician cum Blue-Chip Investor (and a man sporting a huge mustache), I have vast amounts of experience exploiting my country … uh, I mean, its people … no, I mean, its natural resources. As a shareholder in some very prominent oil exploration companies, I have never come across any scientific evidence that pollution caused by the use of fossil fuels is responsible for global warming. At least, not in the reports sponsored and issued by the companies in my investment portfolio. So, global warming is not because of the nonsense spewed by the tree-hugging left who keep insisting that the severity in global warming is due to increase in CO2 emissions because of mankind's heavy dependence on the use of fossil fuels. Well, I am part of mankind and I don't think my Toyota Land Cruiser caused any type of warming (global or otherwise) and neither have the 6 other SUVs driven by my immediate family members.

Just because of the 2004 Asia tsunami, recent high levels of rainfall and flooding, increase in the numbers of volcano eruptions, increase in the frequency of tropical storms and category five hurricanes like Katrina, everyone seems to think that industrialized nations are to blame. What bull crap!

Worst of all is the claim by some scientists that the recent increase in number of earthquakes is the result of global warming which in turn was caused by excessive fossil fuel related pollution. I mean, c'mon! How can that be? I mean I realize that recent one 7.6 earthquake in Pakistan was one of the worst that country has suffered in probably a hundred years but hey, there was another massive earthquake (a 7.2) in Alaska that hit in 1979 but no one remembers that! So what if the related subsequent scientific investigation revealed that "earthquake action picked up in places where the ice masses retreated some 10,000 years ago…. and pressures push up high mountains where glaciers form - and the weight of the glaciers pushing down can stabilize the situation, if not eliminate the risk altogether. Remove that weight, and the likelihood of a quake goes up as the strain accumulates."

I know what you are all thinking, "what a load of horse manure!" I agree. Just because there is an increase in the number of horrible catastrophes happening around the world, does not mean there has to be a scientific explanation for it. The reality we all have to confront is that these are all a natural occurrence. A natural occurrence due to God's will. God, it appears, is really ticked off at all of us humans. Why you might ask? The reason is as apparent as George Bush's towering intellect. It is because we have all failed in our acceptance and full support of the Globalism. Had we fully backed the idea of open market and exportation of democracy (in its raw, unrestrained form) to all oil producing Middle Eastern and Third World countries, none of these catastrophes would have happened as God's resulting punishment.

We, as humanity, are now confronted with one final question: Why the heck did I decide to start my annual excursion in the mountainous, northern region of Pakistan on the 7th of October, 2005? It's been more than a week and I'm still waiting to be rescued. Help!

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD - AN UNHEARD OF DIALOGUE

2005-10-08T12:20:00.000+04:00

Dear Lord, … may I call you Lordie? It seems less formal since we know each other so well. I need your help … yet again.

Just to reiterate, you told me to invade Afghanistan, and I did. Granted you had to show me on the map where it was first but hey, nobody is perfect you know. You instructed me to bomb the sh** out of Iraq and I did. Now, you’re finally giving me signs about attacking Iran and I appreciate that because the Pentagonians have been itching to try out our new bunker-busting small scale nookular weapons. But, before I get around to that, I just needed to ask you something. What the heck was up with all this Katrina and Rita crap?! You know I am busy ruling the world, uh,... I mean, ruling the country, fighting the War on Terror and such stuff and you decide to hurricane my sorry ass in the middle of it all. Why lordie, why?! Now my popularity has gone to sh**! It was bad enough with the Cindy Sheehan crowd, but now my own loyal republi-con supporters are turning against me!

This is turning out to be the worst year ever! I mean, really Lordie, let’s be honest here. You haven’t made it easy for me since my first year of presidency but this year you really let me have it. I am not saying it is all your doing, I know Mike Brownie, Tom Delay, and Bill Frist haven’t help things either but please Almighty G, could you take some heat of me regarding this Valeria Plame affair? Now, Karl is saying that he wasn’t involved with the CIA leak, so could you just leave things at that and stall any further investigations into this matter. I’d really appreciate it, thanks! And as far as my involvement goes, the only leak I was responsible for was the one I made in my pants when I first heard about the Plame investigation.

Finally, I wanted to let you know that there are rumors among the press that I’ve recently started drinking again. I just wanted to you to know that is a bold face LIE! I started drinking a couple of years back and there’s nothing recent about it. I drink only for medicinal purposes mainly, as the alcohol helps me relax in these very stressful times. But most of all I drink because it brings me closer to you so I can converse with you every night in these very candid, one-to-one sessions.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I should die before I wake
Then have the White House Medical Emergency staff resuscitate me immediately, just like they did the last time I choked on a pretzel.
Amen

FLORIDA - MAKE MY DAY

2005-10-01T11:47:00.000+04:00

The epitome of advanced and cultured society, the state of Florida has implemented a new law for the protection of its citizens. Described as the ‘Shoot First’ (and don’t bother asking questions later) Law by the Brady Campaign, this new law “… eliminates the duty to avoid the threat and, instead, allows the gun user to 'shoot first' to eliminate the threat.” How supremely wonderful!!(I hear you say.) I wish we had the same laws in our state but obviously we are not so lucky to have the President’s brother as our Governor to help support the implementation of such a law.

The law was championed by an organization that is prominently known for its erudite group of members (who only rival MENSA in their intellect). That’s right! You guessed it; I am talking about the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA supporters of the law have christened it the ‘Stand Your Ground’ (and fire indiscriminately) Law. “The law also makes it legal for someone to use deadly force against anyone who unlawfully or forcefully enters their home or car — even if they are not being attacked.” I know you all are soiling your pants with excitement with that one.

Mark this very special day on your calendar because from this day forth, the ‘Castle Doctrine’ (which enables the right of residents to protect their homes by shooting intruders) has now been extended to public places so if people feel threatened with death or bodily harm, they may shoot to kill. So if you are a Floridian, and you decide to take a stroll outside in public place, and just happen to notice a man smoking a cigarette in your near vicinity, you may have the right to go ahead and put two bullets in his forehead (at close range) because second-hand smoke causes ‘bodily harm’ and you have the right to defend yourself. But don't pull out your gun in excitement just yet, as the jury is still out on this scenario. No one has a clue as to how ridiculously this current law might be interpreted by the gun-owning residents of Florida.

The NRA is so pleased with the enforcement of this new law that they are planning to change their slogan to “Guns don’t kill people, Floridians do!”

Obviously, the criminals are worried about this new law. “Before, I just used to go ahead and mug people at gun point but now with this new law in place, it is going to be very difficult for me. I mean, I will have to change my tactics because the average citizenry will now be ‘packin’. So what I’ll be doing from now on is shooting people dead the instant they try to fight back because as you know the new law allows me to protect myself from death and bodily harm. As a Floridian, gun-owning mugger, I have decided to abide by this new law and use it to my advantage.”

Florida Billboards now advertise:

Welcome to the Florida – the Sunshine State. Known for orange juice, beautiful beaches, frequent hurricanes, rigged election results AND citizenry brandishing heavy weaponry and possessing itchy trigger fingers. We hope you enjoy your stay!

OPEN MOUTH; INSERT ARMY BOOT

2005-09-21T07:53:00.000+04:00

"A lot of people say if you want to go abroad and get a visa for Canada or citizenship and be a millionaire, get yourself raped." President Pervez Musharaf's comment in the Washington Post article (13/09/05).

With the successful completion of the United Nations World Summit of 2005, (which concluded with a loud whimper), we can now all rest easy in our beds knowing that nothing really conclusive has been achieved by the world leaders (as per usual).

The only thing that really made news around the world was President Musharaf's now infamous quote to Washington Post. There was a loud thud that reverberated around the world as collective jaws of the people (especially Pakistani women) hit the floor. To say we were all flabbergasted would be an understatement. In Pakistan, hospitals emergency wards were inundated with patients suffering from massive coronaries and violent vomiting spells due to the resulting shock and dismay.

Nothing and I mean NOTHING, can justify, qualify, or excuse such a retarded response to a question relating to the serious issue of rape victims in Pakistan. President Musharaf, has since clarified his position by claiming that he was "misquoted". We all hope (as Pakistanis) that this is true, and that somehow the Washington Post reporter, high on mixture of alcohol and drugs, decided to type these offensive words demeaning Pakistani women and wrongfully associate them to Musharaf.

Even if Musharaf was narrating the words of someone else, and he is not of the same opinion, the IQ has to drop sharply below double digits for one to repeat such nonsensical views in front of the foreign press.

Apart from the massive anger it generated, the following incident occurred as a direct consequence to this idiotic quote appearing in print.

X: Good morning.

Mr. Y: Good morning, how can I help you?

X: I'd like for you to issue me Canadian visa please.

Mr. Y: Well, first you will have to provide us with a completed visa application form and related required documents, before we can assess if you qualify for visa.

X: I qualify, I have been raped.

Mr. Y: What?!

X: Yes, raped! And as you are well aware, Mr. Musharaf said that if I 'get myself raped', I will be granted a Canadian visa.

Mr. Y: That is utter rubbish and is highly offensive!

X: Alright, then what about the million dollars? I can at least get the million dollars right?

Mr. Y: Absolutely not!

X: Oh man, what a jib! You mean I don't get anything for getting myself raped?

Mr. Y: No. And by the way SIR, who may I ask raped you?

X: The system! … "The meek shall inherit the earth?" Not bloody likely. I can't even get a visa to Canada!

I RESIGN!

2005-09-13T12:02:00.000+04:00

September 12, 2005

To: Mike Chertoff, (Secretary: Homeland Security)

cc: His Royal Holy-ness (the President of United States of America)

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

With an extremely heavy heart and lukewarm testicles, I hereby submit my letter of resignation for your review and acceptance. I know you were expecting it, along with the rest of the American population, so I decided that it would be the best time for me to quit my position as the head of FEMA, as I already have my tail tucked in between my legs.

As the Director of FEMA, I led the response to more than 164 declared disasters and emergencies, and I am not referring to the performance of the current Bush Administration and its handling of the Iraq invasion and the WAT (War on Terror). I worked my velvety buttocks off trying to keep up with you and your genius ideas about conducting WAT drills in every state in America AND responding to disasters, all at the same time. You are one heck of an evil task master. Screw up once with Katrina, and you are ready to can my sorry ass. And don’t pretend like you were not going to fire me because I know you were, and that’s why I conducted a pre-emptive strike and quit. Now you can appoint someone else to handle the mess that we are ALL responsible for creating.

Now, I know I fudged my resume a bit for the purpose of this job, (as you are well aware) but who doesn’t? The fact that prior to my position at FEMA, I served as a bar examiner on ethics and professional responsibility has nothing to do with anything. So, why was my resume-fudging made such a big issue? Have you seen the President’s resume? Would you like me to scrutinize that for you, hmm?!

All this time you had me busy preparing for responding to terrorist attacks by suspiciously obscure religious extremists and that is what my team and I were ready for. This is what you told me to concentrate on and to care about. And now that Katrina has happened, you are not taking any responsibility for it. That is category FIVE BULLSH**!! Your skinny little ass deserves to be fired and that is the truth. And don’t even get me started on the President. He should be held accountable for this mess and for not having a clue about what’s going on. Telling me “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of job.” Yeah, right! So are you Mr. President.

I have now decided to accept the offer as the new Director of the Criminally Insane Asylum of Washington, DC. In which capacity, I shall be looking forward to meeting you and the President very soon.

Love and Kisses,

Michael D. Brown (B.A., J.D. and WD-40)

FEMA-NCHURIAN CANDIDATE

2005-09-07T07:25:00.000+04:00

Can you smell it? This vile stench from the aftermath of Katrina, has not only singed the hairs in our collective nostrils but has left us with this nauseating feeling that makes us want to vomit every time we watch or read the news. The source of this horrid disgusting odor is the bull sh** that spews forth from the mouths of those who are truly responsible for making this natural disaster into a national disaster.

