Tuesday, June 28, 2005

MEETING MINUTES

To: The Secretary of Offense
The White House

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

As requested, please find below the minutes from the first meeting held with the insurgents in Iraq.

Meeting with the representatives of
Iraqi Insurgents Association Inc. (IIAI)

Date: 3rd June, 2005
Time: 3pm
Location: Balad

Members-Present:
Representative of Ansar al-Sunna Army
Representative of Islamic Army in Iraq
Representative(s) of the Fairly Pissed-off Iraqi Population In General

Minister of Electricity (absolutely true, I am not making this up)
Senior US Military Officer
Senior US Lack Of Intelligence Officer
Representative of the CIA
Civilian Staff Aide from US Congress
Representative of the American Embassy in Baghdad

Absent: Abu Missing Al Zarkawi and Where's Ossama Bin Lately

Quorum present? Yes

Others Present:

-Paris Hilton (I am making this one up)

Proceedings:

Meeting called to order at 3:00 p.m. by the sound of a loud BANG outside the villa window, with everyone ducking under the table. (Later discovered to be a car back firing).

It was mutually and prematurely agreed to further hold such meetings. The Chair suggested, “Its damn good idea, and gets me out of the house for a change.”

Key Issues Discussed:

-Representatives of the Iraqi Insurgents Association requested a timetable for the US Exit Strategy (from Iraq). The Senior Lack of Intelligence Officer replied, “We don’t have one.” IIAI Representative reiterated the importance of a proper US exit strategy other than the current ‘body bags’ approach to the US personnel leaving Iraq. It was mutually agreed that ‘something must be done’ to address this issue.

- Minister of Electricity enquired about the number of power outages that the IIAI were aware, of other than the daily load-shedding disruption averaging 18 hours. IIAI representative said, “What electricity? We have electricity?”

- The Senior US Military Officer requested the IIAI to address the issue of the daily suicide attacks on the US Military. The IIAI representative requested further information on the subject. (“What do you want me to do about it?”). The Senior Military Officer replied, “Stop it!” The IIAI representatives mutually agreed to “see what we can do about it” and then burst out laughing.

-The Representative of the US Embassy in Baghdad requested the IIAI representatives to return back to their own countries and to “stop the terrorist attacks in Iraq.” The IIAI clarified that majority of the ‘insurgents’ in Iraq are Iraqis themselves and not outsiders. They further suggested the US Embassy representative to “stop believing in your own propaganda and to avoid watching CNN and Fox news as it was definitely taking a toll on his intelligence”. The representative from the US Embassy was flattered by their comment, and said “Thank you for the compliment.”

Other business:

-All parties agreed to have the representative of the CIA attend all future meetings as his contribution of ‘straightening chairs’ was invaluable.

-The Civilian staff aide from the US Congress requested the IIAI to forward a message of goodwill to the US Administration. They courteously replied with a “Sod off and die!”

Assessment of the Meeting:

Went quite well, although the falafel sandwiches left much to be desired.

Meeting adjourned at 3:10 p.m.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

A BRIEF ENCOUNTER OF THE PROSTITUTE KIND

X: Psssst!

Me: Yes?

X: Come closer honey, I won’t bite.

Me: Well, that’s a relief.

X: Do you wanna have some fun, darlin’?

Me: No thanks, I just had some.

X: Oh, c’mon! I can promise you some real hard-core action.

Me: I know, and that’s what I’m afraid of.

X: Hey, I’m desperate. If I don’t get your business, I’ll be in serious trouble.

Me: Why don’t you do something better with your life. Stop demeaning yourself like this. I’m sure you could make a better living.

X: Easy for you to say. You think I like doing what I do? They are people out there who would make my life a living hell, if I stop working the streets.

Me: I’m sorry; I didn’t realize things were so tough for you.

X: You have no idea. I’ve been walking the streets for the last 6 hours and my heels are killing me. I haven’t been able to convince a single guy to come with me.

Me: That is a shame but I’m sorry, I am still not interested.

X: Damn you!!

Me: I have twenty bucks in my wallet. Here, you can have it.

X: I don’t want your charity! I want you to come…

Me: You are wasting your time. I am not bloody interested! Get it?

X: But why?!!

Me: Because I am not from the US, and there is NO way that you, as a US Military Recruiter, can sign me up for your bloody War on Terror, which incidentally, is a complete farce to the majority of sane people of this world. Now fu** off and leave me alone!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

SPECIAL OFFER!!

