Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I SPY

Little Bush (LB): Let's play a game.

Little John Doe (LJ): Sure. What do you wanna play?

LB: How 'bout I Spy? I spy with my little NSA on Americans residing within the USA.

LJ: Hold on, you can't do that!

LB: Of course I can. I authorized it and I have the authority to do it.

LJ: No, you do not. It isn't legal.

LB: It is too. Article 2 of the 'goddamn piece of paper' gives me the right.

LJ: Article 2 of the constitution doesn't allow you to spy on Americans. You can't spy on people without some sort of court approval.

LB: Oh, yeah! … ask Little Gonzales, he is playing the US attorney general, he says I have the right. Besides, I did it to protect Americans.

LJ: You have got to be kiddin' me! You wanna spy on Americans, to protect the Americans you are actually spying on?

LB: Exactly!

LJ: You're a moron!

LB: Shut up! I am spying on you right now, and you are sounding more and more like an enemy combatant.

LJ: Listen, just because we sycophantically approved all your other unlawful deeds does not qualify you to scrutinize citizens within your own country on a pretext of war on terrorism and this issue should be sub judice anyway!

LB: Huh?.... uh,… thanks for the compliment.

LJ: Jeez! You don't get it, do you? I am going to request a congressional hearing on this.

LB: You can't do that! By discussing our spying tactics will give advantage to the evil-doers!

LJ: That's a load of bull and you know it! What you are doing is illegal.

LB: No it is NOT, and I am going to continue to spy on you and your family and the rest of the public, so there!

LJ: You can't do that to me, I'm an American!!

LB: Dude that is a line used in Hollywood movies by an American character who gets mistreated outside his own country. It doesn't mean anything here.

LJ: Well, I am not playing your stupid I SPY game. I'm leaving!

LB: Good! The whole idea of the game is to spy on you without you knowing anyway, so get lost!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

PENTAGON APPAREL AND ACCESSORIES

With our resounding success in influencing meek little minds of our national populace through the exploitation of our mainstream media, we, at US Special Operations Command (USSOC), feel that it is the right time to target the subservient intellect of the international world population in order to influence them to support our (what some might consider farcical) US foreign policies.

In this regard, we shall be scratching backs, turning knobs, twisting arms, pulling hair, kicking ass, and spending $300 million to basically spread 'the word' through international media. In addition, USSOC has also decided to launch a special line of clothing, (t-shirts with pro-US slogans), under the international banner of 'Pentagon Pret-a-porter'.

With great pleasure, we present to you, a preview of our t-shirt slogans from our debut summer 2006 collection.

-Just a goddamn piece of clothing
-THINKING; just don't do it
-Trust us; we know what YOU are doing
-Don't say No to GITMO
-Torturers R US
-For unknown, clandestine destinations – Fly CIA
-Who are you going to believe? US or the facts
-You are either with us or… Forget it; you are with us, period!
-Spreading Freedom through the use of Depleted Uranium Bombs
-For your new year's resolution, try giving up your rights!
-Pollution rules!
-Martial Law and Order
-World Bank Loans… in 40 million easy installments!
-Make Trade Fare
-Stop beating around the BUSH…. and CHENEY

For Fall 2006, we are planning to launch our new line of Propagandist Underpants. These are specifically designed to provide US support in just the right places.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

GODDAMN PRAYER

Dear Lordie,

Well, here we are again. So, what have you got to say for yourself? Hmm..? You're not planning to give me a freakin' break (ever), are You?

I don't know what the big deal is?! All I said was, "It's just a goddamned piece of paper" and everyone gets offended. Why? I have said so much worse before but it never leaked out to the press and now this happens. It can't be because I blasphemed because that's nothing new, and that's never bothered you before, right? So, why did you do this to me this time?

They tell me, that the goddamned people on the goddamned internet are all makin' noise about this. First, they all got a bug up their butt about our troop presence in Eye-rack (Iraq), then they start complainin' about all the torturin' we're doin' to those goddamned evil-doers, then they all start screamin' about Patriotic Act infringin' on their goddamn rights, and now they're bitchin' about the goddamn constitution. Why don't they make up their goddamn minds!!

Number one, I ain't movin the troops out of Eye-rack because they're just a bunch of goddamn soldiers who are there to protect my interests and the interests of my friends. B, we can torture who we goddamn well please. Third, Patriotic Act is the best goddamn piece of paper ever written for this country and it ought to permanently replace that 'other' goddamn piece of paper. Constitution, my ass!

Now, work with me here Lordie, please get this damn internet press in check. 'Cause I am goddamn' runnin' out of patience and might just ban the whole damn internet from this dag nabit planet, if they don’t shut the hell up!

Now, you know what you've got to do. You got to get that Aamaideja ……Akhmaane … Ahemenakh… the goddamn president of Eye-rain (Iran) to make another retarded statement against Israel and get this heat off me. You may ask, am I serious? You're darn tootin, I am!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

CHINWAG: Conversation with Strep Throat

ST: Pssst! I’m over here.

Me: Sorry, I didn’t see you there. It is so bloody dark in here. Why did you want to meet here?

ST: Because multi-storey, vacant parking lots are the ‘in-thing’ for secret rendezvous of government insiders and mainstream journalists.

Me: Yes, but you work at the drive-through window at McDonalds, and I am sporadic blogger, so why the precaution?

ST: Because it is necessary! Tell me, are we safe?

Me: I don’t know about you but I always use protection.

ST: No, you fool; I mean did you ensure that you were not followed?

Me: Certainly. I changed 4 buses and 2 taxicabs to get here, and I live only half a block away.

ST: Good! So what did you want to ask me?

Me: I wanted to know, who is really behind all these international terrorist attacks?

ST: No. We have to play this game my way; you tell me what you know and I will let you know if you are on the right track.

Me: Okay. Is ‘Evil Ideology’ behind these attacks?

ST: Yes, in addition to ‘Wicked Theology, ‘Rancid Proctology’, and ‘Morbid Ornithology’.

Me: Bastards! This ubiquitous terror threat does not make any sense. No one is safe. What purpose does it serve to murder and kill innocent people?

ST: Hey! The Bush Administration is fighting to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq, so the death of the insurgents is a necessity! They are expendable.

Me: Dude, I was talking about the terrorists killing innocent people.

ST: Oh! Yes, the death of innocent people is always a tragedy. All human life is very precious.

Me: But you just said that the insurgents are expendable…

ST: Never mind that! Do you have any other questions for me?

Me: Yes. What about all these CIA flights? Are they actually kidnapping alleged terrorists and flying them to other countries for torture?

ST: Certainly not! Those are just recreational excursion flights for individuals who volunteered to be flown by CIA to holiday destinations for a bit of R & R.

Me: R & R? Rape and repression?

ST: Get serious! You heard what Bush and Condi said right? The US Administration does not torture detainees!

Me: Yes, they get other contemptible corrupt governments to do it for them.

ST: Not true!

Me: You're right, I forgot about Gitmo.

ST: You better watch your mouth. You can't make statements like that.

Me: What about freedom of speech?.....freedom of expression?

ST: Look, everyone is allowed to speak their mind, as long as they don't criticize the Administration. Freedom can only be fully enjoyed if you regurgitate the mainstream view point.

Me: So what do you recommend, I start listening to Rush Limbaugh to formulate my political opinions?

ST: Why not? He's already got them formulated for you?

Me: But true patriotism is speaking up against the wrongs committed by your own government.

ST: Who told you that? Don't be such a Chomsky! True patriotism is not questioning authority.

Me: Fine. So I'll just stop thinking then, shall I?

ST: Why not? You'll be much happier.