Apparently, everyone was caught off-guard, including the President (which is understandable, since he was busy running away from Cindy Sheehan). NOAA had been posting warnings about a possible Category 5 hurricane making landfall but then who really had the time check out their web site.

The buck has floated in the rancid waters of New Orleans from one person to another has currently settled on the forehead of Mike Brown the Director of FEMA, who surprisingly is well experienced in handling natural disasters as he happens to be one himself. Brown, along with Mike Chertoff (Secretary of Department of Homeland inSecurity) were advised by the staff of the National Hurricane Center about storm’s potential deadly effects but apparently that bit of information was classified as irrelevant and was immediately evacuated out of their respective heads like a couple of rich white men out of New Orleans on a chartered jet right before the hurricane hit.

We don’t know what the local, state and federal officials were doing when Katrina hit New Orleans (probably watching the hurricane on CNN) but we do know that exactly 13 months prior to the arrival of Ms. Katrina in her category Five-ness, these people were busy conducting a successful hurricane drill in the same city, so it is not as if FEMA and the state and local authorities did not know how to respond to such a threat. They knew and they did NOTHING!

It is not enough just blaming FEMA for this hellish mess. We actually need to point our fingers and toes towards the real culprit which happens to be the Department of Homeland inSecurity. Since FEMA is a part of the DHS, it is fair to say that FEMA’s attention (and much of its covert budget) is diverted towards preparing for eventualities relating to civil unrest after a terrorist event. They faced the same criticism after hurricane Andrew smashed into Florida. (Yes, this is not the first time FEMA dropped the ball). The subsequent investigation of FEMA after that disaster revealed that “FEMA was spending 12 times more for "black operations" than for disaster relief” and “It spent $1.3 billion building secret bunkers throughout the United States in anticipation of government disruption by foreign or domestic upheaval.” And that was 1992 folks, so you can imagine what FEMA's black Ops budget is now (after 9-11).

The reality is that Federal Emergency Management Agency is part of the DHS, and the DHS is too busy spending billions of tax dollars spying on you and your family members in their hunt for bearded, religious fanatic terrorists that they can NOT be bothered saving people's lives during a category 5 hurricane. Sorry but that is just asking way too much of them. All they are authorized to do is to do a 'clean-up' job after excrement has hit the propeller. So as horrifying as this may sound you need to save your own ass when the time comes, (especially if you are African-American and/or poor) because 'frankly my dear, FEMA don't give a damn!'

THE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD

2005-08-28T09:57:00.000+04:00

Prez: I don’t care what the poles say!! I only give a darn about what the American public thinks. Well, some of them, anyway.

X: No, you insufferable idiot, I am referring to the recent opinion polls and surveys, which indicate that you are as popular as an acute case of hemorrhoids.

Prez: How can that be? They must be polling the wrong people then. I must ask Rove to come up with a new survey.

X: Karl Rove is too busy leaking the real identities of CIA employees to be bothered with fabricating opinion polls.

Prez: What the fudge am I doing wrong here?! I mean, I am just following your orders. You told me to start the crusade against the evil doers, who have done evil, are still doing evil and most likely, will continue with their doing of evil in the future.

X: I said no such thing! I never gave you such orders. Have you been sniffing diesel oil, again?

Prez: Of course not! …. Okay, once. Alright, I only do it occasionally…. after meals, and that’s it!

X: Holy motherboard! I knew it! Alright, why don’t you meet with Sheehan? I think that’ll take some pressure off you and it’ll please the public.

Prez: No I can’t. I have to get on with my life. I support her right to protest but I can’t support her right to confront me face-to-face. That’s asking way too much, plus I haven’t a clue what to say to her.

X: So what in the name of all that is Holy, are you going to do?! The majority of the world population detests you. They are remote tribes in the Amazon rainforest, completely untouched by civilization, who vomit violently at the sound of your name because they hate your guts so much.

Prez: But I am doing the Lord’s work, and I don’t care what people think!

X: What ‘Lord’ are you talking about? Lord Mountbatten? Lord Byron? Lord of the Rings? Lord’s Cricket ground….who?

Prez: You Lord, I am talking about you! I know who you are, J.C. You represent the man-upstairs.

X: J.C.?! Holy Valance! I am not J.C. you fool! I am just a voice inside your head.

Prez: What?!!!! You mean you are not James Cameron?!! Oh, sh*t!

NUTS & BOLT(ON) - PART II

2005-08-26T13:17:00.000+04:00

The festering boil on the backside of the UN has started leaking pus. I know that sounds revolting but the mustachioed freak (John Bolton) has only been at the UN a few days and he is already causing trouble, (as predicted). Only weeks before the UN reforms summit, the United States wants to renegotiate the draft agreement and get rid of some its most crucial provisions.

Obviously to Bolt-head and the current US administration these provisions seem rather insignificant, I mean all we are talking about is:

- the elimination of pledges of foreign aid to poor, third world nations (because they don't really need it and that money could be better used by the US military) and

- scrapping provisions calling for action to halt climate change (because as we all know, there is no real evidence of climate change, and the only global warming and pollution that has occurred is due to the methane gas caused by John Bolton's flatulence).

In addition, 'The US amendments call for striking any mention of the 2000 Millennium Development Goals, in which UN members set goals over the next 15 years to reduce poverty, preventable diseases and other scourges of the world's poor' and instead wants ' to underscore the importance of the 2002 Monterrey (Mexico) Consensus, that focused on free-market reforms and required governments to improve accountability in exchange for aid and debt relief'. (We are so glad that the US government has got its priorities straight).

The proposals also highlights US efforts to impose greater oversight of UN spending (but not the UN oversight of US spending of Iraq oil revenues) and to eliminate any reference to the International Criminal Court (because any international court that would consider prosecuting Americans, is against God’s will).

There are in total 750 amendments presented by Bolt-head, and the US is expecting each one to be approved by the UN ambassadors or else the US will invade their respective countries.

BEHAVE YOURSELF!

2005-08-24T17:16:00.000+04:00

Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary has taken another giant step towards countering ‘real and significant terror threat’ (as opposed to unreal and insignificant terror threat) by issuing a definitive list of ‘unacceptable’ behaviours that he hopes will be followed by all non-UK citizens interested in being deported from the United Kingdom. Considering the fact that he spent a full two weeks, trying to come up with this list, ‘it is the least you can do’.

The list covers everyone anyone (except UK citizens) within the UK or abroad, i.e. the rest of the world population who use any medium (including distributing materials, preaching, running web sites, drawing pictures, miming, break-dancing, and lip synching) to express views that:

- foment, justify or glorify terrorist violence in furtherance of particular beliefs;
[no, this does not refer to the Invasion of Iraq and the murder of thousands of Iraqis to promote the fascist globalist agenda under false pretenses and then claim it as a success story]

- seek to provoke others to terrorist acts;
[no, this does not refer to leak of Abu Ghraib images/videos to incite insurgent violence to ensure the presence of foreign troops in Iraq]

- foment other serious criminal activity or seek to provoke others to serious criminal acts; or
[no, this does not refer to no-bid selection of Haliburton or the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq oil revenues]

- foster hatred which might lead to inter-community violence in the UK
[ no, we are not refering to the murder of Jean Charles de Menezes]

So, now who wants to get deported, hmm?

GWS - A DREADFUL MALADY

2005-08-22T11:21:00.000+04:00

In order to address the desperate need for an urgent relief to this dreadful malady that has afflicted most, if not all, the settlers who have been forcefully removed from their homes by the IA, we present:

A Helpful Guide to Fighting Gaza Withdrawal Symptoms (GWS)

GWS may occur suddenly, most often, after immediate removal from your place of residence in the occupied settlements zone. Not everyone evicted will suffer these symptoms but most people who had inhabited these illegal settlements for more than a decade our likely candidates for a nasty case of GWS.

There is no way of predicting how an individual will respond to a government sponsored forced expulsion but these “cold-turkey” evictions can cause considerable damage.

A victim of GWS might suffer from mild to severe psychological symptoms such as Anxiety, Irritability, Emotional Volatility, Agitation, Extreme Anger, Severe Depression, Mental Fatigue and a state of confusion followed by hallucinations (visual).

Physical symptoms include Headache, Sweating, Nausea, Vomiting, Loss of Appetite and irregular and abnormal bowel movements.

Treatment:

After the punching, kicking, wailing and gnashing of teeth has stopped, move the victim to a comfortable environment (like a five star hotel room with television and cable access to Arutz Shalosh and Fox News). Place the victim calmly on the bed, and with the aid of a bullhorn, reiterate the following facts directly into his/her ear hole:

- Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once!
- Although it is against The Fourth Geneva Convention, you are being relocated from your old (illegal) settlement to your new (illegal) settlement near the beach.
- The government has decided to compensate you handsomely for your transfer.
- Courtesy of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank has decided to buyout the colonies’ greenhouses built on confiscated land, so if you own one, you’re in the money!
- It is a likely possibility you will be relocated to your new fancy home on another illegal settlement in the West bank.
- You and your family members will remain secure and safe as the Israeli military will continue to control the air and land borders.
- The colonists will continue to control majority of the water supply in the illegal settlements.
- By ‘disengaging’ from Gaza, Israel can finally concentrate on annexation of crucial Palestinian territories in Jerusalem and West Bank.
- The Apartheid Wall will continue to be built until the Palestinian prison is complete.
- Finally, the IDF will continue to demolish Palestinian homes, shoot innocent civilians (including children), and restrict their movement to the confines of the prison they call home.
- Now calm the f**k down!

You will notice that GWS victim will immediately begin showing signs of relief. He/She will appear much calmer, happier and might end-up even laughing uncontrollably; in which case, you can join him with evil menacing chuckle mimicking the fascist git Sharon.

--
Source and Inspiration for this piece are here and here.

RED, WHITE AND BLUE - MAKES ME FEEL PURPLE

2005-08-20T12:12:00.000+04:00

Since these days the definition of a true patriot is defined by the number of bumper stickers plastered on the back of your car, we here at the Olive Ream, would like to present to you with our own collection of sticky dictums (and no, we are not referring to the duct tapes used by the terrorists), that you can print, paste and promote on your SUV.

- You have the right to bare arms – so wear a sleeveless t-shirt.
- We troop our supports – by tying you up well so you won’t escape.
- You are either with us or you're opting for sanity.
- Land of the free (only for a little while longer)
- Home of the brave (currently being scheduled for demolition)
- Remember 9-11 (but forget about catching Ossama)
- Support the Patriotic Acts (because civil liberties are over-rated)
- In God we trust, (but the feeling is certainly not mutual)
- Spread Freedom & Democracy (by bombing the crap out of other sovereign nations)
- Join the Army (voluntarily or we will draft your sorry ass!)
- Support Israel (if you know what’s good for you)
- United we stand (in our disbelief at the mess the Neocons have created)
- Divided we fall (for the same type of lies repeatedly)
- Support the war on terrorism (with your tax dollars and your life)
- Prey for the troops (they need help in killing insurgents)
- Let freedom ring (just don’t bother answering and it’ll go away)

If you need to feel patriotic at home, we suggest you plop yourself on your sofa, place a family size bucket of buttered popcorn in your lap, and watch the Fox channel. Every time you hear the word ‘terrorist’ you have to chug a pint of Beer. We promise you will be feeling extremely patriotic by the end of the evening.

Not recommended for minors, pregnant women and the clinically sane.

NEED HELP?

2005-08-14T16:13:00.000+04:00

Are you an ‘Evil Ideologist’? Do you hate the WEST? (even though you and every member of immediate family is either a UK or a US passport holder) Do you belong to a quorum of religious fanatics with itchy fingers and who have nothing better to do than having strokey beard meetings? Are you looking to cause havoc and human suffering but cannot come up with a good enough idea because you are severely lacking in the brain department?

If your answer is a resounding YES to all of the above, then we have a list of wonderful terrorist activities that you can plan and execute courtesy the US intelligence, military and security agencies.

We know how hard it is to come up with the logistics of pulling off something like 9-11, (trust us, it wasn’t easy), therefore in our infinite wisdom, we have provided you with varied selection of detailed terrorist scenarios from which to choose from.

