Wednesday, June 01, 2005


What is presented below is my version of a typical Q & A session with Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary. Although this is a work of fiction, some of the bizarre responses by SM and the president are actually real. Check the footnotes for verification.

SM: Looks like we have a good group here tonight. I’ll go straight to the questions. Yes?

Q: What is the official response to the recent Amnesty International report accusing senior US officials of approving torture in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and other prisons?

SM: The charges are unsupported by the facts. (1)

Q: What facts are those?

SM: The fact that they never checked with the White House first before issuing their report; the fact that Amnesty based its report on statements by ex-detainees and other verified and credible news reports; and the fact that most of the officials in question were not even aware they would be blamed for the tortures they approved.

Q: So you admit they are guilty.

SM: I never said that!

Q: Scott, what planet are you from?

SM: What?!

Q: Never mind. What is the Administration planning to do about the mess in Iraq?

SM: The US is there by invitation. (2)

Q: Oh, really? Exactly by whose invitation did the US invade Iraq and murder 100,000 plus people?

SM: What I mean is the US is currently there because of the request of the democratically elected government in Iraq.

Q: And they requested the US to create conditions of civil war?

SM: Those conditions have been created by the insurgents, outsurgents, and the somewhere-in-between-surgents! The US is only responsible for providing the necessary equipment and training to the Iraqi police force to maintain peace and order.

Q: That must be why most of the troops and Iraqi personnel drive around in vehicles with no armor plating and the number of suicide bombings have increased of the last few months.

SM: Exactly!

Q: You don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, do you Scott?

SM: Not exactly, no.

Q: Could you please explain to us the logic behind the US decision to weaponize space.

SM: Sure. The president believes that this is a crucial step in spreading democracy and freedom. The whole idea behind this specific star wars program is to destroy all extremist, Ossama-supporting terrorist satellites circling the earth.

Q: And which ones are those?

SM: All the ones not owned and controlled by the US military.

Q: What is the president’s response to the recent Amnesty Internal report?

SM: The president believes that charges are absurd. He said that the terrorists are trained to lie to humanitarian and civil rights groups. (3)

Q: Are they also trained to torture themselves in inhumane ways, and murder themselves in some cases?

SM: I think we have discussed this issue enough, I’d rather you move on to another question.

Q: Fine. Where’s Jeff Gannon?

SM: I’m sorry, that is all the time we have for today. Thank you all for coming.


1- This is an actual quote from McClellan, as quoted by Bob Dart in his article dated 05/26/05. You can find it here.

2- Helen Thomas, during a press briefing (05/25/05), nailed McClellan to the wall. The actual exchange is a lot funnier than anything that I could come up with. You can see it here.

3- This is a quote from George Bush, which I incorporated into this article. It is from an article by Liza Porteus dated 05/31/05. You can see it here.


Blogger Anwaar Hussain said...

All I can say, Omer, is that George bernard Shaw probably had this cabal in mind when he said, "Power does not corrupt men; fools, however, if they get into a position of power, corrupt power."

Keep up the good work.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Hunt and Fish said...

Man there is alot of comment spam I have noticed. Is there any way to remove it from the blogs?

3:38 PM  

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