Tuesday, September 13, 2005


September 12, 2005

To: Mike Chertoff, (Secretary: Homeland Security)

cc: His Royal Holy-ness (the President of United States of America)

Dear Mr. Chertoff,

With an extremely heavy heart and lukewarm testicles, I hereby submit my letter of resignation for your review and acceptance. I know you were expecting it, along with the rest of the American population, so I decided that it would be the best time for me to quit my position as the head of FEMA, as I already have my tail tucked in between my legs.

As the Director of FEMA, I led the response to more than 164 declared disasters and emergencies, and I am not referring to the performance of the current Bush Administration and its handling of the Iraq invasion and the WAT (War on Terror). I worked my velvety buttocks off trying to keep up with you and your genius ideas about conducting WAT drills in every state in America AND responding to disasters, all at the same time. You are one heck of an evil task master. Screw up once with Katrina, and you are ready to can my sorry ass. And don’t pretend like you were not going to fire me because I know you were, and that’s why I conducted a pre-emptive strike and quit. Now you can appoint someone else to handle the mess that we are ALL responsible for creating.

Now, I know I fudged my resume a bit for the purpose of this job, (as you are well aware) but who doesn’t? The fact that prior to my position at FEMA, I served as a bar examiner on ethics and professional responsibility has nothing to do with anything. So, why was my resume-fudging made such a big issue? Have you seen the President’s resume? Would you like me to scrutinize that for you, hmm?!

All this time you had me busy preparing for responding to terrorist attacks by suspiciously obscure religious extremists and that is what my team and I were ready for. This is what you told me to concentrate on and to care about. And now that Katrina has happened, you are not taking any responsibility for it. That is category FIVE BULLSH**!! Your skinny little ass deserves to be fired and that is the truth. And don’t even get me started on the President. He should be held accountable for this mess and for not having a clue about what’s going on. Telling me “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of job.” Yeah, right! So are you Mr. President.

I have now decided to accept the offer as the new Director of the Criminally Insane Asylum of Washington, DC. In which capacity, I shall be looking forward to meeting you and the President very soon.

Love and Kisses,

Michael D. Brown (B.A., J.D. and WD-40)


Blogger Shahid said...

This is the tragedy. He's resigned, but he won't be poor. He will get a nice cushy job in Washington with his pals.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Anwaar Hussain said...

PS : And I forgot to state in my resume' that I was fired from the management of Arabian Horses Association because the horses there didn't want asses managing them and called it racial discrimination. That was unfair though because I, to this day, cannot tell the difference between an asshole and a horsehole.

Yours in the stables,

Michael D. Brown (B.A., J.D. and WD-40)

6:38 PM  
Blogger Hani said...

According to the CNN poll 51% of the people disagree with the statement 'President Bush is doing a good job'

Thank God, the Americans are finally seeing the truth behind it all.

3:35 AM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

That was absolutely brilliant! LOL!

8:10 AM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

I thought this was hilarious and relevant to this post:

FROM David Letterman's Top Ten List of September 13th 2005.

Top Ten Questions For The Fema Director Application

10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"

9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"

8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"

7. "What are your plans after you resign?"

6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"

5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"

4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"

3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"

2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"

1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"

1:16 PM  
Anonymous A said...

Crminally insane...looking forward...
last best

4:16 PM  
Blogger Teeth Maestro said...

Thats the first gunie pig to take the fall, a few more are soon to fall victim to the new orleans aftermath.

Love the letter

4:24 PM  
Blogger Zakintosh said...

Hilarious ... as was Anwaar's 'PS' and the Letterman List.

9:28 AM  

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