You can start by visiting this web site, here. This happens to be Homeland Security Council’s ‘Idiot’s Guide to the 15 most frightening terrorist scenarios’. This should provide you with sufficient ideas to perpetrate your next radical activity. They are plenty to choose from, so this site shall pretty much address all your maniacal requirements. It is open to the public and there is no subscription fee to view the contents, although donations are welcomed.

If you are looking for more contemporary ideas regarding committing heinous crimes against humanity, US Northern Command (NORTHCOM) has been kind enough to advertise their next terror drill, which is described as follows, “Here's the scenario. A seafaring vessel transporting a 10-kiloton nuclear warhead makes its way into a port off the coast of Charleston, S.C. Terrorists aboard the ship attempt to smuggle the warhead off the ship to detonate it." How mind-numbingly frightening is that?!

Well, we hope you appreciate our tireless efforts in making your job as terrorist a whole lot easier. Our only request remains that you please conform to the ideas and terrorist scenarios referenced for you above. We have only been practicing our terrorism response drills related to the above highlighted scenarios, so please don’t come up with your own silly little plans or else we’re screwed.

--------

Author’s note: Before I receive any complaints regarding the above, please note the post is meant to be sarcastic and I am not actually encouraging, inciting or promoting terrorism. Rest assured all grievances will be duly noted, printed on thoroughly absorbent paper, and shall be used as my lavatory roll in the future.

I’ve been trying to figure out why so many Americans still continue to support this current lying, fascist, Neoconic Administration. I think I might have found the answer. Check this out.

NUTS & BOLT(ON)

2005-08-05T10:53:00.000+04:00

Well, there you go. The supreme seed in the foul collection of mixed nuts known collectively as the Bush Administration, has appointed John Robert Bolton as the Ambassador to the United Nations.

The mustachioed freak that held the position of Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security since May, 2001, will now be terrorizing the UN and his presence there will be as welcome as the black plague. Enough has been revealed about his sordid past for all us to come to an obvious conclusion that this fascist git is being positioned into place (like a chess piece) for the next big US military misadventure.

So what is in store? Just like Iraq, VP Prick Cheney has instructed the Pentagon(ians) to come up with another insane attack plan. But this time it is specifically fashioned for Iran. This plan is to be implemented following another 9-11 type attack (which apparently, Prick and his Neocon nuts are sure will happen, sooner rather than later). The core of this plan includes the use of air assault on Iran, utilizing not only conventional but tactical NUCLEAR weapons. Hello!!?? Anyone see the results of their precision bombing in Iraq? Destroy everything in sight including their own US ground troops. Now imagine this being done with a nuclear weapon. Get the picture?

Returning back to the mustachioed freak, the reason for his urgent appointment to the UN by El Presidente, is to ensure that the UN does not cause unnecessary delays in expediting their maniacal plan. Bolt-head will be prepping the UN offices with necessary bugging devices, black-mailing the requisite members for future attack on Iran, and harassing the living sh** out of the female (and the male) staff at the UN HQ for his own perverted pleasure. And this is just for starters, he has got a lot more tricks up his sleeve and down his pants to cause serious concern for the future of UN.

So while our collective attentions are diverted towards spotting non-Caucasian looking individuals carrying back packs, the real terrorists are preparing for a mass annihilation of yet another sovereign nation. Of course, to muster support of the American public (and the coalition of the willing sycophants) would require another 9-11 type scenario to take place, and how convenient it is for the US administration that Al Qaeda will oblige this time, as it has done in the past. Just ask Prick Cheney. Al Qaeda has never let him down, since the days when these band of merry men were known as the Mujahideeen.

I sincerely hope and pray that I turn out to be wrong about all of this. But knowing my luck….(sigh).

CHICKEN SH** FOR THE SOUL

2005-07-24T19:01:00.000+04:00

BOOK REVIEW:

Title: Chicken Sh** for the Soul – 101 stories to Open the Bowels and Rekindle the Hatred
Compiled and Edited: Bubba Bush & Tony Prick
Publisher: Global Elitist Refuse House of Publishing & Marauding

A fine collection of heart-warming, stomach-churning, vomit-inducing lies that help uplift your blood pressure, while shrinking your thought process to that equivalent of a retarded gold fish.

The main theme prevalent in this imbecilic collection of fabled fables is the global threat of terrorism. In order to fully appreciate this book, the reader must surrender all rational thought, dwell in paranoia and possess a single digit IQ. To help achieve this state of mind, a small collection of hallucinogenic drugs are provided with each hard back version.

Some of the masterpieces in this fine collection of drivel include:

- The convenience of blaming Al Qaeda for everything from a terrorist attack to a paper cut
- How to avoid questioning authority and learning not to think for yourself
- How to demean a religion and its followers in a devious way
- How to include the words “great resolve” in a speech following a terrorist event
- The benefits of a National ID card including a 10% discount on socks at your local BHS outlet
- 3 Easy ways to sell out completely – for the mainstream media
- The Freedom to vote (for pre-selected candidates)
- The use of Depleted Uranium (DU) Bombs and its related health benefits
- Committing Torture – An effective form of stress relief for our military.
- Human rights and other fallacies
- What climate change?
- Play your part in promoting Globalism, (you know you want to!)
- Trust no one but your government
- Why Billionaires are good for the economy
- How extremely rich musicians can help extremely rich G8 leaders pretend to care about ending world hunger

Price: Free (including frisking and man-handling)

Order your copy today!
[ Selected for Oprah’s Book of the Month Club]

AL QAEDA STRIKES AGAIN!

2005-07-09T13:44:00.000+04:00

We were all feeling so good about doing something positive for a change by watching the Live8 concerts, in support of the Make Poverty History campaign, where internationally celebrated stars like Madonna, adorned in diamond studded jewelry, reminded us of how revoltingly rich artists like herself, are so deeply concerned about the subject of global poverty. She truly felt the pain, as evidenced by the amount of profanity she used during this live television performance.

And as our collective attentions were diverted towards such noble causes as dropping the debt of the world's poorest nations, increasing and improving aid, and negotiating fairer trade rules in the interest of poorer countries, the ubiquitous Al Qaeda struck once again to basically scare the living crap out all of us. We have been reminded once again of the ‘real’ issue that we should all be concentrating on; the global terrorist threat of ‘islamic extremism’ represented by the Al Qaeda Network Inc. and its official ‘Sleeper Cell' partners. They can strike anywhere and at anytime, like a US led invasion of an oil rich sovereign nation under false pretenses.

This time again, we were all caught unawares. The incident as described by the first associated press report happened thus: “GLENEAGLES, Scotland - President Bush collided with a local police officer and fell during a bike ride on the grounds of the Gleneagles golf resort while attending a meeting of world leaders Wednesday.”

Needless to say but we were all horrified to hear that such a devastating incident has happened again, after he had made headlines only last year when he fell off his bicycle and scraped his knee. I think it is fair to say that majority of us knew that it was Al Qaeda behind this devious plot to disrupt the presidential transportation system (bike) and injure not only the president but also innocent people (the poor police officer who Bush slammed into while admiring the scenery). As a result of this accident, transportation systems in all major cities have been put on High Alert.

It was additionally reported that Bush was wearing a helmet at the time, so luckily he did not suffer any injuries to his scrotum.

Initial intelligence reports sourcing an undeniably solid piece of evidence (a post on web site) confirmed that this was the work of the scheming ‘Secret Organization of Al Qaeda in Europe and The Outer Hebrides’.

The US president later commented on the attack, “I have great resolve, and I shall recover soon. It is just like learning to ride a bike, once you learn how, you can frequently forget and fall on your ass.”

MEETING MINUTES

2005-06-28T16:32:00.000+04:00

To: The Secretary of Offense
The White House

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

As requested, please find below the minutes from the first meeting held with the insurgents in Iraq.

Meeting with the representatives of
Iraqi Insurgents Association Inc. (IIAI)
Date: 3rd June, 2005
Time: 3pm
Location: Balad

Members-Present:
Representative of Ansar al-Sunna Army
Representative of Islamic Army in Iraq
Representative(s) of the Fairly Pissed-off Iraqi Population In General

Minister of Electricity (absolutely true, I am not making this up)
Senior US Military Officer
Senior US Lack Of Intelligence Officer
Representative of the CIA
Civilian Staff Aide from US Congress
Representative of the American Embassy in Baghdad

Absent: Abu Missing Al Zarkawi and Where's Ossama Bin Lately

Quorum present? Yes

Others Present:

-Paris Hilton (I am making this one up)

Proceedings:

Meeting called to order at 3:00 p.m. by the sound of a loud BANG outside the villa window, with everyone ducking under the table. (Later discovered to be a car back firing).

It was mutually and prematurely agreed to further hold such meetings. The Chair suggested, “Its damn good idea, and gets me out of the house for a change.”

Key Issues Discussed:

-Representatives of the Iraqi Insurgents Association requested a timetable for the US Exit Strategy (from Iraq). The Senior Lack of Intelligence Officer replied, “We don’t have one.” IIAI Representative reiterated the importance of a proper US exit strategy other than the current ‘body bags’ approach to the US personnel leaving Iraq. It was mutually agreed that ‘something must be done’ to address this issue.

- Minister of Electricity enquired about the number of power outages that the IIAI were aware, of other than the daily load-shedding disruption averaging 18 hours. IIAI representative said, “What electricity? We have electricity?”

- The Senior US Military Officer requested the IIAI to address the issue of the daily suicide attacks on the US Military. The IIAI representative requested further information on the subject. (“What do you want me to do about it?”). The Senior Military Officer replied, “Stop it!” The IIAI representatives mutually agreed to “see what we can do about it” and then burst out laughing.

-The Representative of the US Embassy in Baghdad requested the IIAI representatives to return back to their own countries and to “stop the terrorist attacks in Iraq.” The IIAI clarified that majority of the ‘insurgents’ in Iraq are Iraqis themselves and not outsiders. They further suggested the US Embassy representative to “stop believing in your own propaganda and to avoid watching CNN and Fox news as it was definitely taking a toll on his intelligence”. The representative from the US Embassy was flattered by their comment, and said “Thank you for the compliment.”

Other business:

-All parties agreed to have the representative of the CIA attend all future meetings as his contribution of ‘straightening chairs’ was invaluable.

-The Civilian staff aide from the US Congress requested the IIAI to forward a message of goodwill to the US Administration. They courteously replied with a “Sod off and die!”

Assessment of the Meeting:

Went quite well, although the falafel sandwiches left much to be desired.

Meeting adjourned at 3:10 p.m.

A BRIEF ENCOUNTER OF THE PROSTITUTE KIND

2005-06-25T14:18:00.000+04:00

X: Psssst!

Me: Yes?

X: Come closer honey, I won’t bite.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.

X: Do you wanna have some fun, darlin’?

Me: No thanks, I just had some.

X: Oh, c’mon! I can promise you some real hard-core action.

Me: I know, and that’s what I’m afraid of.

X: Hey, I’m desperate. If I don’t get your business, I’ll be in serious trouble.

Me: Why don’t you do something better with your life. Stop demeaning yourself like this. I’m sure you could make a better living.

X: Easy for you to say. You think I like doing what I do? They are people out there who would make my life a living hell, if I stop working the streets.

Me: I’m sorry; I didn’t realize things were so tough for you.

X: You have no idea. I’ve been walking the streets for the last 6 hours and my heels are killing me. I haven’t been able to convince a single guy to come with me.

Me: That is a shame but I’m sorry, I am still not interested.

X: Damn you!!

Me: I have twenty bucks in my wallet. Here, you can have it.

X: I don’t want your charity! I want you to come…

Me: You are wasting your time. I am not bloody interested! Get it?

X: But why?!!

Me: Because I am not from the US, and there is NO way that you, as a US Military Recruiter, can sign me up for your bloody War on Terror, which incidentally, is a complete farce to the majority of sane people of this world. Now fu** off and leave me alone!

