Thursday, February 02, 2006

STATE OF THE HEAD OF STATE OF THE UNION

Excerpts from the you-know-what by the you-know-who:

Every time I am invited to this rostrum, I'm humbled by the privilege as I never have a clue as to what to say and how to come up with sorry excuses for all the mistakes I've made through out the year. Fortunately for me, I have never had to write my own speeches. I just get tutored on how to read from the auto-cue and pronounce the difficult words before I get to the podium.
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In a system of two parties, just like the voices inside my head, there is likely to be differences and debate. Fortunately for me, the voices inside my head are so loud that they drown out any external disagreeable and dissenting expressions, so in the end I just do as I please… (at least that is what the voices in my head tell me). Tonight the state of my cranium is strong. (Applause.)
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Abroad, my controllers and I are committed to a historic and long term goal – to show ourselves as sane and normal, which obviously is not working considering our actions and our passed record of psychosis. But rest assured, the current unholy mess we find ourselves in today is nothing compared to the havoc I am about to create with Iran. (Applause.)
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No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder. I will not allow that to happen, as that it exactly what I have planned for the Middle East, and the US already has WMDs and I intend to use them, pre-emptively I might add. (Applause.)
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Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world. My aim on the other hand is to maintain our troops in Iraq and use it as a safe haven for future attacks against Iran. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder innocent people, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. What they don't realize is that we are doing exactly the same thing and much more, and we have already (nearly) inherited the Earth, so they are just too late, and so are the meek, for that matter. (Applause.)
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Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And in that regard, I am doing everything in my power to convince other nations to support the US when we decide to attack you and your country (with even our tactical nuclear weapons) because apparently, you guys feel you have the freedom to develop nuclear power for a better future. I mean really, how dare you?! (Applause.)
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Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it. Shape it in a way that the disparity between the rich and poor becomes more evidently clear. Apparently, we need more tax breaks for the rich because America needs more billionaires in order to compensate for the extremely large number of jobless, homeless and below-the-poverty-line poor. (Applause.)
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Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. Which is why, we really need to hurry up and invade all these Middle Eastern countries under false pretenses and usurp all their energy supplies and natural resources, before we pick a fight with Venezuela for their oil. (Applause.)
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Blah, blah, blah, and yada, yada, yada. (Standing ovation.)

2 Comments:

Blogger Zakintosh said...

" "
[what can i say? this is too amazing for comments!]

12:34 AM  
Blogger Fahd Mirza said...

The only thing missing is the refreshments.

2:12 PM  

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