Monday, October 31, 2005

BLOGGER'S SOLILOQUY

OLIVEREAM: To blog, or not to blog--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The hypocrisy and belligerence of an outrageous government
Or to write posts against a sea of fascist neocons
And by opposing end them. To quit ranting, to stop feeling--
No more--and by stop feeling to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That are the result of incessant lies. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To watch Fox TV, to go numb--
To go numb--perchance to stop thinking: ay, there's the rub,
For in that numbness what peace of mind may come
When we have shuffled off to another sovereign nation's oil-rich soil,
Must give us pause. There's the disrespect
That makes calamity of innocent lives.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of the current Administration,
Th' PNAC’s wrong, Bush's contumely
The pangs of ethnocentric arrogance, FEMA's delay,
The insolence of West Wing office, and the spurns
That Middle East merits for what is considered their unworthy oil reserves,
When the White House might its quietus make
With possible indictments of Scooter, Karl and Dick? Who would Iraqis bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after Iraq,
The undiscovered oil-rich country, from whose bourn
No Haliburton subsidiary returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
All become so accustomed to
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of corporate media
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of honest journalism,
And enterprises of mainstream newspapers and broadcast television
With this regard their reporting turn awry
And lose total integrity. -- Thick you now,
The fat Karl Rove! -- Nymph, in thy arrogance
Be all your sins remembered.
----
Based on Hamlet's Soliloquy

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

GLOBAL WARMING: A LOT OF HOT AIR

You know I had heard it all before. “Global warming this, …climate change that…a big hole in the ozone, … yada, yada, yada” but none of it made any sense to me. I never really paid any attention to those ‘Green Pieces’ people anyway. And then one day, when my wife was in the kitchen, cookin up a storm, I sneaked a peak at one of those Fox television news programs where this man was talking about how cow farts were responsible for global warming. Well, that certainly got my attention, as the subject of Cattle Flatulence happened to be part of my dissertation during my senior year in university.

Apparently, the methane in the cow farts is causing the hole in the ozone layer to grow bigger. As an Industrialist cum Landowner cum Politician cum Blue-Chip Investor (and a man sporting a huge mustache), I have vast amounts of experience exploiting my country … uh, I mean, its people … no, I mean, its natural resources. As a shareholder in some very prominent oil exploration companies, I have never come across any scientific evidence that pollution caused by the use of fossil fuels is responsible for global warming. At least, not in the reports sponsored and issued by the companies in my investment portfolio. So, global warming is not because of the nonsense spewed by the tree-hugging left who keep insisting that the severity in global warming is due to increase in CO2 emissions because of mankind's heavy dependence on the use of fossil fuels. Well, I am part of mankind and I don't think my Toyota Land Cruiser caused any type of warming (global or otherwise) and neither have the 6 other SUVs driven by my immediate family members.

Just because of the 2004 Asia tsunami, recent high levels of rainfall and flooding, increase in the numbers of volcano eruptions, increase in the frequency of tropical storms and category five hurricanes like Katrina, everyone seems to think that industrialized nations are to blame. What bull crap!

Worst of all is the claim by some scientists that the recent increase in number of earthquakes is the result of global warming which in turn was caused by excessive fossil fuel related pollution. I mean, c'mon! How can that be? I mean I realize that recent one 7.6 earthquake in Pakistan was one of the worst that country has suffered in probably a hundred years but hey, there was another massive earthquake (a 7.2) in Alaska that hit in 1979 but no one remembers that! So what if the related subsequent scientific investigation revealed that "earthquake action picked up in places where the ice masses retreated some 10,000 years ago…. and pressures push up high mountains where glaciers form - and the weight of the glaciers pushing down can stabilize the situation, if not eliminate the risk altogether. Remove that weight, and the likelihood of a quake goes up as the strain accumulates."

I know what you are all thinking, "what a load of horse manure!" I agree. Just because there is an increase in the number of horrible catastrophes happening around the world, does not mean there has to be a scientific explanation for it. The reality we all have to confront is that these are all a natural occurrence. A natural occurrence due to God's will. God, it appears, is really ticked off at all of us humans. Why you might ask? The reason is as apparent as George Bush's towering intellect. It is because we have all failed in our acceptance and full support of the Globalism. Had we fully backed the idea of open market and exportation of democracy (in its raw, unrestrained form) to all oil producing Middle Eastern and Third World countries, none of these catastrophes would have happened as God's resulting punishment.