SPECIAL OFFER!!

2005-06-22T12:22:00.000+04:00

The latest in designer streamlined Democracies now available only from the House Of Bush (HOB). HOB Democracies are extremely affordable, and specifically fashioned to suit the budget of all Middle Eastern countries. Trade in the ‘stability’ of your country for the latest in our range of customized, sham democracies to fit your growing need for a bleak and dismal future.

Each stylized HOB Democracy comes with its own ‘Election’ kit. It includes US sponsored candidates, a rigged electoral voting system, and a predetermined outcome complete with fraudulent data and statistics.

Take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer, and reap the numerous benefits of a HOB Democracy, which include (but are not limited to):

- The US exploitation of Oil and other rich natural resources
- A takeover of all profitable businesses/industries by the US multinationals
- The establishment of multiple US military bases
- Frequent homegrown and covertly sponsored ‘terrorist’ attacks on the general public
- A steadily rising level of poverty and unemployment
- A dismal level of civil and social amenities
- Total lack of public security
- Limited civil rights
- Lack of real press freedom and establishment of US sponsored media
- A steadily increasing number of human rights abuse cases
- And a government totally subservient to the wants and needs of the US

Please avail this special offer now as HOB Democracies are available for a limited time period only, otherwise the US might decide to invade your country.

Buy now and pay later (with you life, in one easy installment).

For further details, contact Condoleeza Rice on 1800-GET-CONNED.

This offer is not applicable for EU and US sponsored military dictatorship countries.

RESPONSE TO THE DOWNING STREET MEMO

2005-06-19T14:52:00.000+04:00

I apologize for the delay but I’ve been really busy with work but here is a brief response to the memo dated 23rd July, 2002.

SECRET AND STRICTLY PERSONAL -- UK & US EYES ONLY

TO: THE PRIME MINISTER

From: The Olive Ream (TOR)

Date: 19 June, 2005S 007 /05

cc: G.W.B. (Whitehouse)

This record is extremely sensitive. No further copies should be made. It should be shown only to those with a genuine need to know its contents and rest of the English speaking world.

I have summarized your intelligence (or lack thereof) as follows:

I always knew that the invasion of Iraq was an unjustified act of oppression by the Coalition Of The Willing-to-kill-innocent-people-and-to-devestate-a-nation-by-stealing-its-wealth-and-dignity.

Revelations in the Downing Street Memo have only helped further cement your image as the sycophantic, daft git. The sun HAS set on the British Empire so get over it! Aligning yourself with the fanatical and misled US government is not going to get it back for you. Neither is the US sponsored New World (Dis-)Order going to turn out the way it is envisioned. The amount of intelligence required to create and maintain a global empire is currently severely lacking among the residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and 10 Downing Street. Get over yourselves immediately!

Your avarice has lead to destruction and loss of innocent life and you ought to be held accountable for your crimes against humanity. You tried all means to justify your illegal actions but the people know you lied about Iraq. Now, the US is busy forging its evidence against Syria and Iran and (I am sure) your government is circulating new memos on how to prostitute itself for Washington in its future military endeavors in other Middle Eastern countries.

By the way the ‘War on Terror’ is as real as an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, so quit promoting it. It has only resulted in the deaths of more innocent people and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Finally, instead of contributing towards an unprecedented trillion dollar Global military budget, use your money more wisely like funding stem cell research. May be you will be able to grow a spine for yourself and a brain for George W. Bush.

Love and kisses,

The Olive Ream

UNIVERSAL ADVERSARY - COMING SOON(?)

2005-06-12T11:48:00.000+04:00

The Homeland Security Council in association with the Department of Homeland Security present THE UNIVERSAL ADVERSARY. First, there were Commies, and then came the Terrorists, followed closely by the Enemy Combatants, and now comes the most frightening evil antagonist the world has ever known; the Universal Adversary (UA).

This horror masterpiece reveals 15 possible terrorist scenarios of the most frightening, sweat pouring, gut wrenching and bowel-moving nature, where the audience is left guessing as to the real identity of the villain. As explained by the creators, “Because the attacks could be caused by foreign terrorists; domestic radical groups; state-sponsored adversaries; or in some cases, disgruntled employees, the perpetrator has been named, the Universal Adversary (UA).”

What is most frightening about these scenarios is that all the ‘action’ happens after the terrorist incident has taken place. As described by the storytellers, “The focus of the scenarios is on response capabilities and needs, not threat-based prevention activities.”
How bloody horrifying is that?
------
Genres: Suspense/Horror

Running Time: Much longer than one would expect.

Release Date: Not known (but wide)

MPAA Rating: R for strong violence and gore, disturbing images and language.

PRE-RELEASE SCREENING - CRITICS REVIEWS

“…I think I suffered a coronary…” Washington Post

“…I want my mommy!” Boston Globe

“ …Definitely requires a box of tissues and a clean pair of underwear.” New York Post

“…I wet myself in the first four minutes, I was so scared.” Bill O’Reilly – Fox News

“…Well, don’t look at me. I didn’t do it!” O. B. Laden – Stroked Beard Gazette

SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE

2005-06-10T12:00:00.000+04:00

I have received some complaints from readers regarding the content of my blog. They feel that I tend to concentrate on the negative and my posts are far too critical of the current US administration. I am humbled by the critique and do not take umbrage even though the comments were not worded quite as politely as mentioned above.

To address your concerns, I have decided to list all the positive changes that have taken place as a result of George W. Bush becoming president of the United States.

He has helped me achieve a personal goal; I have finally managed to write the shortest article for this blog.

REALITY OFFENDS

2005-06-08T11:38:00.000+04:00

Majority of the mainstream music these days is insufferable, contemptuous and irrelevant. Want proof? Watch MTV sometime. It is the epitome of western cultural decay and apathy. I realize that I am generalizing and not all music aired on that channel is bad, but majority of the content of this Music Television Network is bloody awful.

Considering these rather gloomy times we live in, where the only remaining superpower is controlled by neo-fascists who are hell bent on global dominance, one would expect to hear many songs of protest and anger against the establishment. They are plenty of subject matters to choose from, courtesy the US government, but majority of these so-called artists are too self-obsessed or money hungry to come up with any relevant content for their songs that is reflective of our times. Apart from a few of the current crop of musicians, the rest of these rock and rollers are unconcerned with what is happening around the world, at least that is the impression one gets.

When it comes to using profanity, promoting sexual deviance, or demeaning faith, they are the first ones to fight for the right to free speech and are unwilling to comprise their artistic integrity. So what happens to their courage when their government lies to invade other countries and murders thousands of innocent people? I guess the US foreign policy is least of your concerns, when you are busy working on hits like Get Your Booty on the Dance Floor. I don’t expect the likes of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Justin Timberlake to wax lyrical about what ails the world, but the sexagenarian rockers like Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and the like, who have more money than most third world countries, ought to grow some testicles and sing a few protest songs for a change.

It is a sad indictment of our times when majority of the artistic voices are muted in the face of blatant western government hypocrisy and belligerence. These musicians have the means and a large fan base to accent their dissent and question authority but apparently they are too busy buying their eighth Ferrari, launching their own line of ridiculously priced merchandise that no one really needs or appearing on Oprah to candidly discuss their fourth failed marriage.

These are the same people who will now jump at the chance to be part of the line-up of artists who will perform for the Live 8 concerts, organized by Bob Geldof. It so nice of Bob to organize such events every twenty years so these artists can sleep comfortably in their beds at night knowing that they have done their required bit of philanthropy to end world hunger. Bastards!

I think it appropriate to end with lyrics from a song called ‘The Century Ends’ by David Gray (a real artist/musician in my view). Although he wrote this song for an album that was originally released in 1993, his words are particularly relevant now than ever before.

THE CENTURY ENDS - By David Gray

Try to focus on it all
Find a spirit of resistance
Instead of pride before the fall
Forge some opposition
From disparate strands
It ain't the prettiest position
As a century ends

Unstable situation
Faces made of wax
Streams of melting glass
Sheets of butchered facts
The roar of the machine
Hooded hearts and jewelled hands
And anger spilling out like gasoline
As a century ends

Everything I seen, everything that I heard
It ain't even the top of the iceberg
Fire down memory lane
So pass me my rose tinted glasses again

Through a fog of contradiction
Out to the lake of tears
See society admiring it's own reflection
Chase a light that shines and disappears
Careful what you say, 'cause reality offends
Just sit back and let your soul decay
As a century ends

And it's easy to get weary
As you fight to get it done
Against a popular theory
That it's over before it's even begun
Strain the limit of compassion
Tend a wound that never mends
And honesty still out of fashion
As a century ends

THE MULLAH RUSE

2005-06-04T12:09:00.000+04:00

Welcome to the Mullah Ruse. A burlesque cabaret for the new millennium, specifically designed, choreographed and produced by the global elitists, for the sordid pleasure of non-thinking, short-attention-spanned world audience.

In this show, the battle of Good vs. Evil is presented in spectacular song and dance routines, but with a primary aim of demonizing Islam and its followers. With a superb lineup of performers ranging from the fanatical religious lunatics with beards (the Mullahs) to the fanatical religious lunatics without beards (the Neocons). The concept, you will agree, is rather novel.

Pre-production involved the precise selection and nurturing of Muslim religious extremists who have completely skewed perception of their own religion. These are men who suffer from total ignorance, severe inferiority complex and archaic cultural norms. They exploited their own religion (Islam) to gain power and importance within their society, and now present their most horrifying and misguided view of Islam to the rest of the world by performing twice nightly in this risqué floorshow. How ironic that the idiots who exploit their own religion, are now being exploited themselves in helping to demean Islam.

Majority of the moderate mullahs and Muslim scholars who represent the real Islam, were refused audition to this show by the producers.

The other group of religious nut-bar extremists, in this contemporary live 'staged' event, are the Neocons. They represent the forces of Good and our in a continuous battle with the Mullahs to spread justice and freedom in primarily oil producing, Muslim countries. It is not surprising though that the Neocon performers are also the producers of this show.

The intended purpose of the show is to educate (brainwash) the audience while providing them with raunchy entertainment of a chorus line of hairy legs and long flowing beards. The idea here is to leave the theatre in a constant fear of your life from evil mullahs whose names include either ‘Bin’ or ‘Abu’ in the title.

The show’s popularity has exceeded expectations and the producers are promising new acts for the coming months, with performers from both Iran and Syria. As always, the performances will be aired on BBC, CNN, Fox News and all other major networks.

For those wishing to see the show live in the theatre, the price of admission is your own life. For those viewing on television it will only cost you your soul.

QA WITH SM AT THE WH

2005-06-01T13:03:00.000+04:00

What is presented below is my version of a typical Q & A session with Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary. Although this is a work of fiction, some of the bizarre responses by SM and the president are actually real. Check the footnotes for verification.

SM: Looks like we have a good group here tonight. I’ll go straight to the questions. Yes?

Q: What is the official response to the recent Amnesty International report accusing senior US officials of approving torture in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and other prisons?

SM: The charges are unsupported by the facts. (1)

Q: What facts are those?

SM: The fact that they never checked with the White House first before issuing their report; the fact that Amnesty based its report on statements by ex-detainees and other verified and credible news reports; and the fact that most of the officials in question were not even aware they would be blamed for the tortures they approved.

Q: So you admit they are guilty.

SM: I never said that!

Q: Scott, what planet are you from?

SM: What?!

Q: Never mind. What is the Administration planning to do about the mess in Iraq?

SM: The US is there by invitation. (2)

Q: Oh, really? Exactly by whose invitation did the US invade Iraq and murder 100,000 plus people?

SM: What I mean is the US is currently there because of the request of the democratically elected government in Iraq.

Q: And they requested the US to create conditions of civil war?

SM: Those conditions have been created by the insurgents, outsurgents, and the somewhere-in-between-surgents! The US is only responsible for providing the necessary equipment and training to the Iraqi police force to maintain peace and order.