The latest in designer streamlined Democracies now available only from the House Of Bush (HOB). HOB Democracies are extremely affordable, and specifically fashioned to suit the budget of all Middle Eastern countries. Trade in the ‘stability’ of your country for the latest in our range of customized, sham democracies to fit your growing need for a bleak and dismal future.

Each stylized HOB Democracy comes with its own ‘Election’ kit. It includes US sponsored candidates, a rigged electoral voting system, and a predetermined outcome complete with fraudulent data and statistics.

Take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer, and reap the numerous benefits of a HOB Democracy, which include (but are not limited to):

- The US exploitation of Oil and other rich natural resources
- A takeover of all profitable businesses/industries by the US multinationals
- The establishment of multiple US military bases
- Frequent homegrown and covertly sponsored ‘terrorist’ attacks on the general public
- A steadily rising level of poverty and unemployment
- A dismal level of civil and social amenities
- Total lack of public security
- Limited civil rights
- Lack of real press freedom and establishment of US sponsored media
- A steadily increasing number of human rights abuse cases
- And a government totally subservient to the wants and needs of the US

Please avail this special offer now as HOB Democracies are available for a limited time period only, otherwise the US might decide to invade your country.

Buy now and pay later (with you life, in one easy installment).

For further details, contact Condoleeza Rice on 1800-GET-CONNED.

This offer is not applicable for EU and US sponsored military dictatorship countries.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

RESPONSE TO THE DOWNING STREET MEMO

I apologize for the delay but I’ve been really busy with work but here is a brief response to the memo dated 23rd July, 2002.

SECRET AND STRICTLY PERSONAL -- UK & US EYES ONLY

TO: THE PRIME MINISTER

From: The Olive Ream (TOR)

Date: 19 June, 2005S 007 /05

cc: G.W.B. (Whitehouse)

This record is extremely sensitive. No further copies should be made. It should be shown only to those with a genuine need to know its contents and rest of the English speaking world.

I have summarized your intelligence (or lack thereof) as follows:

I always knew that the invasion of Iraq was an unjustified act of oppression by the Coalition Of The Willing-to-kill-innocent-people-and-to-devestate-a-nation-by-stealing-its-wealth-and-dignity.

Revelations in the Downing Street Memo have only helped further cement your image as the sycophantic, daft git. The sun HAS set on the British Empire so get over it! Aligning yourself with the fanatical and misled US government is not going to get it back for you. Neither is the US sponsored New World (Dis-)Order going to turn out the way it is envisioned. The amount of intelligence required to create and maintain a global empire is currently severely lacking among the residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and 10 Downing Street. Get over yourselves immediately!

Your avarice has lead to destruction and loss of innocent life and you ought to be held accountable for your crimes against humanity. You tried all means to justify your illegal actions but the people know you lied about Iraq. Now, the US is busy forging its evidence against Syria and Iran and (I am sure) your government is circulating new memos on how to prostitute itself for Washington in its future military endeavors in other Middle Eastern countries.

By the way the ‘War on Terror’ is as real as an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, so quit promoting it. It has only resulted in the deaths of more innocent people and you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Finally, instead of contributing towards an unprecedented trillion dollar Global military budget, use your money more wisely like funding stem cell research. May be you will be able to grow a spine for yourself and a brain for George W. Bush.

Love and kisses,

The Olive Ream

Sunday, June 12, 2005

UNIVERSAL ADVERSARY - COMING SOON(?)

The Homeland Security Council in association with the Department of Homeland Security present THE UNIVERSAL ADVERSARY. First, there were Commies, and then came the Terrorists, followed closely by the Enemy Combatants, and now comes the most frightening evil antagonist the world has ever known; the Universal Adversary (UA).

This horror masterpiece reveals 15 possible terrorist scenarios of the most frightening, sweat pouring, gut wrenching and bowel-moving nature, where the audience is left guessing as to the real identity of the villain. As explained by the creators, “Because the attacks could be caused by foreign terrorists; domestic radical groups; state-sponsored adversaries; or in some cases, disgruntled employees, the perpetrator has been named, the Universal Adversary (UA).”

What is most frightening about these scenarios is that all the ‘action’ happens after the terrorist incident has taken place. As described by the storytellers, “The focus of the scenarios is on response capabilities and needs, not threat-based prevention activities.”
How bloody horrifying is that?
------
Genres: Suspense/Horror

Running Time: Much longer than one would expect.

Release Date: Not known (but wide)

MPAA Rating: R for strong violence and gore, disturbing images and language.