We, as humanity, are now confronted with one final question: Why the heck did I decide to start my annual excursion in the mountainous, northern region of Pakistan on the 7th of October, 2005? It's been more than a week and I'm still waiting to be rescued. Help!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD - AN UNHEARD OF DIALOGUE

Dear Lord, … may I call you Lordie? It seems less formal since we know each other so well. I need your help … yet again.

Just to reiterate, you told me to invade Afghanistan, and I did. Granted you had to show me on the map where it was first but hey, nobody is perfect you know. You instructed me to bomb the sh** out of Iraq and I did. Now, you’re finally giving me signs about attacking Iran and I appreciate that because the Pentagonians have been itching to try out our new bunker-busting small scale nookular weapons. But, before I get around to that, I just needed to ask you something. What the heck was up with all this Katrina and Rita crap?! You know I am busy ruling the world, uh,... I mean, ruling the country, fighting the War on Terror and such stuff and you decide to hurricane my sorry ass in the middle of it all. Why lordie, why?! Now my popularity has gone to sh**! It was bad enough with the Cindy Sheehan crowd, but now my own loyal republi-con supporters are turning against me!

This is turning out to be the worst year ever! I mean, really Lordie, let’s be honest here. You haven’t made it easy for me since my first year of presidency but this year you really let me have it. I am not saying it is all your doing, I know Mike Brownie, Tom Delay, and Bill Frist haven’t help things either but please Almighty G, could you take some heat of me regarding this Valeria Plame affair? Now, Karl is saying that he wasn’t involved with the CIA leak, so could you just leave things at that and stall any further investigations into this matter. I’d really appreciate it, thanks! And as far as my involvement goes, the only leak I was responsible for was the one I made in my pants when I first heard about the Plame investigation.

Finally, I wanted to let you know that there are rumors among the press that I’ve recently started drinking again. I just wanted to you to know that is a bold face LIE! I started drinking a couple of years back and there’s nothing recent about it. I drink only for medicinal purposes mainly, as the alcohol helps me relax in these very stressful times. But most of all I drink because it brings me closer to you so I can converse with you every night in these very candid, one-to-one sessions.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I should die before I wake
Then have the White House Medical Emergency staff resuscitate me immediately, just like they did the last time I choked on a pretzel.
Amen

Saturday, October 01, 2005

FLORIDA - MAKE MY DAY

The epitome of advanced and cultured society, the state of Florida has implemented a new law for the protection of its citizens. Described as the ‘Shoot First’ (and don’t bother asking questions later) Law by the Brady Campaign, this new law “… eliminates the duty to avoid the threat and, instead, allows the gun user to 'shoot first' to eliminate the threat.” How supremely wonderful!!(I hear you say.) I wish we had the same laws in our state but obviously we are not so lucky to have the President’s brother as our Governor to help support the implementation of such a law.

The law was championed by an organization that is prominently known for its erudite group of members (who only rival MENSA in their intellect). That’s right! You guessed it; I am talking about the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA supporters of the law have christened it the ‘Stand Your Ground’ (and fire indiscriminately) Law. “The law also makes it legal for someone to use deadly force against anyone who unlawfully or forcefully enters their home or car — even if they are not being attacked.” I know you all are soiling your pants with excitement with that one.

Mark this very special day on your calendar because from this day forth, the ‘Castle Doctrine’ (which enables the right of residents to protect their homes by shooting intruders) has now been extended to public places so if people feel threatened with death or bodily harm, they may shoot to kill. So if you are a Floridian, and you decide to take a stroll outside in public place, and just happen to notice a man smoking a cigarette in your near vicinity, you may have the right to go ahead and put two bullets in his forehead (at close range) because second-hand smoke causes ‘bodily harm’ and you have the right to defend yourself. But don't pull out your gun in excitement just yet, as the jury is still out on this scenario. No one has a clue as to how ridiculously this current law might be interpreted by the gun-owning residents of Florida.

The NRA is so pleased with the enforcement of this new law that they are planning to change their slogan to “Guns don’t kill people, Floridians do!”

Obviously, the criminals are worried about this new law. “Before, I just used to go ahead and mug people at gun point but now with this new law in place, it is going to be very difficult for me. I mean, I will have to change my tactics because the average citizenry will now be ‘packin’. So what I’ll be doing from now on is shooting people dead the instant they try to fight back because as you know the new law allows me to protect myself from death and bodily harm. As a Floridian, gun-owning mugger, I have decided to abide by this new law and use it to my advantage.”

Florida Billboards now advertise:

Welcome to the Florida – the Sunshine State. Known for orange juice, beautiful beaches, frequent hurricanes, rigged election results AND citizenry brandishing heavy weaponry and possessing itchy trigger fingers. We hope you enjoy your stay!