Q: That must be why most of the troops and Iraqi personnel drive around in vehicles with no armor plating and the number of suicide bombings have increased of the last few months.

SM: Exactly!

Q: You don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, do you Scott?

SM: Not exactly, no.

Q: Could you please explain to us the logic behind the US decision to weaponize space.

SM: Sure. The president believes that this is a crucial step in spreading democracy and freedom. The whole idea behind this specific star wars program is to destroy all extremist, Ossama-supporting terrorist satellites circling the earth.

Q: And which ones are those?

SM: All the ones not owned and controlled by the US military.

Q: What is the president’s response to the recent Amnesty Internal report?

SM: The president believes that charges are absurd. He said that the terrorists are trained to lie to humanitarian and civil rights groups. (3)

Q: Are they also trained to torture themselves in inhumane ways, and murder themselves in some cases?

SM: I think we have discussed this issue enough, I’d rather you move on to another question.

Q: Fine. Where’s Jeff Gannon?

SM: I’m sorry, that is all the time we have for today. Thank you all for coming.

-----

1- This is an actual quote from McClellan, as quoted by Bob Dart in his article dated 05/26/05. You can find it here.

2- Helen Thomas, during a press briefing (05/25/05), nailed McClellan to the wall. The actual exchange is a lot funnier than anything that I could come up with. You can see it here.

3- This is a quote from George Bush, which I incorporated into this article. It is from an article by Liza Porteus dated 05/31/05. You can see it here.

STOP THE PLANET, I WANT TO GET OFF!

2005-05-28T12:28:00.000+04:00

This can’t be happening.

It’s like watching a badly directed, R-rated, Arnold-starring, big budget Hollywood film, except that it has no foreseeable end and you can’t walk out the cinema hall because they have you tied to your seat and your eyelids are stretched open and taped to your forehead. The whole experience is making you unbearably nauseous but you are shocked that apart from a few people who are violently vomiting in their respective buckets of buttered popcorn, the rest of the audience is cheering on and applauding the insufferable git who happens to be the hero of this horrid movie. I understand 'willing suspension of disbelief' but this piece of tripe requires you to be on a bad acid trip in order to appreciate it.

What the bejesus am I on about? I am talking about these unbelievably incomprehensible and increasingly intolerable policies of the US superpower. The geniuses that brought you the US Patriot Acts, the Afghanistan invasion and Iraq war, (and all related ghastly consequences,) have taken another definitive step towards total insanity; the weaponization of space.

What a superbly brilliant idea! I mean, since the war on terror (in Afghanistan and Iraq) has gone so smoothly, with such surgical precision that there has been no loss of innocent human life, it is logical to take the next appropriate step and float some bombs into space. I for one, feel totally safe, don’t you? You should, and I’ll tell you why. While you were busy watching highly intellectual reality TV shows, the US has quietly put into place contingency plans for pre-emptive nuclear strikes on Iran and North Korea. That’s right, the Nuclear First-Strike Policy is now operational. Hurray!! Feeling secure now? I thought so.

Now just imagine the procreation of these two sexy policies and you can assuredly expect a lovely bastard child of consequence in the near future. “Sorry about that. We were intending to hit Iran but the massive solar radiation storm fried the circuits in our Nuclear-Armed satellite and we accidentally obliterated most of Azerbaijan. Oops!”

NASA’s Near Earth Object Program is spending millions of dollars trying to detect objects in outer space on a possible collision course to destroy the earth. For twenty-five cents, I could tell them to focus their search on DC to find the biggest threat to our planet.

THE NEOCON CREED

2005-05-22T13:44:00.000+04:00

We have received a large number of queries from individuals and organizations from across the globe, asking us very specific and pertinent questions, (“what the f**k are you guys doing?”, “Are you guys out of your f**king minds!?”, “who the f**k do you think you are?”), regarding our current national and international policies.

Provided below, is the key doctrine that we follow, as detailed in our Holy book, A Neocon’s Guide For Global Domination And Other Short Stories. Hopefully, these will address most, if not all, your concerns regarding “what the f**k we are up to”.
---------------------
Thy ultimate goal is global domination, and in order to ensure that thou achieve this goal in a relatively short period of time, the following creed must be abided by at all times.

1. We, the Mighty Neocons, are the chosen people and rulers of the earth. All others shall be known as Lesser Mortals.

2. Thou shall covet the natural resources of all other countries. Be it rich oil fields or a tray of Grade AAA, extra large eggs.

3. Thou shall destroy anything or anyone that keeps you from achieving Tenet no. 2, (and we are not talking about George).

4. For countries not rich in natural reserves, covet them anyway, who knows thouest might want to build a military base there one day.

5. Thou shall and must control all media outlets, unless owned by Rupert Murdoch. He’s a supreme Neocon, and expert in sponsoring our propaganda. Contact him if thou needs any advise regarding promoting shite.

6. Thou shall always support totalitarian regimes as part of thy system, as long as they support thy goals. Once thy goals have been achieved, expel them from thy system immediately like a bad case of diarrhea.

7. Thou shall apply the same rule (as Tenet no. 6) for exploiting terrorists.

8. Thou shall routinely use fake terrorist threats to covet riches, destroy thine enemy, and more specifically, scare the living s**t out of the Lesser Mortals.

9. Thou shall always pretend to be tolerant of other religions, while demeaning Islam and its followers, by various covert means.

10. Thou shall build a new stockpile of WMDs for thyself every fortnight, while hunting for nonexistent WMDs in other countries.

11. Thou shall never talk about the Fight Club. (We don’t want the Lesser Mortals to know about that film, or they might get ideas, if thou knowest what we mean).

12. Thou shall lie through your teeth, (or even dentures), whenever an opportunity arises.

13. Thou shall deny everything, if ever prosecuted with a truckload of existing evidence against your wrongdoings.

14. That reminds us, thou shall destroy all existing evidence against thyself forthwith.

Here endth thy lesson. Be well and Godspeed (80 MPH).

WELCOME TO PAX AMERICANA

2005-05-17T10:19:00.000+04:00

Server: Welcome to Pax Americana. My name is George and I will be your server this evening.

Me: Hi George. May I see the menu?

Server: Sure, here you go.

Me: Thank you.

Server: So, what would you like this evening?

Me: Could you give me a minute to look through the menu?

Server: No problem, take your time. Our specials for today are WMD Stockpiles in Oregano Vinaigrette and Roasted Terrorists with Pomegranate Sauce.

Me: Thanks! But I’d rather read from the menu and….

Server: The chef recommends the War On Terror with Tomatoes and Mint Dressing. It is absolutely delicious!

Me: Well, I tried that the last time and I found that the War On Terror is a little difficult for me to swallow. Can you recommend something light?

Server: Alright. Let’s see…. We have a mouthwatering Spicy Axis Of Evil and Broad Bean Soup.

Me: Hmm…sounds tempting, but I’m afraid Axis of Evil might cause me flatulence as it sounds like a lot of hot air.

Server: I would also recommend our appetizing Iran’s Nuclear Threat with Goats Cheese and Tarragon.

Me: That sounds a bit too unbelievable for my taste. Maybe, I’ll just have a grilled cheese sandwich.

Server: Would you like Lies with that?

Me: No thanks; the sandwich will be just fine.

Server: But sir, all our meals come with Lies, and there’s no extra charge.

Me: Sorry but no! The Lies make me nauseous and I find them quite disgusting.

Server: May I also suggest our new dessert with your meal, a delectable slice of Democracy & Freedom Cake with Almond Cream.

Me: I’m sure others might feel it is worth dying for, or more appropriately, worth killing for but I certainly don’t think so. I think I just lost my appetite. I don't need anything right now so I’m just going to leave.

Server: Oh, no! That’s a darn shame. Well, maybe you will come back another time.

Me: Not blood likely!

THE INTERVIEW

2005-05-15T12:36:00.000+04:00

After several months of scratching backs, twisting arms, and fiddling with knobs, I was finally granted this world exclusive interview with a US Media Whore. To ensure absolute anonymity of the interviewee, he will be referred to as Midnight Cowboy (MC) in this article.

OR: So, let’s just get straight into it, shall we? When did you start prostituting yourself?

MC: Well, it wasn’t a childhood ambition, if that’s what you think. For me personally, it happened during the Iraq war.

OR: You mean the US invasion of Iraq? What happened?

MC: I got caught in the crossfire, and I …… I lost my testicles.

OR: But I thought you were embedded with the US military.

MC: Yes I was but I became a victim of friendly fire.

OR: So, how did that change you?

MC: I was scared at first, so I pretty much confined myself to reporting from inside the tank. The troops used to tell me what they saw outside and I would report that back to the network. But then I realized that due to the accident, I fortunately had suffered a complete loss of conscience, so as a result reporting became a lot easier for me.

OR: How?

MC: Well, it was difficult at times to report what even the US soldiers were seeing, as they did see a lot of destruction and loss of civilian life. So then, I just started reporting directly from the daily feeds from Centcom in Qatar and didn’t even bother leaving my hotel room.

OR: Were you paid well for selling yourself?

MC: Working for the network was good money but I knew with my talent, I could make a lot more. So I packed up my gear, and head back home, where I started prostituting myself within Washington circles. Hell of lot of big clients in DC, you know.

OR: Who was your best client?

MC: There’s so much competition between us media whores but I still managed to bag the White House.

OR: So how did that work out for you?

MC: It was the best. At first, I’d just submit my articles on weekends and they would edit the articles and return them back for publication. But then, over months our mutual attraction for each other grew. After a while, I wouldn’t even write the articles. They would just send them to me and all I had to do was to sign my name on it and submit them to the various publications they had recommended. Easy money!

OR: Are you still in the business?

MC: Of course! Who wouldn’t be with all this money they throw at you. Hey, I just supply what’s in demand. I’ve moved back though, from print media to television. Now, I’m getting paid large amounts of money, for whoring on a weekly news show. And the best part is, I am now a celebrity. People love me!

OR: Are there others like you?

MC: Hell ya! The country is full of them. Nearly every journalist here is prostituting for a quick buck. The only self-righteous nuts that are reporting the truth are the freelancers and bloggers on the Internet. What a bunch of losers! They think they can reverse the trend but us media whores are here to stay! There’s a permanent demand for sluts like us.

OR: Finally, do you have any message for our readers out there?

MC: Yeah, I’d just like to say that ‘media whoring’ is a legitimate profession and everyone needs to accept that fact. I am sick and tired of people complaining about the sorry state of journalism in the US media. Hey, get this through your thick skulls, this has been happening for many, many years. It is only in the last five years, that it has finally reached its peak. And for your information, it will stay there! Remember, this is the oldest profession in the world, and the current mainstream trend.

OR: What? Prostitution?

MC: No. Selling your soul to the devil.

BLOG DISCLAIMER & FAQS

2005-05-14T11:28:00.000+04:00

Disclaimer:

This blog is rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence action and some language. Parents are strongly cautioned. Some material will not be suitable for children under 13 and Bush supporters.

Blog Side effects: Some readers may experience Fatigue, Drowsiness, Nausea, Blurred Vision, Slurred Speech, Tremors, Euphoria, Impairment of Memory, Confusion, Depression, Constipation, Skin Rash, Generalized Exfoliative Dermatitis, Changes in Libido and Loss of Appetite.

The mentioned side effects remain for a short duration of time. However if you feel that they persist for a long period, please view the Fox channel immediately.

FAQs

Writing for this blog has been my first attempt at writing something that has been read by others. I appreciate the fact that a lot of you have actually taken the time out to email me your comments and I thank you for it. The response has been overwhelming but I just wished the messages had not contained so much profanity.

Before I get any more emails regarding the content of this site, let me address your concerns and answer some of your Future Annoying Questions (FAQs).