PRE-RELEASE SCREENING - CRITICS REVIEWS

“…I think I suffered a coronary…” Washington Post

“…I want my mommy!” Boston Globe

“ …Definitely requires a box of tissues and a clean pair of underwear.” New York Post

“…I wet myself in the first four minutes, I was so scared.” Bill O’Reilly – Fox News

“…Well, don’t look at me. I didn’t do it!” O. B. Laden – Stroked Beard Gazette

Friday, June 10, 2005

SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE

I have received some complaints from readers regarding the content of my blog. They feel that I tend to concentrate on the negative and my posts are far too critical of the current US administration. I am humbled by the critique and do not take umbrage even though the comments were not worded quite as politely as mentioned above.

To address your concerns, I have decided to list all the positive changes that have taken place as a result of George W. Bush becoming president of the United States.
  1. He has helped me achieve a personal goal; I have finally managed to write the shortest article for this blog.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

REALITY OFFENDS

Majority of the mainstream music these days is insufferable, contemptuous and irrelevant. Want proof? Watch MTV sometime. It is the epitome of western cultural decay and apathy. I realize that I am generalizing and not all music aired on that channel is bad, but majority of the content of this Music Television Network is bloody awful.

Considering these rather gloomy times we live in, where the only remaining superpower is controlled by neo-fascists who are hell bent on global dominance, one would expect to hear many songs of protest and anger against the establishment. They are plenty of subject matters to choose from, courtesy the US government, but majority of these so-called artists are too self-obsessed or money hungry to come up with any relevant content for their songs that is reflective of our times. Apart from a few of the current crop of musicians, the rest of these rock and rollers are unconcerned with what is happening around the world, at least that is the impression one gets.

When it comes to using profanity, promoting sexual deviance, or demeaning faith, they are the first ones to fight for the right to free speech and are unwilling to comprise their artistic integrity. So what happens to their courage when their government lies to invade other countries and murders thousands of innocent people? I guess the US foreign policy is least of your concerns, when you are busy working on hits like Get Your Booty on the Dance Floor. I don’t expect the likes of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Justin Timberlake to wax lyrical about what ails the world, but the sexagenarian rockers like Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and the like, who have more money than most third world countries, ought to grow some testicles and sing a few protest songs for a change.

It is a sad indictment of our times when majority of the artistic voices are muted in the face of blatant western government hypocrisy and belligerence. These musicians have the means and a large fan base to accent their dissent and question authority but apparently they are too busy buying their eighth Ferrari, launching their own line of ridiculously priced merchandise that no one really needs or appearing on Oprah to candidly discuss their fourth failed marriage.

These are the same people who will now jump at the chance to be part of the line-up of artists who will perform for the Live 8 concerts, organized by Bob Geldof. It so nice of Bob to organize such events every twenty years so these artists can sleep comfortably in their beds at night knowing that they have done their required bit of philanthropy to end world hunger. Bastards!

I think it appropriate to end with lyrics from a song called ‘The Century Ends’ by David Gray (a real artist/musician in my view). Although he wrote this song for an album that was originally released in 1993, his words are particularly relevant now than ever before.

THE CENTURY ENDS - By David Gray

Try to focus on it all
Find a spirit of resistance
Instead of pride before the fall
Forge some opposition
From disparate strands
It ain't the prettiest position
As a century ends

Unstable situation
Faces made of wax
Streams of melting glass
Sheets of butchered facts
The roar of the machine
Hooded hearts and jewelled hands
And anger spilling out like gasoline
As a century ends

Everything I seen, everything that I heard
It ain't even the top of the iceberg
Fire down memory lane
So pass me my rose tinted glasses again

Through a fog of contradiction
Out to the lake of tears
See society admiring it's own reflection
Chase a light that shines and disappears
Careful what you say, 'cause reality offends
Just sit back and let your soul decay
As a century ends

And it's easy to get weary
As you fight to get it done
Against a popular theory

That it's over before it's even begun
Strain the limit of compassion
Tend a wound that never mends
And honesty still out of fashion
As a century ends



Saturday, June 04, 2005

THE MULLAH RUSE

Welcome to the Mullah Ruse. A burlesque cabaret for the new millennium, specifically designed, choreographed and produced by the global elitists, for the sordid pleasure of non-thinking, short-attention-spanned world audience.

