Wednesday, September 21, 2005

OPEN MOUTH; INSERT ARMY BOOT

"A lot of people say if you want to go abroad and get a visa for Canada or citizenship and be a millionaire, get yourself raped." President Pervez Musharaf's comment in the Washington Post article (13/09/05).

With the successful completion of the United Nations World Summit of 2005, (which concluded with a loud whimper), we can now all rest easy in our beds knowing that nothing really conclusive has been achieved by the world leaders (as per usual).

The only thing that really made news around the world was President Musharaf's now infamous quote to Washington Post. There was a loud thud that reverberated around the world as collective jaws of the people (especially Pakistani women) hit the floor. To say we were all flabbergasted would be an understatement. In Pakistan, hospitals emergency wards were inundated with patients suffering from massive coronaries and violent vomiting spells due to the resulting shock and dismay.

Nothing and I mean NOTHING, can justify, qualify, or excuse such a retarded response to a question relating to the serious issue of rape victims in Pakistan. President Musharaf, has since clarified his position by claiming that he was "misquoted". We all hope (as Pakistanis) that this is true, and that somehow the Washington Post reporter, high on mixture of alcohol and drugs, decided to type these offensive words demeaning Pakistani women and wrongfully associate them to Musharaf.

Even if Musharaf was narrating the words of someone else, and he is not of the same opinion, the IQ has to drop sharply below double digits for one to repeat such nonsensical views in front of the foreign press.

Apart from the massive anger it generated, the following incident occurred as a direct consequence to this idiotic quote appearing in print.

X: Good morning.

Mr. Y: Good morning, how can I help you?

X: I'd like for you to issue me Canadian visa please.

Mr. Y: Well, first you will have to provide us with a completed visa application form and related required documents, before we can assess if you qualify for visa.

X: I qualify, I have been raped.

Mr. Y: What?!

X: Yes, raped! And as you are well aware, Mr. Musharaf said that if I 'get myself raped', I will be granted a Canadian visa.

Mr. Y: That is utter rubbish and is highly offensive!

X: Alright, then what about the million dollars? I can at least get the million dollars right?

Mr. Y: Absolutely not!

X: Oh man, what a jib! You mean I don't get anything for getting myself raped?

Mr. Y: No. And by the way SIR, who may I ask raped you?

X: The system! … "The meek shall inherit the earth?" Not bloody likely. I can't even get a visa to Canada!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I RESIGN!

September 12, 2005

To: Mike Chertoff, (Secretary: Homeland Security)

cc: His Royal Holy-ness (the President of United States of America)


Dear Mr. Chertoff,

With an extremely heavy heart and lukewarm testicles, I hereby submit my letter of resignation for your review and acceptance. I know you were expecting it, along with the rest of the American population, so I decided that it would be the best time for me to quit my position as the head of FEMA, as I already have my tail tucked in between my legs.

As the Director of FEMA, I led the response to more than 164 declared disasters and emergencies, and I am not referring to the performance of the current Bush Administration and its handling of the Iraq invasion and the WAT (War on Terror). I worked my velvety buttocks off trying to keep up with you and your genius ideas about conducting WAT drills in every state in America AND responding to disasters, all at the same time. You are one heck of an evil task master. Screw up once with Katrina, and you are ready to can my sorry ass. And don’t pretend like you were not going to fire me because I know you were, and that’s why I conducted a pre-emptive strike and quit. Now you can appoint someone else to handle the mess that we are ALL responsible for creating.

Now, I know I fudged my resume a bit for the purpose of this job, (as you are well aware) but who doesn’t? The fact that prior to my position at FEMA, I served as a bar examiner on ethics and professional responsibility has nothing to do with anything. So, why was my resume-fudging made such a big issue? Have you seen the President’s resume? Would you like me to scrutinize that for you, hmm?!

All this time you had me busy preparing for responding to terrorist attacks by suspiciously obscure religious extremists and that is what my team and I were ready for. This is what you told me to concentrate on and to care about. And now that Katrina has happened, you are not taking any responsibility for it. That is category FIVE BULLSH**!! Your skinny little ass deserves to be fired and that is the truth. And don’t even get me started on the President. He should be held accountable for this mess and for not having a clue about what’s going on. Telling me “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of job.” Yeah, right! So are you Mr. President.

I have now decided to accept the offer as the new Director of the Criminally Insane Asylum of Washington, DC. In which capacity, I shall be looking forward to meeting you and the President very soon.

Love and Kisses,

Michael D. Brown (B.A., J.D. and WD-40)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

FEMA-NCHURIAN CANDIDATE

Can you smell it? This vile stench from the aftermath of Katrina, has not only singed the hairs in our collective nostrils but has left us with this nauseating feeling that makes us want to vomit every time we watch or read the news. The source of this horrid disgusting odor is the bull sh** that spews forth from the mouths of those who are truly responsible for making this natural disaster into a national disaster.

Apparently, everyone was caught off-guard, including the President (which is understandable, since he was busy running away from Cindy Sheehan). NOAA had been posting warnings about a possible Category 5 hurricane making landfall but then who really had the time check out their web site.

The buck has floated in the rancid waters of New Orleans from one person to another has currently settled on the forehead of Mike Brown the Director of FEMA, who surprisingly is well experienced in handling natural disasters as he happens to be one himself. Brown, along with Mike Chertoff (Secretary of Department of Homeland inSecurity) were advised by the staff of the National Hurricane Center about storm’s potential deadly effects but apparently that bit of information was classified as irrelevant and was immediately evacuated out of their respective heads like a couple of rich white men out of New Orleans on a chartered jet right before the hurricane hit.

We don’t know what the local, state and federal officials were doing when Katrina hit New Orleans (probably watching the hurricane on CNN) but we do know that exactly 13 months prior to the arrival of Ms. Katrina in her category Five-ness, these people were busy conducting a successful hurricane drill in the same city, so it is not as if FEMA and the state and local authorities did not know how to respond to such a threat. They knew and they did NOTHING!

It is not enough just blaming FEMA for this hellish mess. We actually need to point our fingers and toes towards the real culprit which happens to be the Department of Homeland inSecurity. Since FEMA is a part of the DHS, it is fair to say that FEMA’s attention (and much of its covert budget) is diverted towards preparing for eventualities relating to civil unrest after a terrorist event. They faced the same criticism after hurricane Andrew smashed into Florida. (Yes, this is not the first time FEMA dropped the ball). The subsequent investigation of FEMA after that disaster revealed that “FEMA was spending 12 times more for "black operations" than for disaster relief” and “It spent $1.3 billion building secret bunkers throughout the United States in anticipation of government disruption by foreign or domestic upheaval.” And that was 1992 folks, so you can imagine what FEMA's black Ops budget is now (after 9-11).

The reality is that Federal Emergency Management Agency is part of the DHS, and the DHS is too busy spending billions of tax dollars spying on you and your family members in their hunt for bearded, religious fanatic terrorists that they can NOT be bothered saving people's lives during a category 5 hurricane. Sorry but that is just asking way too much of them. All they are authorized to do is to do a 'clean-up' job after excrement has hit the propeller. So as horrifying as this may sound you need to save your own ass when the time comes, (especially if you are African-American and/or poor) because 'frankly my dear, FEMA don't give a damn!'