I am the sole author for the drivel on this site, even though the voices in my head tell me otherwise.
As to the style of my writing, I never knew I had one.
I am aware that my posts might be grammatically incorrect but I think it would be more appropriate to ask me if I give a sh*t. And here’s a ; to prove my point.
No, I am not an American, but I might play one on TV for large amounts of cash.
Yes, I am aware that Big Brother is watching and he is a bloody voyeuristic pervert and no, I will not stop posting to my blog.
No, I do not believe there’s a New World Order but I do believe in the existence of a New World Disorder.
Yes, I do like receiving compliments regarding my blog, but I much prefer wire transfers directly to my Swiss bank account.
No, I do not support Bush or Blair as they don’t play well with others. My mother warned me about people like them. She said, “Son, beware the minions of the antichrist, for they are quite thick and gittish.” I believe she was talking about them.
No, I am not very familiar with star signs, but I think I am ‘Vegetarius’.
Yes, there was a specific aim for starting this blog. It was to use the word ‘lugubrious’ in a sentence, and I think I just achieved my aim. Hurray!
Finally, for the genius that has emailed me asking for my email address, please seek professional help. In case you can’t afford it, here’s my email address again:

over underscore email at yahoo dot com

PAY ATTENTION DAMMIT!

2005-05-11T12:54:00.000+04:00

Rumsfeld: Pay attention Dammit! Now then, these are the photos of possible Al Qaeda terrorists we are looking for. Anyone seen ´em? Anyone? No? Our intelligence indicates that these guys are about to conduct another terrorist attack....very soon, as a matter of fact.

US: What?!! Another attack? How do you know?

Rumsfeld: What do you mean, how do we know? Aren’t we showing you the photos? What more proof do you need?

US: Yes, but you said you are looking for them.

Rumsfeld: That is correct.

US: Well, if you don’t know where they are, then how can you claim they are planning another attack?

Rumsfeld: What?

US: You heard us! How do you know they are planning another attack? Besides, two people in these photos are already in your custody. How can that be?

Rumsfeld: What?! Are they? Who said?

US: The alternate press reported that based on the administrations earlier claim.

Rumsfeld: Well, who are you going to believe, me or the administration?

US: What?

Rumsfeld: uh, I mean, who are you going to believe, me or the press.

US: So, if there is another attack imminent, that you are so sure of, how come the threat level is still YELLOW?

Rumsfeld: Is it? Well, it is meant to be ORANGE. Don’t worry it will be changed tomorrow.

Chertoff: No, it is not!

US: What?

Rumsfeld: Yeah, what?!

Chertoff: The threat level will not change to ORANGE, as we don’t have any credible proof yet regarding another attack.

Rumsfeld: Yes we do! Can’t you see the photos of these terrorists!! That means we have credible proof.

Chertoff: Yeah, well, does it look like I give rat’s ass? The threat level remains at YELLOW!

US: But why?

Chertoff: Cause it matches my tie, that’s why! Anyway, who are you to question me?

US: We are the people you are supposed to be protecting!

Chertoff: Who said? uh…I mean, yeah but don’t worry you’ll be fine. No credible evidence of an attack in the future.

Rumsfeld: LIAR! There’s going to be an attack and we are all going to die!!

Chertoff: We?!!

Rumsfeld: Ha ha! Sorry my bad. Not we, them.

US: You mean us?

Rumsfeld: Yes, who else?

US: But you should be preventing terrorist attacks from happening?

Rumsfeld: What gave you that idea?

US: Holy crap! What the heck is wrong with you guys? We want to speak to the President!

Chertoff: He’s not available. He’s currently busy spreading freedom and democracy in other countries.

Rumsfeld: Yes, and he has to meet the new Pope and let him know that an attack is likely to happen soon, so he better pray for you guys.

US: You know we are getting really pissed off now! Why can’t you do something to help protect us?

Rumsfeld: We are. We are going to attack Iran soon, and then possibly Syria around next Easter.

US: And how will that help us?

Rumsfeld: Well, as the President said, we will 'smoke these buggers out'. We will attack these countries, and they will retaliate by conducting suicide terrorist attacks, and as the attacks will be suicides, they’ll all be dead in the end.

US: But what about us?!!

Rumsfeld: Oh please grow up! We are trying to fight terrorism here!!

-----
Disclaimer: Above is a completely fictional account of a briefing conducted by the DOD and DHS. Oddly enough, it seems quite real to me.

STAR WARS – EPISODE VII

2005-05-10T15:14:00.000+04:00

With the release of the third, (and what was considered to be the final), installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, come surreptitious mutterings from inside the Lucas camp for yet another Star Wars movie. Upon further investigation (talking to my cousin, who happens to be an ardent fan of SW) I am delighted to report that there will be an Episode VII coming out in 2008. For the fans, this news will cause great excitement and would result in synchronous leakages of various bodily fluids.

Details are sketchy as to the storyline but an insider (Security Guard in my office building) revealed that the proposed title for the next SW movie is, The Sith Returnth To Spread Freedom & Democracy. What has been revealed so far, are the new, main characters in Episode VII.

Gongonapier: An alien from the suburbs of the Prat Galaxy. Looks like Paul Wolfowitz in drag, and possess the personality of gnat. He is the Chairman of the Communion Of Nasty, Nefariously Evil Darths (CONNED), and is a freelance prostitute on weekends and public holidays.

Darth Fart: A flatulent git and the sole beneficiary of the Emperor’s fast food franchise. A gold medallist of the Light Saber competition in 4085 Olympics, he was awarded an Honorary Doctorate, for his work in promoting the Dark Side of The Force, at the young age of 14. Known also as Lord Wind, he commands the CONNED fleet, and is a member of secret society called Cranium and Carcass.

Billy Bob Skywalker: The bastard child of Luke Skywalker, he is the main protagonist of the film. The force is not with him but he owns a yellow light saber, and has a white belt in Karate. He use to be a rabid drug user before he joined the rebellion, but now is a member of fanatical religious group the White Crusaders. He leads the rebellion via Internet, as he lacks the IQ and the courage to join the rebel forces. He also has two front teeth missing.

Paris Hilton is the only cast member selected so far. She will be playing herself and the female lead in the movie, as George Lucas believes that she is already from another planet.

Pre-production work has already commenced on the film, as George has confined himself to watching only Fox news, (for inspiration), to come up with an over-the-top and out-of-this-world script.

CONCERT REVIEW

2005-05-08T14:57:00.000+04:00

BUSH - FREEDOM TOUR
MAASTRICHT, Netherlands

Considered to be this year’s best live act, Bush – The Freedom Tour, is pulling in large number of audiences all across Europe. His latest stop was at the venue in Netherlands. Thousands of adoring fans had lined up for hours, in the pouring rain, to buy the tickets to see this special performance. Needless to say, Bush did not disappoint. The crowds were left screaming, and cheering, as he belted out hits after hits from his latest album, Freedom - you know you want it!

The impressive 90-minute performance from this five-octave vocal range superstar was his best live performance yet. Accompanying Bush were his immensely talented Neocon Band members, with Rumsfeld on drums, Rice on bass, Cheney on lead guitar and band lyricist Wolfowitz playing the tambourines. The band rocked the venue, with hits like:

- Democracy this and freedom that
- Evil-doers but I certainly don’t
- Where’s Ossama bin lately?
- After I-raq and I-ran to you
- Kim Jung il but I’m doing fine

The crowd could not get enough of Bush & the Neocons, so the band returned for an encore, performing an extended cover version of Public Enemy’s classic hit, ‘911 is a joke in yo town’.

Bush’s next stop is Moscow, where he is scheduled to perform on Monday’s Red Square victory celebration.

Concert rating: ***1/2

THE RETURN OF THE TOMB RAIDER

2005-05-07T14:54:00.000+04:00

Hollywood star and UN goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie met with President Gen. Musharaf at his office in the capital Islamabad, to discuss the fate of millions of Afghan refugees currently residing in Pakistan.

Musharaf: Welcome to you, Miss Jolly!

Jolie: Thank you Mr. President, and its ‘Jolie’ not Jolly.

Musharaf: Oh! I’m sorry, Ms. Jolie. Must have been a typo on my daily briefings. I’ll have my secretary shot immediately.

Jolie: Oh no! that’s not necessary!

Musharaf: Just kidding with you, Miss Jolie.

Jolie: Mr. President, I wanted you to know that UN is very grateful to Pakistan for playing host to the millions of Afghan refugees. The plight and the welfare of these refugees is a matter of utmost importance to the UNHCR.

Musharaf: Believe me Miss Jolie, when I tell you that this ISSHOO is very close to my heart as well and…

Shuakat: (from behind the sofa): And mine!!

Musharaf: Holy Shrine! Mr. Aziz, what are you doing here?!

Jolie: Hello Prime Minister, nice to see you again.

Shuakat: Hi Angelina. I just thought I’d be present in this meeting to help you reiterate the importance of the Afghan Refugee issue.

Musharaf: Yeah right! We all know why you are here Shaukat, so cut the crap!

Musharaf: So, as I was saying, I believe that UNHCR should…

Jolie: EEEEAAAHH!!

Musharaf: What’s the matter, Miss Jolie?

Jolie: There’s someone behind the curtain.

Musharaf: Come out at once, whoever you are.

Sherpao: Hello Angelina! I thought I’d be present as well during this meeting as the Afghan Refugee issue is of grave concern to my family members and me.

Musharaf: Miss Jolie, let me introduce to our Interior Minister, Mr. Aftab Sherpao.

Jolie: We’ve met already. I had meeting with him earlier today.

Musharaf: Oh you have, have you?

Sherpao: Yes, but we never finished our conversation. I have a lot more information on the subject of Afghan refugees…

Musharaf: Shut up and go sit over there.

Musharaf: Now, before I start, are there any other persons hiding in this room that I should know about.

Shaukat: No.

Sherpao: None.

Jolie: Not that I am aware of.

Rashid (from under Musharaf’s desk): Yes!

Musharaf: Whooaa!! Who’s under there? Get out, now!

Rashid: Ms. Angelina, I am Shiekh Rashid. Slamaalekum! I am the Federal Minister of Information and Broadcasting, and I am an Afghani Refugee.

Musharaf: What?!

Rashid: Uh, I mean, I have all the information on Afghani Refugees you will ever need to know or broadcast.

Jolie: Pleased to meet you.

Rashid: Really?!

Musharaf: Sheikh saab, mouth shut! Go stand in the corner.

Musharaf: So, Miss Jolie, as I originally intended to say, I think it would be appropriate that UNHCR maintained refugee camps should be relocated to areas within Afghanistan and…

Rashid: Angelina, they are saying that, you are having one affair with Brad Pitt?

Musharaf: Rashid, shut it!

Angelina: Mr. President, I agree with you that the camps ought to be stationed inside Afghanistan. The UN is certainly grateful that Pakistan has for so many years helped the refugees in…

Rashid: Ms. Jolie, can I get one autograph for my nephew?

Jolie: Sure, what’s his name?

Rashid: Just make it out to ‘ my beloved Sheikh Rashid'

Musharaf: That’s it! I’ve had enough! Ms. Jolie, I think it would be appropriate if we carry on our conversation at my residence. We can have a spot of lunch as well.

Shaukat, Sherpao and Rashid (in unison): Can we come?

Musharaf: NO! It will just be Miss Jolie and me….. and of course, Mrs. Musharaf and her bridge club.

DIPLOMACY INACTION

2005-05-04T12:54:00.000+04:00

W. H. Operator: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. President. But there is an urgent, person-to-person collect call for you from overseas. Will you accept the charges?

Bush: Who is it?

W. H. Operator: It’s Kim, sir.

Bush: Kim? …. Oh, yeah! She used to be a member of my cheerleading squad, back in my Yale days. Sure, I’ll accept the charges.

Kim: Herro?

Bush: Kim darlin’, how the heck are ya?

Kim: Bush, it’s me. Kim Jong il.

Bush: ill? Why, what’s wrong? Your voice does sounds a bit weird.

Kim: No, you clazy foor! I am Kim Jong Il, Reader of the Democlatic Peopres Lepubric of Kolea.

Bush: What?! Had I known it was you, I would have never accepted the charges. You are the President of the Axis Of Evil club!

Kim: I’m not onry the plesident, but I’m arso a crient!

