Saturday, February 18, 2006


The 78th Annual Academy awards will be presented on March 5th, 2006 at the Kodak Theatre, and I for one am on tenterhooks. I can't wait till it is all over. The understandable excitement for the Oscars ceremony has resulted in much hair loss and rectal prolapsing amongst all Hollywood bigwigs. This year's selection is rather special as it covers the gamut of topical issues from cowboy manhandling to terrorists with a conscience. You will definitely need to take a box of tissues (and a clean pair of underwear) with you to go watch these films.

With much further ado, I present the nominees for this year's Best Motion Picture Award:

Redneck Mountain
An epic love story, set against the sweeping landscapes of Texas that tells the story of two old, extremely rich men--a Vice President and a lawyer--who meet in February of 2006 while driving through a ranch apparently hunting for birds. They unexpectedly forge a lifelong connection, when the VP accidentally shoots the lawyer in the face, mistaking him for a quail. The resulting complications, joys and tragedies provide a testament to the endurance and power of love.

The brutal murder of more than a hundred thousand Iraqis and two thousand plus American soldiers in the invasion of Iraq sent shockwaves through the world – and captured the attention of an author named William Blum.The movie covers his journey to create a bestseller ROGUE STATE: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower. Through his extensive research, Blum compiles a detailed list of US governments involvement since WWII in torturing, kidnapping, harboring terrorists, using chemical and biological weapons and utilizing many other lovely foreign policy tools. The book got a recommendation from the most wanted and homicidal of terrorists, Ossama Bin Laden. (I am not kidding!)

Crash (and burn)
A Danish Cartoon(ist). A rightwing-liberal newspaper. A Prime Minister in shock. Thousands of pissed off Muslim protestors. They all clash due to the re-printing of sacrilegious caricatures and over the question of freedom of expression. The protests start out with reasonable and legitimate verbal and written exchange but over the course of a few weeks turn into insanity driven, politically charged riots resulting in damage to property and human life. In the end, most of the protestors have forgotten what they were actually protesting about and end up smashing windows and peoples' heads for the heck of it.

Good Bye and Good Riddance
Taking place in the post 9-11 era of broadcast journalism, the movie chronicles the real life conflict between Bill O' Reilly (of Fox News) and those possessing sanity. With a desire to distort facts and promote sycophancy for the Administration, Bill ends up looking like an ass after each show. The movie is about O' Reilly's spiral downwards in the cesspool of tabloid journalism. Even the famous late night talk show host, David Letterman, known for his irreverent and ridiculous sense of humour, tells Bill, "60% of what you say is crap." (Absolutely true – this actually happened.)

Set in the aftermath of the US invasion of Iraq and the Abu Ghraib scandal, the story follows the secret CIA chartered flights that originate from various European cities (including Munich) to pick up 'suspected' Al Qaeda terrorists to be flown to other (suspect) countries for illegal detention and torture. As the news breaks in the mainstream media of these flights, it is up to the CIA to come up with more creative and innovative ways to cover their tracks (and their ass) in order to continue what they are doing.

As esteemed members of the academy, please submit your vote for the Best Picture and I shall see you all at the Oscars!

Sunday, February 12, 2006


I have been 'tagged' by a friend (Teeth Maestro), and I have to admit that I am not too familiar with this mystical and strange blog ritual. I have however, answered the questions to the best of someone else's ability and hold these truths to be self-evident, if you know what I mean.

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life

Map Re-Folding Expert
Contact Lens Remover
Page Turning Concierge
Privet Hedge Sculptor

Four Movies I Could Watch Over And Over

Battlefield Earth
Swept Away

Four Places I Have Lived

In a cardboard box
In the basement of my neighbor's house
On earth
Vicariously through others

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch

Re-runs of Election 2004
Whitehouse Press Briefings
State of The Union Address (the sequel)
Local Programming

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation

Mirpur Khas
Heathrow Airport (spent a day there waiting for my flight – delightful!)
Sea of Tranquility
In my head (mostly)

Four Websites I Visit Daily

Four Favourite Foods

Extra-cheesy Cheesecake
Extra-cheesy Cheese pizza
Extra-cheesy Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Extra-cheesy Cheese Lasagna

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right now

Slightly left of center
In someone else's shoes
On the other side (as the grass is always greener there)
I would rather be myself right now than be a 'place', let alone four of them

Four People I tag next





Sunday, February 05, 2006


(Response to) Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen’s Address- 3rd Feb, 2006

Ambassadors, Your Excellencies,

Thank you for coming at such short notice, (a full five months after the initial incident happened). As you are well aware Denmark has been faced with protests from the Muslim world concerning the publication of drawings of the Prophet in the independent newspaper Jyllands-Posten (a right wing liberal newspaper, which just shows you how bloody confused this rag really is). The Minister for Foreign Affairs and I have invited you today to inform you on the facts of the matter as well as the position of the Government of Denmark (only now, because we didn't have a clue as to how seriously the drawings would offend Muslims around the world, because apparently we are all living on another planet with the Danish Cartoon, Kurt Westergaard).

