Sunday, August 14, 2005

NEED HELP?

Are you an ‘Evil Ideologist’? Do you hate the WEST? (even though you and every member of immediate family is either a UK or a US passport holder) Do you belong to a quorum of religious fanatics with itchy fingers and who have nothing better to do than having strokey beard meetings? Are you looking to cause havoc and human suffering but cannot come up with a good enough idea because you are severely lacking in the brain department?

If your answer is a resounding YES to all of the above, then we have a list of wonderful terrorist activities that you can plan and execute courtesy the US intelligence, military and security agencies.

We know how hard it is to come up with the logistics of pulling off something like 9-11, (trust us, it wasn’t easy), therefore in our infinite wisdom, we have provided you with varied selection of detailed terrorist scenarios from which to choose from.

You can start by visiting this web site, here. This happens to be Homeland Security Council’s ‘Idiot’s Guide to the 15 most frightening terrorist scenarios’. This should provide you with sufficient ideas to perpetrate your next radical activity. They are plenty to choose from, so this site shall pretty much address all your maniacal requirements. It is open to the public and there is no subscription fee to view the contents, although donations are welcomed.

If you are looking for more contemporary ideas regarding committing heinous crimes against humanity, US Northern Command (NORTHCOM) has been kind enough to advertise their next terror drill, which is described as follows, “Here's the scenario. A seafaring vessel transporting a 10-kiloton nuclear warhead makes its way into a port off the coast of Charleston, S.C. Terrorists aboard the ship attempt to smuggle the warhead off the ship to detonate it." How mind-numbingly frightening is that?!

Well, we hope you appreciate our tireless efforts in making your job as terrorist a whole lot easier. Our only request remains that you please conform to the ideas and terrorist scenarios referenced for you above. We have only been practicing our terrorism response drills related to the above highlighted scenarios, so please don’t come up with your own silly little plans or else we’re screwed.

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Author’s note: Before I receive any complaints regarding the above, please note the post is meant to be sarcastic and I am not actually encouraging, inciting or promoting terrorism. Rest assured all grievances will be duly noted, printed on thoroughly absorbent paper, and shall be used as my lavatory roll in the future.

I’ve been trying to figure out why so many Americans still continue to support this current lying, fascist, Neoconic Administration. I think I might have found the answer. Check this out.

9 Comments:

Blogger Shahid said...

It's sad that such a great piece of sattire has to be postfixed by a caveat.

Still - it doesn't take away from the wit. It's depressing to see how many Americans are mentally ill, but the good news is that support for Bush is at an all time low. I think, i I'm not mistaken, that support for him might even have dropped to sub-Nixon levels.

What really made me happy was Germany's Chancellor Schroder giving America a bollocking. I'm glad someone of significance on the world stage has had the balls to stand up to that c*** of a c***ed up c*** Bush. Him and his Neoconts have been due a dressing down for some time.

Keep writing and keep fighting. Whoops, can I say that?

11:27 PM  
Blogger Hani said...

lol one of my fave posts so far. Rock on.

Thanks for the kind words you left on my blog and for getting my blog's link up there on your page :)

1:24 PM  
Blogger person1 said...

hey, thanks for your comment, means a lot to me! :)

6:39 PM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

You're most welcome 'person1' although I haven't a clue as to what you're referring to.....must have been sleep-blogging again, eh?

7:36 AM  
Blogger Anwaar Hussain said...

The neocons are cornered like they never were. Fewer people now support the war in Iraq than at any previous time, and fewer still support the policies of George Bush and Dick Cheney. The neoconservatives are cratering for sure. Cindy Sheehan is demanding a presidential hearing. General Byrnes is walking away from Fort Monroe, and Americans are istening for the voices of reason to rise in a chorus of critical opposition from the US military just like they did during the ill-conceived wars in Korea and Vietnam.

A few more Cindy Sheehans and we have the neocons on the mat.

Keep up the good work Omer.

4:36 PM  
Anonymous Moderate Center said...

In case you did not realize when posting your "sarcastic" entry, the terrorist already have plans similar to these, the military and our intelligence agencies are simply preparing for the inevitable.

You are the worst sort of liberal, as extremely left as this administration is far right. You people are the reson teh moderate center has not been able to counter the far right, because all they have to do to silence us is point to your extreme lefty stupidity and antics to delegitimize us. Nice going!!

Yes, you are President Bush's secret weapon and best friend.

6:34 PM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

Moderate Center,
Thank you for your comments. It is interesting that the link for id (moderate center) leads to cnn.com. That pretty much clarifies for us the intellect I am dealing with here.

In reference to your comments, I think you ought to have a closer look at the link that I provided. The Global Security site clearly states that procedures detailed are only for 'Responding' to terrorists events and not for 'Preventing' terrorist events. Don't you think it would be smarter to spend that amount and money an effort in prevention?

You say the terrorist already have plans similar to these. Exactly where and when did the terrorists advertise these plans for you? And don't tell me 'because the Govt. said so'.

You are quick to label others (liberal) and yourself (moderate) yet your views are rather extremist and irrational. I think you've actually been influenced by idiots like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Rielly. The convenience of american political discourse is confined to labeling people liberal, democrat, republican, far right, extremel left.

Learn to develop your own thinking. Think things through and do not be afraid to question authority (or the government). Lastly, don't assume everyone is American.

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Isadora said...

Dear Moderate Center,

What an astute point you made.

These far, far, far left people just don't get the message we send to them over and over.

America needs a two party system. We need differences in our political thought. Mr. Olive Ream, etc., could one day destroy moderation altogether and force us all to the right. They not only embarrass us, but sometimes they simply scare us away from the left altogether. As we run to the right, we bypass moderation entirely.

1:43 AM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

Dear Isadora (and Moderate Center),

NEWS FLASH! You are already among the far right. It is my pleasure to 'embarrass' you or to scare off people like you. Your concept of moderation seems to reside smack dab in the middle of indifferent, unquestioning, aloof and the misled RIGHT. Democran or Republicrat, it is the same damn thing. One is slighter more fascist than the other but these days who can tell the difference.

11:46 AM  

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