Bush: Cut the crap Kim! What’s the problem?

Kim: The plobrem is your Lice.

Bush: But Laura had me deloused just last week.

Kim: No you idiot, I mean Condarisa Lice!

Bush: Oh, Rice! What about her?

Kim: Why she thleatning Norf Kolea?

Bush: Why are you testing missiles? Isn’t that a threat to world peace?

Kim: That test was necessaly. We show you we can plotect flom any attack on Homerand.

Bush: Our intelligence tells us that you are preparing a nookular test site.

Kim: You have no interrigence, …you….you stupid! Haha!

Bush: Watch your mouth, Kim. You better not misunderestimate our strength. We have great resolve, and we will teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget.

Kim: What resson? I folget arleady!

Bush: If you don’t watch yourself, we will…..we will…

Kim: You wirr what?

Bush: We will attack I-ran! We will hit them so hard, that you’ll feel it.

Kim: Yeah light! You chicken. You don’t mess with Norf Kolea, because you know we leady fol you anytime, big boy!

Bush: Shut the heck up, four eyes! You and your stupid haircut can kiss my Texas ass! .... Jerk!

Kim: Plick!

Bush: Evil Do-er!

Kim: Asshore! (click).

RADIO DAYS

2005-05-03T12:49:00.000+04:00

During my university days in Pennsylvania, I applied for job to host a weekly 1 hour show on a public radio station. I remember the excitement of waiting to receive my licence, expecting it to look like an FBI badge; a leather-cased ID with my photo, signature and printed in big bold letters would be the letters PRDJ (Public Radio Disc Jockey). Flashing this licence in front of unsuspecting 18-year-old female students would cause them to swoon and fall at my feet.

My dream was shattered when the station manager handed me my licence. It was nothing like I had imagined. It was a wrinkly, old, yellow piece of paper, with my name misspelled in blank ink. What a jib! The local FCC office must have hired kindergarteners to make this crap. But I guess I had no reason to complain as I hadn’t paid jack for it (and obviously jack wasn’t too happy about that).

Mind you, the test to qualify as a public radio DJ was a fairly difficult process.

Station Manager: Who wants to be a DJ? We have a 3 pm slot open for Wednesdays.

Me: Me!!

Station Manager: Great, you’re hired. Report back here tomorrow morning for a Voice test.

Me: Shouldn’t that be conducted before someone is hired?

Station Manager: Do you want to be Station Manager?!

The voice test results were surprising to say the least. I know I wasn’t expecting to hear myself sound like James Earl Jones but God Almighty! I sounded like Andy Kaufman speaking through the butt of Gerbil that is trapped inside a canvas bag placed at the bottom of a deep well. I sent my demo tape the head of the Linguistics department at my university, and his best guess was that I was speaking in some ancient form Aramaic, (in reverse).

Following the successful completion of my voice test, I went through a detailed studio orientation program, conducted by the Station Manager.

Station Manager: You see those 8-track looking, blue tapes over there? That is your complete song selection. The other batch of black tapes over there, are your public service announcements. That dial on the console has to be turned up to level 3 before you speak into the microphone. When you’re done speaking turn the dial back down to 0. Play songs throughout the hour; mention the call sign every 10 minutes; play the PS announcements every 15 minutes; report the weather every 30 minutes; read the news headlines every hour. The Swear Words List is pasted above the console, avoid saying them on air, or else the FCC will have your ass. That’s all, good luck with your show!

Me: Yes, but where is the ON switch?

Understandably, the first few shows were a nightmare. I suffered massive coronaries because of the mistakes I made while on Air. The worst of them was Dead Air pauses which happened frequently due to equipment failure, tapes not being rewound, or just simply me forgetting to speak. I had to come up with creative explanations for Dead Air pauses, like the following:

That was my rendition of Simon & Garfunkel’s famous hit, 'The Sound of Silence'.

Playing the bloody public service announcements, every 15 minutes, was a major hindrance to my already disastrous show. The announcements were all so varied from ‘Don’t Drive Drunk’ to other really silly ones like ‘Don’t forget to tie your shoelaces’ or ‘Don’t break wind in public’. And I had to play them all.

One incident caused a serious panic with the Station Manager. I had just finished playing the ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ PS announcement, and I slotted in a Bob Dylan track (which I had not heard before), which included the line “Everybody must get stoned”. And the bastard Dylan just didn’t sing it once, but repeated it 5 times during the song! I had sweated a pint by the end of that show.

Being nervous during the show caused serious memory lapse. I kept forgetting the call sign of the radio station during the shows.

You are listening to Classics Hits on WXRV, ..no sorry, that’s WRXV, Damn! that’s WRVX??….WRVW?…WBMW? Bugger! Bollocks! Merde!

At least I remembered not to use swear words familiar to an American listening audience.

Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck by the end of each show. As a result, my grades fell; I started smoking 3 packs a day, and started drinking heavily. (I couldn't afford alcohol so I drank the next best thing; apple cider past its expiry date). By the fourth week, I was even suffering from serious hair loss. And the few remaining hairs on my head were turning white in their gallant effort to cling on to dear life. I finally realized why the Station Manager was bald.

These damn shows were killing me, so I prayed to the Almighty for a miracle. And the miracle appeared rather expeditiously in the form of Public Radio Demographics for the Williamsport Area. I realized I was doing shows for a total audience of 4, which included a 67-year-old lady, a retired Vietnam vet, the Station Manager’s wife, and her 2-year-old dachshund named Toby.

The shows after that were superb. I did not falter once, and quite enjoyed my weekly radio show. I even got a live request on air for the first time, from a member of the listening audience. It was that 67-year-old lady calling to complain about the revolting music I was playing. Damn! I really miss my DJ-ing days….sigh.

I wish I had collected the recordings of my weekly show before I left the university. The last I heard, I think the Linguistics Department transcribed them for Mel Gibson to use in his script for The Passion of the Christ.

25 YEARS OF CNN

2005-05-02T15:29:00.000+04:00

Has it been that long? It only seems like 24 years and 8 months to me. I for one would like to congratulate CNN for their remarkable news coverage. This channel has been my primary source of entertainment over the years. Seriously, I can’t think of any time that I laugh so hard as when I watch CNN news. No, I lie, I think Fox News has me in splits more often but I digress.

To mark the silver jubilee of this channel, I would like to forward a few suggestions to the network for consideration:

1. Move the CNN HQ from Atlanta to Washington D.C.

2. Divide air-time between two Anchor desks during the hourly news. One Anchor desk to be stationed in the Pentagon, and the other obviously in the White House Briefing room. This is suggested for the convenience of the current administration.

3. CNN abbreviation shall now stand for Compliant to Neocon agenda Network.

4. Hire personable celebrities, (like Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Bruce Willis) to anchor prime time news, as they will appeal to a larger audience, and have the same amount of experience of investigative journalism as the current lot of CNN anchors.

5. Replace the James Earl Jones voice-over “You are watching CNN” with the ones he recorded for Star Wars (as the voice of Darth Vader). The following V.O.s can be played, accompanying the CNN logo visual:

- “You don’t know the power of the dark side” (played in between stories of Al Qaeda/terrorist threat to the US)

- “I find your lack of faith disturbing” (played in between any current Condalisa Rice press conference with international journalists)

- “The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am” (played in between White House Press Secretary briefings, whenever journalists are critical of the President’s policies)

- “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen” (played in between press interviews/briefings with Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Carl Rove or any member of the PNAC).

I sincerely hope these suggested changes are incorporated by CNN in the future. If not, I might switch to Fox news permanently, which happens to be a far superior comedy channel.

TEXAS KICKS ASS!

2005-04-30T10:09:00.000+04:00

For years I kept all my nonsensical rants well hidden within the pages of my personal journal. Then, one fateful august morning, while surfing the net for information on the mating habits of a typical White North American Senator, I quite accidentally, double-clicked myself on to a web site that changed my life forever.

This was no ordinary web site; it was an online journal, more popularly known as a blog, of an individual of North American decent, who had deemed it appropriate to share his daily thoughts and insights with the rest of the world. Although the commentary primarily focused on married life, the blog often swayed towards analysis of the US political scene. I have had the opportunity to read Fisk, Pilger, Said and even Chomsky but I had never come across intellect of this level. Reading the blogger’s words for the first time, not only resulted in considerable hemorrhaging within the most uncultivated regions of my brain but it also caused my unsuspecting rectum to prolapse.

Let me take this opportunity to provide you with a sample of his work:

Monday, April 3rd, 2004

Bitch! …forgot to buy beer again. What the f**k am I gonna to do now? There’s nothin good on tv. I watched the news again last night. What the f**k?! I don’t know what the hell is goin on over there in Irak. I mean we kicked their ass…yeahhh! But how come we’re still there? We should just nuke the place and get the hell out..f**k yeaahhh!

Bitch! ..just because we’ve got 3 kids, she wants me to marry her. I ain’t doin no such thing. I would only end up divorcing her the next day. I think I’ll just have to join the army to get away from her and those damn kids. At least I’ll get my own gun and then I can kill some stuff, f**k yeah!

Unfortunately for us, this blog disappeared after only 23 entries in 8 months of being online. Apparently, it was taken down after the author decided to post nude pictures of his unsuspecting girlfriend, and as a result, got sued by her parents.

In deep respect for the anonymous author and in memory of the “Texas Kicks Ass” Blog, I decided to start my own blog and post my own drivel for the world to read. By the world, I mean people who have access to the internet and who know the address to this blog. More specifically, I mean members of my immediate family who are forced at gunpoint to routinely view this site. F**k yeah!!

A DEAD PARROT

2005-04-26T15:25:00.000+04:00

I always thought Tony Blair was a bit thick, but I now admit that I was wrong in my initial assessment of him. He is more of malingering git, who cannot be bothered to come up with an original thought, even during the fag-end of his re-election campaign. But then again, it is foolish of me to expect him to show some semblance of sanity at this late stage in the game. Maybe he knows something that we don’t.

According to Tony, the attack on Iraq was legal and justified. Yes, well, it would be nice if you visited the planet Earth at least once Mr. Blair, then we’d send you (alone) on a month long vacation in Iraq, so you could actually find out what Iraqis really think of you and thought of your bloody war.

Maybe it is time for Blair to finally pull his tongue out of the back of Bush’s trousers. We all knew George was not adequately furnished in the brain department, but to see Blair turn into such a GW sycophant, speaks volumes about his own intelligence, or lack thereof.

What’s worrying about this demonic duo is their total lack of acceptance of the fact that some of us do not believe their lies no matter how many times they repeat them. It is like watching the shopkeeper from the Python sketch trying to convince us that he hasn’t sold us a dead parrot. “..no, he’s not dead, he’s resting.” Yes, and your war on terror isn’t a joke and we all feel much safer now.

Actually, for most voters, domestic issues are more important than Iraq, which is why Blair seems so confident about winning an unprecedented third-term. It does not matter a jot that he blatantly lied and supported the attack on another country which resulted in the deaths of hundred thousand innocent people. At least he got rid of Saddam, right? A double ‘Phew!’ for that! I mean that nasty ‘evil-doer’ was a major threat to the world, with his massive stockpiles of WMDs and his disturbingly itchy fingers.

So, what can we all expect from Blair if he gets elected for another term? I think more of the same. GW is about to pick a fight with Iran, and most likely Syria, and Blair is already puckering up his lips to kiss the presidential ass to show loyal support for another war on terror. Huzzah!

A VISIT TO THE DHS

2005-04-24T13:33:00.000+04:00

Mike: Welcome to the DHS. Hi, my name is Mike Chertoff and I am the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. As you can imagine, we have strict regulations regarding not allowing any non-DHS personnel to enter into our offices, …which is why I am wondering how the hell you got in?

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, I am Bill O’Reilly from Fox news.

Mike: Oh right! Sorry I didn’t recognize you.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, would it be possible that next time I visit you, I could avoid going through the full security check at the entrance? I mean, I don’t mind the eye-scan, and finger printing but the delousing and the anal probe was pretty harsh.