The drawings were brought in the newspaper Jyllands-Posten (Danish for Bigoted Tabloid) in late September 2005. In October I received from 11 ambassadors representing Muslim countries a letter in which they referred to the drawings and to other public statements. They requested a meeting and called on me to take action in the matter. (Being a secret sycophant of the xenophobes within my own government, I actually didn't do much other than issue an asinine statement that the government could not interfere with the media because I don't want any bad press myself.)

As you are well aware the cartoons (and I am not talking about the Danish government) caused a widespread public debate during the autumn. Therefore, I devoted a large part of my New Year’s Speech (which I didn't actually write) to the very issue of ensuring a respectful dialogue and the principle of freedom of expression. (Oh, c'mon don't laugh – I'm serious!)

In the speech, I made it clear that I condemn any expression, action or indication that attempts to demonise groups of people on the basis of their religion or ethnic background. (Which I have to admit is massive whopper of lie, as the Danish government passed a law, in September of 2004, limiting the ability of Muslims to enter into Denmark. In addition, several politicians within our country have made rather idiotic and racist statements against Muslims in their concentrated effort to convince all Danes to be either scared of Muslims or hate them or both. Thanks to the queen of Denmark for assisting in this effort.)

As you, Ambassadors, have witnessed during your stay in Denmark, the freedom of expression has a wide scope here. (We have the freedom to demonise, demean, ridicule and insult any religion or faith or sentiment that a considerably large population of the world holds sacred BUT what we do not have is the courage to express the same freedom when it comes to questioning the official [Holey] version of 9-11 OR exhibit the tenacity to attempt a cartoon of the Holocaust [God forbid] because that will admittedly be in bad taste and we will be hung by our genitals from the walls of Rosenborg Slot.)

But freedom of expression should always be combined with freedom of religion and respect between religions and cultures. (Absolutely) Those are fundamental values in the Danish society (Evidently not so.)
Point of Interest - From the Guardian (Feb 6, 06):

Jyllands-Posten, the Danish newspaper that first published the cartoons of the prophet Muhammad that have caused a storm of protest throughout the Islamic world, refused to run drawings lampooning Jesus Christ, it has emerged today.

The Danish daily turned down the cartoons of Christ three years ago, on the grounds that they could be offensive to readers and were not funny.

In April 2003, Danish illustrator Christoffer Zieler submitted a series of unsolicited cartoons dealing with the resurrection of Christ to Jyllands-Posten.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


Excerpts from the you-know-what by the you-know-who:

Every time I am invited to this rostrum, I'm humbled by the privilege as I never have a clue as to what to say and how to come up with sorry excuses for all the mistakes I've made through out the year. Fortunately for me, I have never had to write my own speeches. I just get tutored on how to read from the auto-cue and pronounce the difficult words before I get to the podium.
In a system of two parties, just like the voices inside my head, there is likely to be differences and debate. Fortunately for me, the voices inside my head are so loud that they drown out any external disagreeable and dissenting expressions, so in the end I just do as I please… (at least that is what the voices in my head tell me). Tonight the state of my cranium is strong. (Applause.)
Abroad, my controllers and I are committed to a historic and long term goal – to show ourselves as sane and normal, which obviously is not working considering our actions and our passed record of psychosis. But rest assured, the current unholy mess we find ourselves in today is nothing compared to the havoc I am about to create with Iran. (Applause.)
No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder. I will not allow that to happen, as that it exactly what I have planned for the Middle East, and the US already has WMDs and I intend to use them, pre-emptively I might add. (Applause.)
Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world. My aim on the other hand is to maintain our troops in Iraq and use it as a safe haven for future attacks against Iran. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder innocent people, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. What they don't realize is that we are doing exactly the same thing and much more, and we have already (nearly) inherited the Earth, so they are just too late, and so are the meek, for that matter. (Applause.)
Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And in that regard, I am doing everything in my power to convince other nations to support the US when we decide to attack you and your country (with even our tactical nuclear weapons) because apparently, you guys feel you have the freedom to develop nuclear power for a better future. I mean really, how dare you?! (Applause.)
Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it. Shape it in a way that the disparity between the rich and poor becomes more evidently clear. Apparently, we need more tax breaks for the rich because America needs more billionaires in order to compensate for the extremely large number of jobless, homeless and below-the-poverty-line poor. (Applause.)
Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. Which is why, we really need to hurry up and invade all these Middle Eastern countries under false pretenses and usurp all their energy supplies and natural resources, before we pick a fight with Venezuela for their oil. (Applause.)
Blah, blah, blah, and yada, yada, yada. (Standing ovation.)