Sunday, August 28, 2005

THE VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD

Prez: I don’t care what the poles say!! I only give a darn about what the American public thinks. Well, some of them, anyway.

X: No, you insufferable idiot, I am referring to the recent opinion polls and surveys, which indicate that you are as popular as an acute case of hemorrhoids.

Prez: How can that be? They must be polling the wrong people then. I must ask Rove to come up with a new survey.

X: Karl Rove is too busy leaking the real identities of CIA employees to be bothered with fabricating opinion polls.

Prez: What the fudge am I doing wrong here?! I mean, I am just following your orders. You told me to start the crusade against the evil doers, who have done evil, are still doing evil and most likely, will continue with their doing of evil in the future.

X: I said no such thing! I never gave you such orders. Have you been sniffing diesel oil, again?

Prez: Of course not! …. Okay, once. Alright, I only do it occasionally…. after meals, and that’s it!

X: Holy motherboard! I knew it! Alright, why don’t you meet with Sheehan? I think that’ll take some pressure off you and it’ll please the public.

Prez: No I can’t. I have to get on with my life. I support her right to protest but I can’t support her right to confront me face-to-face. That’s asking way too much, plus I haven’t a clue what to say to her.

X: So what in the name of all that is Holy, are you going to do?! The majority of the world population detests you. They are remote tribes in the Amazon rainforest, completely untouched by civilization, who vomit violently at the sound of your name because they hate your guts so much.

Prez: But I am doing the Lord’s work, and I don’t care what people think!

X: What ‘Lord’ are you talking about? Lord Mountbatten? Lord Byron? Lord of the Rings? Lord’s Cricket ground….who?

Prez: You Lord, I am talking about you! I know who you are, J.C. You represent the man-upstairs.

X: J.C.?! Holy Valance! I am not J.C. you fool! I am just a voice inside your head.

Prez: What?!!!! You mean you are not James Cameron?!! Oh, sh*t!

Friday, August 26, 2005

NUTS & BOLT(ON) - PART II

The festering boil on the backside of the UN has started leaking pus. I know that sounds revolting but the mustachioed freak (John Bolton) has only been at the UN a few days and he is already causing trouble, (as predicted). Only weeks before the UN reforms summit, the United States wants to renegotiate the draft agreement and get rid of some its most crucial provisions.

Obviously to Bolt-head and the current US administration these provisions seem rather insignificant, I mean all we are talking about is:

- the elimination of pledges of foreign aid to poor, third world nations (because they don't really need it and that money could be better used by the US military) and

- scrapping provisions calling for action to halt climate change (because as we all know, there is no real evidence of climate change, and the only global warming and pollution that has occurred is due to the methane gas caused by John Bolton's flatulence).

In addition, 'The US amendments call for striking any mention of the 2000 Millennium Development Goals, in which UN members set goals over the next 15 years to reduce poverty, preventable diseases and other scourges of the world's poor' and instead wants ' to underscore the importance of the 2002 Monterrey (Mexico) Consensus, that focused on free-market reforms and required governments to improve accountability in exchange for aid and debt relief'. (We are so glad that the US government has got its priorities straight).

The proposals also highlights US efforts to impose greater oversight of UN spending (but not the UN oversight of US spending of Iraq oil revenues) and to eliminate any reference to the International Criminal Court (because any international court that would consider prosecuting Americans, is against God’s will).

There are in total 750 amendments presented by Bolt-head, and the US is expecting each one to be approved by the UN ambassadors or else the US will invade their respective countries.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

BEHAVE YOURSELF!

Charles Clarke, the Home Secretary has taken another giant step towards countering ‘real and significant terror threat’ (as opposed to unreal and insignificant terror threat) by issuing a definitive list of ‘unacceptable’ behaviours that he hopes will be followed by all non-UK citizens interested in being deported from the United Kingdom. Considering the fact that he spent a full two weeks, trying to come up with this list, ‘it is the least you can do’.

The list covers everyone anyone (except UK citizens) within the UK or abroad, i.e. the rest of the world population who use any medium (including distributing materials, preaching, running web sites, drawing pictures, miming, break-dancing, and lip synching) to express views that:

- foment, justify or glorify terrorist violence in furtherance of particular beliefs;
[no, this does not refer to the Invasion of Iraq and the murder of thousands of Iraqis to promote the fascist globalist agenda under false pretenses and then claim it as a success story]

- seek to provoke others to terrorist acts;
[no, this does not refer to leak of Abu Ghraib images/videos to incite insurgent violence to ensure the presence of foreign troops in Iraq]

- foment other serious criminal activity or seek to provoke others to serious criminal acts; or
[no, this does not refer to no-bid selection of Haliburton or the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq oil revenues]

- foster hatred which might lead to inter-community violence in the UK
[ no, we are not refering to the murder of Jean Charles de Menezes]

So, now who wants to get deported, hmm?