Mike: Sorry about that, Bill. They made a mistake, the eye-scan and fingerprinting procedures are not meant for Media personnel.

Bill: So, Mike…can I call you Mike?

Mike: No.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, can you tell me about the room we are in.

Mike: Sure. We are currently in the main operations room. This is the heart of the DHS. This is where all the crucial investigative and analytical work gets done. We have civilian and military personnel working…

Bill: Wow! Those are huge video screens on the wall. Awesome! Do you have surround sound with that?

Mike: No. As I was saying we have civilian and military personnel, 57 on this floor alone, each one with their own workstation. All computers are networked to the main intelligence database stationed on the third floor of this building. From here we are able to…

Bill: What’s that on the big screen, over there?

Mike: That’s the map of the United States of America, Bill!

Bill: I knew that. So what are those red dots on the map?

Mike: Each dot on the map indicates a possible terror suspect. We track them by…

Bill: Damn! There’s a lot of those red dots. How many are there,.. about 20?

Mike: 187, Bill.

Bill: Holy Crap! That’s a lot! I think we have to kill them all before they attack us.

Mike: They are classified as suspects for now, so we just track them.

Bill: No! These guys just want to kill us for our freedom, we have to destroy them now!

Mike: Calm down Bill!

Bill: All these guys are here because of Ossama, ..No! they're here because of that other guy, Al karzawi! I bet all these dots are working for him.

Mike: Our intelligence does indicate that Al ZARKAWI might have access to nuclear, biological or chemical weapon. But we don’t know…

Bill: Oh God! … we are all going to die!! We have to hit the alert button to warn the public..I mean, the President!

Mike: Get a grip on yourself man!

Bill: Change the alert level to ‘High’! We are under attack by those flaming red dots!
I want my mommy!!!

Mike: Security, get this man out of here, at once!

Bill: No! I wanna hide in your bunker, please!!!! I don’t wanna die!!

Security: Where do we take him, sir?

Mike: Well, you can’t let him go, in his state of mind. He will create a massive panic in the public. I tell you what, take him to the PNAC head quarters.

Security: Why there, sir?

Mike: ‘cause he’ll fit right in, and nobody will notice the difference.

STEAMED RICE

2005-04-22T18:46:00.000+04:00

They’re all a bunch of bastards! I travel all over the world meeting with these miserable leaders of these godforsaken countries and they just do not seem to appreciate our noble efforts in fighting the war on terror. Single-handedly, I might add!

I am putting in all this effort in spreading the President’s message of democracy and freedom, and what reaction do I get from them? Nothing! There’s just this blank look of “what the hell are you talking about, lady?” And I swear, every time I finish my meeting and leave the room, I can hear them laughing behind my back.

Putin is the worst of the lot. On my recent visit, when I told him that his government was power hungry, and needed to promote press freedom, he just said, “Yeah, right! You ought to talk.” What did he mean by that?

And I swear, every time I bring up the issue of nuclear proliferation, there are always smartass comments like, “Get rid of yours and then we’ll talk” or “address this issue with Israel first”. It is so damn frustrating talking to these people. They have no sense of protocol of how to behave with the world’s only super power. I mean, here we are, going out of our way to promote democracy and freedom in their countries, and they have the audacity to ask as to mind our own business. Ungrateful fools!

And the foreign press is so infuriating. They ask such inappropriate questions sometimes that it is difficult for me to keep my cool. Why do they keep bringing up the war in Iraq, the missing WMD weapons, or Ossama Bin Ladin? None of that matters anymore. We need to address the urgent issue of Iran’s nuclear capability and Syria’s support of the Hizbullah. When I brought up the issue of UN corruption in Iraq’s oil for food program, this foreign journalist asked me, “What about the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq’s oil revenues?” Do you see what I have to put up with?!

I just knew there was catch when the President offered me this position. “It is great job. You get to travel, meet lots of interesting people, give ultimatums and get lots of press doing your job.” I am always jet lagged, I hate most of the heads of states I meet, I can’t stand foreign food and I never get to see any of those cool, touristy places - my job sucks!

I CAN HEAR THE HAARP PLAYING

2005-04-19T14:00:00.000+04:00

Earthquakes, tsunamis, cyclones, tornadoes, hail storms, floods, melting glaciers, and my neighbor perspiring profusely a full 3 weeks before the arrival of the hot summer months, these are all signs of Global Warming.

Mother earth is mighty pissed off, and I don’t really blame her since we made it point to pollute the living s**t out of the planet. It has been a concentrated effort on our part to deplete its natural resources just so we can maintain a certain lifestyle. We continue to drill it full of holes looking for another drop of oil so that we can continue to drive our GMC truck and those we bought for each member of our family.

Things were bound to turn ugly sooner or later. Unfortunately for us, it has happened much sooner than we all expected. We needed at least a couple more hundred years before it all turned to crap.

With things as bad as they are (and progressively getting worse), I wonder if the blame should squarely lie on the worn out shoulders of polluted mother earth or should the blame be shared, at least partially, with our old friends at HAARP.

For those who don’t know, HAARP stands for High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, which is highly pretentious name in my view. I think a more appropriate title would be Highly Active Approach of Raping the Planet.

HAARP, based in Gokoma Alaska, has been presented as scientific and academic research program to exploit the ionosphere for Department of Defense purposes. But others, like Dr. Rosalie Bertell, believe there’s a much sinister purpose for HAARP. According to Dr. Bertell, “It would be rash to assume that HAARP is an isolated experiment which would not be expanded. It is related to fifty years of intensive and increasingly destructive programs to understand and control the upper atmosphere. …. The ability of the HAARP / Spacelab/ rocket combination to deliver a very large amount of energy, comparable to a nuclear bomb, anywhere on earth via laser and particle beams, are frightening.” (source: http://www.ratical.org/co-globalize/HAARPbg.html)

It is believed that both Russians and the Americans possess these weather weapons, which can potentially trigger droughts, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes. Leave it to the intelligence of these most powerful military countries to come up with the most innovative ways to destroy ourselves, and the planet we inhabit. Apparently, we are not destroying the earth fast enough for these idiots, so they have come up with a solution to help speed up the process.

I would like to conclude with an appropriate quote from Woody Allen:

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

CELEBRITY NEWS AND VIEWS

2005-04-18T15:27:00.000+04:00

I cannot fathom the deep fascination with the minutiae of celebrity lives. Who are these people and why should I give shit about them? What has Janet Jackson done for me lately? NOTHING! and I really don’t expect her too. Has Tom Cruise paid my rent, mowed my lawn or even help me take out the garbage? Not that I recall. Then why should I care that he attended a movie premiere of a film for which I am not getting at least 10% of the box office proceeds.

This unhealthy fascination with celebrity lives is disturbing to me but I do realize that I am in a minority. I can understand appreciating someone’s talent/skill in music, film or the performing arts but being aware of the frequency of your favourite star’s bowel movements is taking it a bit too far.

Worst of the lot is this current Michael Jackson trial. I don’t care if he slept in the same bed as Macualay what’s his f**k. You just need to look at his face to realize that he is a bit of thicko. He should have been arrested a long time ago for impersonating a human.

The crowning turd on this steaming pile of celebrity related programs are these garish reality TV shows. It is not enough that we watch them in movies or music videos, now we have to endure their ignorance and stupidity in living out their lives in front of the camera. This is voyeurism at its globally perverse level.

Paris Hilton and all the other reality TV celebrity freaks ought to be sent to Guantanamo Bay for a month long vacation full of torture and harassment. Now that would make a great reality television program!

DO YOU QUALIFY AS A MEMBER OF THE PNAC?

2005-04-16T13:41:00.000+04:00

Take the test, today and find out! Truthfully answer all questions listed below, and then calculate the results at the end test to find out if you can be part of this elite intellectual think tank of which Dan Quayle is a member. Don’t believe us? Check here: http://www.newamericancentury.org/statementofprinciples.htm

Key to scoring your answers: Yes= 5 points, No= 0 points.

1. Are you ethnocentric?
2. Are you racist?
3. Are you self-righteous?
4. Are you paranoid and delusional?
5. Do you believe in Hypocrisy as a positive trait?
6. Do you lack the ability of logical thinking?
7. Do you believe that it is stupid to think about the repercussions one's actions?
8. Do you believe that as an American, you are special?
9. Do you believe the ultra conservatives are the God’s chosen people?
10. Do you believe that US military budget should be tripled every year?
11. Do you believe in democratizing the sh*t of the Middle East and handing the whole region to Israel?
12. Do you believe in pre-emptive strikes on rogue states/America’s enemies?
13. Do you believe in pre-emptive strikes on America’s allies if you feel it will benefit the US?
14. Do you believe the US should build military bases in all countries of the world?
15. Do you believe the US should militarize space?
16. Do you believe Americans should give up most, if not all their rights, to win the war on terror?
17. Do you believe that the UN should confirm to reforms suggested by John Bolton?
18. Do you believe that the International Criminal Court should be abolished?
19. Do you believe all other countries except the US should abide by the Geneva Conventions?
20. Do you actually believe that current aims set out by the PNAC are realistic and should become a permanent part of the US constitution?

SCORES:

100-90: Welcome to the PNAC. You are member!
80-50: You can qualify to assist a PNAC member.
40-20: You are pathetic, and should be sentenced to watching Fox News for the rest of your life.
10-0: You are an enemy combatant and should be reported to the Department of Homeland Security.

THE RAMPANT USE OF PROFANITY

2005-04-14T18:10:00.000+04:00

WH INTERNAL MEMO – Confidential

Amendments to BFLWL

For the attention of all WH staff:

It has been brought to our attention, that certain WH personnel are using profane language in their verbal and written communication with other staff members. This is absolutely unacceptable. The President and the Vice President have set strict protocols for all staff working in the WH. The repeated use profanity is not only frowned upon, but is also punishable by 13 month jail sentence, as implemented at the commencement of the President’s second-term in office.

In tandem with existing guidelines of WH communication, the President and the VP have additionally added two more words to the Banned Four-Letter Words List (BFLWL). The following words shall not be used in any official or non-official WH communication (verbal or written):

- BUSH
- DICK

It is believed that these abhorrent and filthy words have no place in the WH and certainly not part of the language spoken by America’s moral majority. Therefore, in all future communication (written or verbal), President Bush will now be referred to, or addressed as, President Shrub or President Hedge. The VP has opted for various alternatives for his first name. He may be referred to as Woody or Johnson, although the Vice President is partial to Prick Cheney.

It is recommended that all WH staff strictly conform to the above.

Sincerely,
WH Chief of staff.

Post script: The above memo does not apply to the First Lady, she may call the President by any name she likes.

MY BIG BROTHER

2005-04-13T13:07:00.000+04:00

Of all my siblings, I love my big brother the most. Even though I have never really met him, I feel really close to him. My parents tell me he has always been around, keeping a watchful eye over me. I am happy to say our relationship has really grown over the past five years.

He is very protective of me, which is understandable considering the very difficult times we live in. He has made me aware that there are people out there who hate me because of my freedom and are willing to go to great lengths to harm me because of it. Come to think of it, I have never really ever met these people but big BRO says that they wear strange headgear, have long beards and speak in a strange and an unfamiliar language.

He promised me that he is doing all he can to protect me, and I trust him. He goes out of his way to keep me safe, like watching me 24 hours a day. He does feel though that a lot more can be done to protect my freedom. And to that end, he has suggested a few changes in my life. He says from now on, he will tap my phone, check all my emails and maintain all my medical and financial records. This is to ensure that this personal information is not being tracked by my enemies. He has also suggested that I get an iris-scan done, get a RFID chip implanted in my right shoulder and get tagged with a GPS ankle bracelet. These things will help in identifying me in large crowds and aid in tracking me down at any time, so that I can be kept safe from harm.

He said although an attack on me is entirely imminent, I should not let that fact concern me too much. As long as freedom is being protected, the threat to life isn’t that important.

I just wish everyone had a big brother like mine.