Tuesday, June 28, 2005


To: The Secretary of Offense
The White House

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

As requested, please find below the minutes from the first meeting held with the insurgents in Iraq.

Meeting with the representatives of
Iraqi Insurgents Association Inc. (IIAI)

Date: 3rd June, 2005
Time: 3pm
Location: Balad

Representative of Ansar al-Sunna Army
Representative of Islamic Army in Iraq
Representative(s) of the Fairly Pissed-off Iraqi Population In General

Minister of Electricity (absolutely true, I am not making this up)
Senior US Military Officer
Senior US Lack Of Intelligence Officer
Representative of the CIA
Civilian Staff Aide from US Congress
Representative of the American Embassy in Baghdad

Absent: Abu Missing Al Zarkawi and Where's Ossama Bin Lately

Quorum present? Yes

Others Present:

-Paris Hilton (I am making this one up)


Meeting called to order at 3:00 p.m. by the sound of a loud BANG outside the villa window, with everyone ducking under the table. (Later discovered to be a car back firing).

It was mutually and prematurely agreed to further hold such meetings. The Chair suggested, “Its damn good idea, and gets me out of the house for a change.”

Key Issues Discussed:

-Representatives of the Iraqi Insurgents Association requested a timetable for the US Exit Strategy (from Iraq). The Senior Lack of Intelligence Officer replied, “We don’t have one.” IIAI Representative reiterated the importance of a proper US exit strategy other than the current ‘body bags’ approach to the US personnel leaving Iraq. It was mutually agreed that ‘something must be done’ to address this issue.

- Minister of Electricity enquired about the number of power outages that the IIAI were aware, of other than the daily load-shedding disruption averaging 18 hours. IIAI representative said, “What electricity? We have electricity?”

- The Senior US Military Officer requested the IIAI to address the issue of the daily suicide attacks on the US Military. The IIAI representative requested further information on the subject. (“What do you want me to do about it?”). The Senior Military Officer replied, “Stop it!” The IIAI representatives mutually agreed to “see what we can do about it” and then burst out laughing.

-The Representative of the US Embassy in Baghdad requested the IIAI representatives to return back to their own countries and to “stop the terrorist attacks in Iraq.” The IIAI clarified that majority of the ‘insurgents’ in Iraq are Iraqis themselves and not outsiders. They further suggested the US Embassy representative to “stop believing in your own propaganda and to avoid watching CNN and Fox news as it was definitely taking a toll on his intelligence”. The representative from the US Embassy was flattered by their comment, and said “Thank you for the compliment.”

Other business:

-All parties agreed to have the representative of the CIA attend all future meetings as his contribution of ‘straightening chairs’ was invaluable.

-The Civilian staff aide from the US Congress requested the IIAI to forward a message of goodwill to the US Administration. They courteously replied with a “Sod off and die!”

Assessment of the Meeting:

Went quite well, although the falafel sandwiches left much to be desired.

Meeting adjourned at 3:10 p.m.


Blogger Shahid said...

The good news is that Bush is losing domestic support. May Blair also lose all support.

As an aside, I'm impressed with the huge list of buttons and gizmos on the right hand side of your blog!

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:45 PM  
Blogger doodpathi said...

Brilliant post. "straightening chairs?!" That was the best.

9:59 PM  
Blogger say what? said...

you forgot about paris hilton .. she might be feeling lonely now :P

2:20 PM  
Anonymous Sin said...

Poor Paris. Doesn't she count as a WMD? After all, the sheer number of venereal diseases floating around her body MUST be considered a biological weapon, no?

2:21 AM  
Anonymous be said...

hi just popped in from another blog

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, excellent website. A great Iraq resource is Deaths in Iraq. It breaks all of the casualties down by age, race, branch of the military, country, etc.

4:09 AM  

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