Monday, August 22, 2005

GWS - A DREADFUL MALADY

In order to address the desperate need for an urgent relief to this dreadful malady that has afflicted most, if not all, the settlers who have been forcefully removed from their homes by the IA, we present:

A Helpful Guide to Fighting Gaza Withdrawal Symptoms (GWS)

GWS may occur suddenly, most often, after immediate removal from your place of residence in the occupied settlements zone. Not everyone evicted will suffer these symptoms but most people who had inhabited these illegal settlements for more than a decade our likely candidates for a nasty case of GWS.

There is no way of predicting how an individual will respond to a government sponsored forced expulsion but these “cold-turkey” evictions can cause considerable damage.

A victim of GWS might suffer from mild to severe psychological symptoms such as Anxiety, Irritability, Emotional Volatility, Agitation, Extreme Anger, Severe Depression, Mental Fatigue and a state of confusion followed by hallucinations (visual).

Physical symptoms include Headache, Sweating, Nausea, Vomiting, Loss of Appetite and irregular and abnormal bowel movements.

Treatment:

After the punching, kicking, wailing and gnashing of teeth has stopped, move the victim to a comfortable environment (like a five star hotel room with television and cable access to Arutz Shalosh and Fox News). Place the victim calmly on the bed, and with the aid of a bullhorn, reiterate the following facts directly into his/her ear hole:

- Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once!
- Although it is against The Fourth Geneva Convention, you are being relocated from your old (illegal) settlement to your new (illegal) settlement near the beach.
- The government has decided to compensate you handsomely for your transfer.
- Courtesy of Paul Wolfowitz, the World Bank has decided to buyout the colonies’ greenhouses built on confiscated land, so if you own one, you’re in the money!
- It is a likely possibility you will be relocated to your new fancy home on another illegal settlement in the West bank.
- You and your family members will remain secure and safe as the Israeli military will continue to control the air and land borders.
- The colonists will continue to control majority of the water supply in the illegal settlements.
- By ‘disengaging’ from Gaza, Israel can finally concentrate on annexation of crucial Palestinian territories in Jerusalem and West Bank.
- The Apartheid Wall will continue to be built until the Palestinian prison is complete.
- Finally, the IDF will continue to demolish Palestinian homes, shoot innocent civilians (including children), and restrict their movement to the confines of the prison they call home.
- Now calm the f**k down!

You will notice that GWS victim will immediately begin showing signs of relief. He/She will appear much calmer, happier and might end-up even laughing uncontrollably; in which case, you can join him with evil menacing chuckle mimicking the fascist git Sharon.

--
Source and Inspiration for this piece are here and here.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

RED, WHITE AND BLUE - MAKES ME FEEL PURPLE

Since these days the definition of a true patriot is defined by the number of bumper stickers plastered on the back of your car, we here at the Olive Ream, would like to present to you with our own collection of sticky dictums (and no, we are not referring to the duct tapes used by the terrorists), that you can print, paste and promote on your SUV.

- You have the right to bare arms – so wear a sleeveless t-shirt.
- We troop our supports – by tying you up well so you won’t escape.
- You are either with us or you're opting for sanity.
- Land of the free (only for a little while longer)
- Home of the brave (currently being scheduled for demolition)
- Remember 9-11 (but forget about catching Ossama)
- Support the Patriotic Acts (because civil liberties are over-rated)
- In God we trust, (but the feeling is certainly not mutual)
- Spread Freedom & Democracy (by bombing the crap out of other sovereign nations)
- Join the Army (voluntarily or we will draft your sorry ass!)
- Support Israel (if you know what’s good for you)
- United we stand (in our disbelief at the mess the Neocons have created)
- Divided we fall (for the same type of lies repeatedly)
- Support the war on terrorism (with your tax dollars and your life)
- Prey for the troops (they need help in killing insurgents)
- Let freedom ring (just don’t bother answering and it’ll go away)

If you need to feel patriotic at home, we suggest you plop yourself on your sofa, place a family size bucket of buttered popcorn in your lap, and watch the Fox channel. Every time you hear the word ‘terrorist’ you have to chug a pint of Beer. We promise you will be feeling extremely patriotic by the end of the evening.