In this show, the battle of Good vs. Evil is presented in spectacular song and dance routines, but with a primary aim of demonizing Islam and its followers. With a superb lineup of performers ranging from the fanatical religious lunatics with beards (the Mullahs) to the fanatical religious lunatics without beards (the Neocons). The concept, you will agree, is rather novel.

Pre-production involved the precise selection and nurturing of Muslim religious extremists who have completely skewed perception of their own religion. These are men who suffer from total ignorance, severe inferiority complex and archaic cultural norms. They exploited their own religion (Islam) to gain power and importance within their society, and now present their most horrifying and misguided view of Islam to the rest of the world by performing twice nightly in this risqué floorshow. How ironic that the idiots who exploit their own religion, are now being exploited themselves in helping to demean Islam.

Majority of the moderate mullahs and Muslim scholars who represent the real Islam, were refused audition to this show by the producers.

The other group of religious nut-bar extremists, in this contemporary live 'staged' event, are the Neocons. They represent the forces of Good and our in a continuous battle with the Mullahs to spread justice and freedom in primarily oil producing, Muslim countries. It is not surprising though that the Neocon performers are also the producers of this show.

The intended purpose of the show is to educate (brainwash) the audience while providing them with raunchy entertainment of a chorus line of hairy legs and long flowing beards. The idea here is to leave the theatre in a constant fear of your life from evil mullahs whose names include either ‘Bin’ or ‘Abu’ in the title.

The show’s popularity has exceeded expectations and the producers are promising new acts for the coming months, with performers from both Iran and Syria. As always, the performances will be aired on BBC, CNN, Fox News and all other major networks.

For those wishing to see the show live in the theatre, the price of admission is your own life. For those viewing on television it will only cost you your soul.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

QA WITH SM AT THE WH

What is presented below is my version of a typical Q & A session with Scott McClellan, the White House Press Secretary. Although this is a work of fiction, some of the bizarre responses by SM and the president are actually real. Check the footnotes for verification.

SM: Looks like we have a good group here tonight. I’ll go straight to the questions. Yes?

Q: What is the official response to the recent Amnesty International report accusing senior US officials of approving torture in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and other prisons?

SM: The charges are unsupported by the facts. (1)

Q: What facts are those?

SM: The fact that they never checked with the White House first before issuing their report; the fact that Amnesty based its report on statements by ex-detainees and other verified and credible news reports; and the fact that most of the officials in question were not even aware they would be blamed for the tortures they approved.

Q: So you admit they are guilty.

SM: I never said that!

Q: Scott, what planet are you from?

SM: What?!

Q: Never mind. What is the Administration planning to do about the mess in Iraq?

SM: The US is there by invitation. (2)

Q: Oh, really? Exactly by whose invitation did the US invade Iraq and murder 100,000 plus people?

SM: What I mean is the US is currently there because of the request of the democratically elected government in Iraq.

Q: And they requested the US to create conditions of civil war?

SM: Those conditions have been created by the insurgents, outsurgents, and the somewhere-in-between-surgents! The US is only responsible for providing the necessary equipment and training to the Iraqi police force to maintain peace and order.

Q: That must be why most of the troops and Iraqi personnel drive around in vehicles with no armor plating and the number of suicide bombings have increased of the last few months.

SM: Exactly!

Q: You don’t have a clue what I’m talking about, do you Scott?

SM: Not exactly, no.

Q: Could you please explain to us the logic behind the US decision to weaponize space.

SM: Sure. The president believes that this is a crucial step in spreading democracy and freedom. The whole idea behind this specific star wars program is to destroy all extremist, Ossama-supporting terrorist satellites circling the earth.

Q: And which ones are those?

SM: All the ones not owned and controlled by the US military.

Q: What is the president’s response to the recent Amnesty Internal report?

SM: The president believes that charges are absurd. He said that the terrorists are trained to lie to humanitarian and civil rights groups. (3)

Q: Are they also trained to torture themselves in inhumane ways, and murder themselves in some cases?

SM: I think we have discussed this issue enough, I’d rather you move on to another question.

Q: Fine. Where’s Jeff Gannon?

SM: I’m sorry, that is all the time we have for today. Thank you all for coming.

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1- This is an actual quote from McClellan, as quoted by Bob Dart in his article dated 05/26/05. You can find it here.

2- Helen Thomas, during a press briefing (05/25/05), nailed McClellan to the wall. The actual exchange is a lot funnier than anything that I could come up with. You can see it here.

3- This is a quote from George Bush, which I incorporated into this article. It is from an article by Liza Porteus dated 05/31/05. You can see it here.