Tuesday, August 29, 2006

TERROR TRAVEL

On behalf of Captain Bigot and the rest of our ethnocentric crew, I would like to welcome you all on our transcontinental flight from New York to Los Angeles.

Our estimated flying time for this flight is six hours but it is more likely that it will take 48 hours or more to get to our scheduled destination. This is because the Air Martial and our fearful crew are most likely going to spot some 'suspicious' passengers exhibiting very 'suspect' behavior during the course of this flight which will automatically result in stop-overs in various yet to-be-identified locations to ensure the forceful and involuntary disembarkation of said 'suspicious' passengers. So we hope you will bear with us, and keep all future complaints to yourselves, or else you will be classified as a terror-suspect and get your ass kicked off the plane.

In keeping with latest travel security procedures issued by the FAA and the Department of Homeland Security, we would request all passengers to stay vigilant and alert of any strange behavior exhibited by any of your fellow passengers. As a guide the following list of oddities should be reported directly, by means of surreptitious wink, to a flight crew member:

-Passengers exchanging cell phones

-Passengers fiddling with their cell phones

-Passengers possessing cell phones

-Passengers talking too much

-Passengers talking too little

-Passengers appearing to be Arab-looking

-Passengers appearing to be Asian-looking

-Passengers possessing tanned or darker skin complexion

-Passengers wearing head gear

-Passengers not conversing in English

-Passengers sweating too much

-Passengers possessing beards

-Passenger stroking his beard

-Passenger twirling his moustache

-Passenger stroking someone else's beard

-Passenger twirling someone else's moustache

-Passengers frequenting the toilet

-Passengers pretending to be sleeping

-Passengers looking too happy

-Passengers looking too sad

-Passengers looking morose

-Passengers looking too calm

-Passengers staring out the windows

-Passengers eyeing other passengers or flight crew members

-Passengers praying

-Passengers reading

-Passengers staring into space

-Passengers traveling alone

-Passengers traveling with companions

-Basically, passengers possessing a pulse (or not)

Please also be informed that no beverages will be served on this flight, in case a passenger possess the knowledge to expertly mix drinks to create an extremely dangerous liquid explosive or to create a concoction that could result in uncontrollable flatulence which is equally dangerous.

As part of our additional safety measures, no plastic cutlery will be provided with your meal. In fact, no solid food will be served during flight, as the meal tray itself can be used as a weapon. As an alternate, feeding tubes will automatically drop from the overhead slot during meal times. The crew will assist you inserting into the correct orifice for your feeding pleasure.

Your in-flight entertainment includes, and are limited to, the Fox News Network's documentaries: The 9-11 Commission Report, Terror Is All Around Us, and Iran: The Biggest Nuclear Threat - Ever!

And finally, all Asian and Arab looking passengers are requested to keep their hands above their heads for the duration of the flight.

We thank you for choosing Harassment Airways as your preferred carrier and we hope you enjoy this flight.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

POST TERROR PLOd CONFERENCE CALL

Bush: Tony, that was awesome! You pulled a fast one there, but you did a great job. Great plot thwarting, I am pretty impressed!

Blair: Thank you, your Holiness. Coming from you, it means a lot! Had I been there in person, I would requested your permission to kiss you on your royal cheek.

Bush: Aw, shucks… Really?

Blair: Certainly Sir, I would have planted a big, wet one right on your pious arse.

Bush: You spoil me Tony.

Olmert: Tony, congratulations on the success on faltering the terrorist plot.

Blair: Cheers, Ehud. Couldn't have pulled it off without the help from your Mossad boys and the lads in the CIA. The whole thing was planned, sponsored, monitored and thwarted to perfection.

Bush: I am meaning to have my own here in the States.

Olmert: What?

Bush: A massive, texas-style thwarting of a major terrorist plot. Since Tony, has already used planes, I am thinking of using trains. And instead of liquid bombs, I am thinking of supplying my patsy group with garlic suppositories, and call it a chemical/biological attack. Thwarting such an attack will really drive up the Threat Level straight to RED.

Blair: Pure, utter genius, your lordship!

Olmert: Oh, man! I want to do that. My popularity is also taking a dive, with all the ass kicking Hezbollah is giving us.

Bush: No way, dude! You get your own terror threat thwarting ploy. It took me 8 months and 40 advisors to come up with this one. Plus E-hood, you gotta concentrate on targeting more civilians in Lebanon as you haven't got much time left because some sort of real cease fire will eventually be agreed upon.

Olmert: Later rather than sooner, of course.

Bush: We're doing our best.

Blair: So, when does the real one happen? You know the terrorist plot that we don't thwart.

Bush: SHHHH!!! What are you, an idiot? Dick told me not to discuss this over the phone – even on a secure line.

Blair: Sorry, your mightiness, I thought it was safe for this type of chinwag.

Olmert: Tony, don't worry you'll get the heads up before it happens. Mossad will keep you in the loop.

Bush: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most righteous of holy wars that the world has ever seen.

Blair: To destroy the Islamic fascists?

