The White House
Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,
As requested, please find below the minutes from the first meeting held with the insurgents in Iraq.
Meeting with the representatives of
Iraqi Insurgents Association Inc. (IIAI)
Date: 3rd June, 2005
Representative of Ansar al-Sunna Army
Representative of Islamic Army in Iraq
Representative(s) of the Fairly Pissed-off Iraqi Population In General
Minister of Electricity (absolutely true, I am not making this up)
Senior US Military Officer
Senior US Lack Of Intelligence Officer
Representative of the CIA
Civilian Staff Aide from US Congress
Representative of the American Embassy in Baghdad
Absent: Abu Missing Al Zarkawi and Where's Ossama Bin Lately
Quorum present? Yes
-Paris Hilton (I am making this one up)
Meeting called to order at 3:00 p.m. by the sound of a loud BANG outside the villa window, with everyone ducking under the table. (Later discovered to be a car back firing).
It was mutually and prematurely agreed to further hold such meetings. The Chair suggested, “Its damn good idea, and gets me out of the house for a change.”
Key Issues Discussed:
-Representatives of the Iraqi Insurgents Association requested a timetable for the US Exit Strategy (from Iraq). The Senior Lack of Intelligence Officer replied, “We don’t have one.” IIAI Representative reiterated the importance of a proper US exit strategy other than the current ‘body bags’ approach to the US personnel leaving Iraq. It was mutually agreed that ‘something must be done’ to address this issue.
- Minister of Electricity enquired about the number of power outages that the IIAI were aware, of other than the daily load-shedding disruption averaging 18 hours. IIAI representative said, “What electricity? We have electricity?”
- The Senior US Military Officer requested the IIAI to address the issue of the daily suicide attacks on the US Military. The IIAI representative requested further information on the subject. (“What do you want me to do about it?”). The Senior Military Officer replied, “Stop it!” The IIAI representatives mutually agreed to “see what we can do about it” and then burst out laughing.
-The Representative of the US Embassy in Baghdad requested the IIAI representatives to return back to their own countries and to “stop the terrorist attacks in Iraq.” The IIAI clarified that majority of the ‘insurgents’ in Iraq are Iraqis themselves and not outsiders. They further suggested the US Embassy representative to “stop believing in your own propaganda and to avoid watching CNN and Fox news as it was definitely taking a toll on his intelligence”. The representative from the US Embassy was flattered by their comment, and said “Thank you for the compliment.”
-All parties agreed to have the representative of the CIA attend all future meetings as his contribution of ‘straightening chairs’ was invaluable.
-The Civilian staff aide from the US Congress requested the IIAI to forward a message of goodwill to the US Administration. They courteously replied with a “Sod off and die!”
Assessment of the Meeting:
Went quite well, although the falafel sandwiches left much to be desired.
Meeting adjourned at 3:10 p.m.