Sunday, April 30, 2006

NO WORRIES

Salesperson: What can I interest you in, today?

Customer: I'd like something to worry about, please.

Salesperson: Sure! We've got an extensive collection of concerns, from minor qualms that are a consistent, daily nuisance to large and uncontrollable fears that can result in internal hemorrhaging. What do you have in mind?

Customer: Umm, I am more inclined towards anxieties that result in rapid hair loss and uncontrollable bowl movements.

Salesperson: I have just the thing! This is our latest in our line of worries; the impending burst of the housing bubble.

Customer: Sorry, I don’t have a clue what that means, so I am obviously not concerned.

Salesperson: You should be but I digress. How about loss of civil rights and liberties? That's a great worry!

Customer: To be honest, I don’t really know if I ever exercised my civil rights, so a loss of the same, would not be of great concern to me.

Salesperson: That's a frightening thought but anyway. … How about these extreme weather reports and the signs of global warming? Surely, this must worry you?

Customer: Well, not really. Personally, I haven't experienced anything apart from excessive sweating in my arm pits, but that most likely is due to the lack of use of my deodorant.

Salesperson: Hence the horrid smell.

Customer: What?!

Salesperson: Oh, nothing. Well then, how about the increasing rise in oil prices, surely that must give you a reason to worry.

Customer: I don't really drive much so it is not a real worry for me, actually.

Salesperson: Unbelievable! Alright, how about the mess in Iraq and the exorbitantly large number of deaths of innocent people, that must concern you a little?

Customer: All for a good cause, I say.

Salesperson: I can hazard a guess that you are Fox News viewer. Are you?

Customer: Who isn't?

Salesperson: The sane. Anyway, how about the spread of AIDS, that is a big worry.

Customer: Don’t have sex.

Salesperson: World Poverty?

Customer: Survival of the fittest.

Salesperson: Possibility of Bird Flu pendamic?

Customer: Stocked up on Tamiflu.

Salesperson: Alright! This is my last piece. The possibility of using tactical nuclear weapons to destroy nuclear facilities in Iran and the resulting consequences, now that is effing scary!

Customer: Hah! Just a bunch of bunker busters on some old factories.

Salesperson: I give up! I have nothing here of concern for you.

Customer: Well, thank you so much for trying.

Salesperson: Your welcome, Mr. President.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

A BLOGGER'S BLOCK

Ring…Ring…Ring!!!

Me: Hello?

Operator: I have a call for you, will you accept the charges?

Me: Who is it?

Operator: It is your conscience calling, collect.

Me: Oh, Geez!...It is 2 bloody o'clock in the morning, what does he want now! Alright, put him through.

Con: Wake up you impertinent fool!

Me: It is bad enough you pester me endlessly during the day, and now you annoy me at night, when I am sleeping.

Con: Sleeping?! Sleeping?!...How can you sleep at a time like this!

Me: A time like what?

Con: The whole world goes down the crapper and you are snoring your way to apathy.

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Take action.

Me: Forge some opposition, start a revolution, and storm the Bastille, perhaps?

Con: HA bloody HA. Let's have less of that lip, shall we? Now get to work!

Me: What do you want me to do?

Con: Write a bloody post for your blog? It has been weeks!

Me: Not in the mood, really. Besides, I am suffering from a bloggers block.

Con: Oh, copious piles of dog poo! There's so much to write about.

Me: Like what?

Con: Impending Iran attack, the Iraq mess, your absolute dislike for PNAC, the growing infringement of human rights, Global Warming, the insanity of Globalists, the vomit inducing reality TV shows, the rise of intolerance by the religiously skewed, the list is endless. So, what do you say?

Me: hmm…..let me think……..Nah, couldn't be buggered.

Con: You heartless and unfeeling blog person! How dare you refuse your conscience?

Me: But what difference would it make if I blog or not? Would anyone notice the difference?

Con: I certainly would. Your thoughts will just then swivel around your head, your rant would have no where to go and as a result your head will explode. It would make such a mess and I am NOT going to clean it up, that's for sure.

Me: Actually, I think I might have run out of things to say (as exhibited by this post).

Con: So this is how you celebrate your one year anniversary of blogging?

Me: Has it been a whole year? Wow! It felt more like 12 months to me.

Con: So are you quitting?

Me: I might be. I prefer going out with a whimper….and that feeling of 'hmm?'.