Tuesday, October 18, 2005


You know I had heard it all before. “Global warming this, …climate change that…a big hole in the ozone, … yada, yada, yada” but none of it made any sense to me. I never really paid any attention to those ‘Green Pieces’ people anyway. And then one day, when my wife was in the kitchen, cookin up a storm, I sneaked a peak at one of those Fox television news programs where this man was talking about how cow farts were responsible for global warming. Well, that certainly got my attention, as the subject of Cattle Flatulence happened to be part of my dissertation during my senior year in university.

Apparently, the methane in the cow farts is causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger. As an Industrialist cum Landowner cum Politician cum Blue-Chip Investor (and a man sporting a huge mustache), I have vast amounts of experience exploiting my country … uh, I mean, its people … no, I mean, its natural resources. As a shareholder in some very prominent oil exploration companies, I have never come across any scientific evidence that pollution caused by the use of fossil fuels is responsible for global warming. At least, not in the reports sponsored and issued by the companies in my investment portfolio. So, global warming is not because of the nonsense spewed by the tree-hugging left who keep insisting that the severity in global warming is due to increase in CO2 emissions because of mankind's heavy dependence on the use of fossil fuels. Well, I am part of mankind and I don't think my Toyota Land Cruiser caused any type of warming (global or otherwise) and neither have the 6 other SUVs driven by my immediate family members.

Just because of the 2004 Asia tsunami, recent high levels of rainfall and flooding, increase in the numbers of volcano eruptions, increase in the frequency of tropical storms and category five hurricanes like Katrina, everyone seems to think that industrialized nations are to blame. What bull crap!

Worst of all is the claim by some scientists that the recent increase in number of earthquakes is the result of global warming which in turn was caused by excessive fossil fuel related pollution. I mean, c'mon! How can that be? I mean I realize that recent one 7.6 earthquake in Pakistan was one of the worst that country has suffered in probably a hundred years but hey, there was another massive earthquake (a 7.2) in Alaska that hit in 1979 but no one remembers that! So what if the related subsequent scientific investigation revealed that "earthquake action picked up in places where the ice masses retreated some 10,000 years ago…. and pressures push up high mountains where glaciers form - and the weight of the glaciers pushing down can stabilize the situation, if not eliminate the risk altogether. Remove that weight, and the likelihood of a quake goes up as the strain accumulates."

I know what you are all thinking, "what a load of horse manure!" I agree. Just because there is an increase in the number of horrible catastrophes happening around the world, does not mean there has to be a scientific explanation for it. The reality we all have to confront is that these are all a natural occurrence. A natural occurrence due to God's will. God, it appears, is really ticked off at all of us humans. Why you might ask? The reason is as apparent as George Bush's towering intellect. It is because we have all failed in our acceptance and full support of the Globalism. Had we fully backed the idea of open market and exportation of democracy (in its raw, unrestrained form) to all oil producing Middle Eastern and Third World countries, none of these catastrophes would have happened as God's resulting punishment.

We, as humanity, are now confronted with one final question: Why the heck did I decide to start my annual excursion in the mountainous, northern region of Pakistan on the 7th of October, 2005? It's been more than a week and I'm still waiting to be rescued. Help!


Blogger Zakintosh said...

Man ... the Infinite Loop is much, much worse than you imagine:

It's not just the methane in the cow farts that is causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger. It's the hole in the cow that allows the escape of the farts that are causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger, thus allowing the Creative Department, upstairs, to send down more cows with holes that ... oh, well ... you know how it goes.

No consolation, but it needs to be said: Everyone, not just you and I, is stuck in the Turd World!

8:51 AM  
Blogger Zakintosh said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Zakintosh said...

Great Column, OA. Glad to see that some people can still distinguish between satire and sand standing up on the Comedy Channel and passing wind (yet another cause of global warming, I imagine, given the exponential increase in such activity).

8:59 AM  
Blogger Ramana Siddharth said...

omer,really well written..i mean,next some company will sponsor 'research' which proves that someone who is 2 poor 2 afford a heater and is using firewood is primarily responsible for global warming!!someone may even try 2 prove that carbon dioxide actually reduces global warming..he,he.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

Me -- these days:

"Cut the Global Warming crap -- already! 21 hurricanes just this year (and it's only Oct.), plus Tsunami, and the earthquake in Pakistani (and may be there're more that I might've missed) -- what the hell is this world coming to?"

*pause* .. *sigh*

"An end"

It's hard to back-up these disasters -- just by their scientific explainations.

3:34 AM  
Blogger Hani said...

I replied to your comment in my blog :)

2:05 PM  
Blogger Roberto Iza Valdes said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:29 PM  
Blogger ~ATOM~ said...

i knew it!! it's all the cows' fault...

2:16 PM  
Blogger Roberto Iza Valdes said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:00 PM  

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