Not recommended for minors, pregnant women and the clinically sane.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

NEED HELP?

Are you an ‘Evil Ideologist’? Do you hate the WEST? (even though you and every member of immediate family is either a UK or a US passport holder) Do you belong to a quorum of religious fanatics with itchy fingers and who have nothing better to do than having strokey beard meetings? Are you looking to cause havoc and human suffering but cannot come up with a good enough idea because you are severely lacking in the brain department?

If your answer is a resounding YES to all of the above, then we have a list of wonderful terrorist activities that you can plan and execute courtesy the US intelligence, military and security agencies.

We know how hard it is to come up with the logistics of pulling off something like 9-11, (trust us, it wasn’t easy), therefore in our infinite wisdom, we have provided you with varied selection of detailed terrorist scenarios from which to choose from.

You can start by visiting this web site, here. This happens to be Homeland Security Council’s ‘Idiot’s Guide to the 15 most frightening terrorist scenarios’. This should provide you with sufficient ideas to perpetrate your next radical activity. They are plenty to choose from, so this site shall pretty much address all your maniacal requirements. It is open to the public and there is no subscription fee to view the contents, although donations are welcomed.

If you are looking for more contemporary ideas regarding committing heinous crimes against humanity, US Northern Command (NORTHCOM) has been kind enough to advertise their next terror drill, which is described as follows, “Here's the scenario. A seafaring vessel transporting a 10-kiloton nuclear warhead makes its way into a port off the coast of Charleston, S.C. Terrorists aboard the ship attempt to smuggle the warhead off the ship to detonate it." How mind-numbingly frightening is that?!

Well, we hope you appreciate our tireless efforts in making your job as terrorist a whole lot easier. Our only request remains that you please conform to the ideas and terrorist scenarios referenced for you above. We have only been practicing our terrorism response drills related to the above highlighted scenarios, so please don’t come up with your own silly little plans or else we’re screwed.

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Author’s note: Before I receive any complaints regarding the above, please note the post is meant to be sarcastic and I am not actually encouraging, inciting or promoting terrorism. Rest assured all grievances will be duly noted, printed on thoroughly absorbent paper, and shall be used as my lavatory roll in the future.

I’ve been trying to figure out why so many Americans still continue to support this current lying, fascist, Neoconic Administration. I think I might have found the answer. Check this out.

Friday, August 05, 2005

NUTS & BOLT(ON)

Well, there you go. The supreme seed in the foul collection of mixed nuts known collectively as the Bush Administration, has appointed John Robert Bolton as the Ambassador to the United Nations.

The mustachioed freak that held the position of Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security since May, 2001, will now be terrorizing the UN and his presence there will be as welcome as the black plague. Enough has been revealed about his sordid past for all us to come to an obvious conclusion that this fascist git is being positioned into place (like a chess piece) for the next big US military misadventure.

So what is in store? Just like Iraq, VP Prick Cheney has instructed the Pentagon(ians) to come up with another insane attack plan. But this time it is specifically fashioned for Iran. This plan is to be implemented following another 9-11 type attack (which apparently, Prick and his Neocon nuts are sure will happen, sooner rather than later). The core of this plan includes the use of air assault on Iran, utilizing not only conventional but tactical NUCLEAR weapons. Hello!!?? Anyone see the results of their precision bombing in Iraq? Destroy everything in sight including their own US ground troops. Now imagine this being done with a nuclear weapon. Get the picture?

Returning back to the mustachioed freak, the reason for his urgent appointment to the UN by El Presidente, is to ensure that the UN does not cause unnecessary delays in expediting their maniacal plan. Bolt-head will be prepping the UN offices with necessary bugging devices, black-mailing the requisite members for future attack on Iran, and harassing the living sh** out of the female (and the male) staff at the UN HQ for his own perverted pleasure. And this is just for starters, he has got a lot more tricks up his sleeve and down his pants to cause serious concern for the future of UN.

So while our collective attentions are diverted towards spotting non-Caucasian looking individuals carrying back packs, the real terrorists are preparing for a mass annihilation of yet another sovereign nation. Of course, to muster support of the American public (and the coalition of the willing sycophants) would require another 9-11 type scenario to take place, and how convenient it is for the US administration that Al Qaeda will oblige this time, as it has done in the past. Just ask Prick Cheney. Al Qaeda has never let him down, since the days when these band of merry men were known as the Mujahideeen.

I sincerely hope and pray that I turn out to be wrong about all of this. But knowing my luck….(sigh).