Bush: No, to covet more personal power to save our collective asses. Dick keeps telling me we are in serious trouble. He told me that people ain't buying our version of 9-11. I thought we sold it pretty good. But apparently, this shit about an independent investigation of 9-11 is about to spill over to the mainstream.

Blair: Same here in Britain.

Bush: So in order to secure our own backsides, we will be going after our biggest enemy; the people. Because gentlemen, truth is something we can all ill afford. Condi told me to say that! She uses that a lot in conversations in the White House.

Blair: So, we shall discuss this in our next private meeting?

Bush: Does a bear shit in the woods?

Blair: Alright, thank you Mr. President, and good night. See, you Ehud!

Olmert: Sieg Heil!

Bush: What?!

Olmert: Uh…I meant, good bye.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

BREAKING MUSE!

AIRCRAFT BOMB PLOT

LONDON - British authorities thwarted a terrorist plot to blow up several aircraft mid-flight between the United States and Britain using explosives smuggled in hand luggage, officials said Thursday.

Britain's Home Secretary John Reid said the alleged plot was "significant" and that terrorists aimed to "bring down a number of aircraft through mid-flight explosions, causing a considerable loss of life."


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MI5 has raised Britain's threat level to critical and the Department of Homeland Security (USA) has also upgraded their threat assessment to the highest level. Following is the combined statement issued by MI5 and the DHS:

"BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THIS PLOT WAS INTENDED TO BE MASS MURDER AT UNIMAGINEABLE SCALE!

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

THANK YOU."

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Also, have a look at this!

Friday, August 04, 2006

BOYZ IN DA E-HOOD

Ring ….Ring….Ring..

Ehud: Uh! ...who the f*ck!? Hello!?

Bush: Yo, E-hood!

Ehud: For shit sake George, it's f*cking 3 in the morning! What do you want now!?

Bush: I just wanted to know how many Hezbollites did you kill today? You've been conducting an awful lot of bombing there in Lebanon.

Ehud: Let me think. umm….on last count, according to IDF reports, I think that the figure is about 300.

Bush: I mean unofficially. How many did you really get? … for real.

Ehud: Haven't a clue, buddy. Probably none. I think we got most that have heard of Hezbollah. We just bomb indiscriminately in hopes we hit a few.

Bush: Ah! The same way we target Al Qaeda.

Ehud: Exactly. But who's checking anyway, we can claim as many as we want.

Bush: True. So how long do you think you will carry on with this attack?

Ehud: George, you've got to be kidding me! We effing planned this thing months back, with your participation and support, remember? You know the plan, right?!

Bush: Of course!... actually, what was it again?

Ehud: Oh, for your Christ's sake George, for the goddamn last time, we started up with Lebanon in order to go after Syria, so we can finally hit Iran. How many times must you be reminded of this?! Condi is planning to get this whole plan tattooed on your ass so you don't forget.

Bush: Yeah, but then I'll never be able to see it.

Ehud: So, how much shit are you getting at home for this?

Bush: Not much. Pretty much all the God-fearing, Christ-loving Americans support me on this. Just a few Satan lovers are complaining.

Ehud: I know what you mean. We have a few complainers here as well. Unfortunately, my own daughter turned out to be one of them.

Bush: My daughters are too obsessed with partying to even notice. Thank you Jesus for the Paris Hilton syndrome.

Ehud: So the press pretty much bought everything we are selling.

Bush: Yeah, poor bastards. Muahaha.

Ehud: Well, the IDF is forming the "Red Line" along both sides of the Litani River, east to west. We'll grab 2, 3, or even more miles wide zone for the international force to be deployed later.

Bush: Yeah, but not for too long dude, we'll need it later for the attack on Syria and then Iran. I propose we might as well get the International Force to build a runway there for our purposes.

Ehud: Good, great, wonderful idea! Did you think that one up yourself? Why don't you speak to Kofi about that first thing in the morning.

Bush: Sure. I'd be happy to bring this up….

Ehud: I was being sarcastic George!

Bush: Oh?!

Ehud: I think, now that we've finally started what we've been planning and dreaming about all this time, we might as well go for it. I mean go all out and not stop.

Bush: I know what you mean. This thing is perfect! Nobody is paying that much attention to the mess we created in Iraq. I mean, we're seriously getting our asses kicked because we really have no control.

Ehud: This thing is perfect for me because the whole world is watching and bitching about Lebanon, while we destroy Gaza quietly in bits and pieces.

Bush: Genius! By the way, any news of the Israeli soldiers?

Ehud: Which Israeli soldiers?

Bush: The ones that were abducted by Hezbollites.

Ehud: Oh, yeah! …forget about them totally. Yeah, no news…but then again, we aren't really looking for them, are we? We're too busy bombing the crap out of Lebanon. Muahahaha. They were just the trigger we used to start it all. Even the idiot press have stopped asking about them.

Bush: Hey, haven't you got the photos of the three Israeli soldiers on your desk?

Ehud: Sure do, for PR purposes of course. So what photos do you have on your desk?

Bush: I have the pictures of the missing WMDs we were supposed to find in Iraq.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

TOGETHER FOR LEBANON

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