Wednesday, May 11, 2005


Rumsfeld: Pay attention Dammit! Now then, these are the photos of possible Al Qaeda terrorists we are looking for. Anyone seen ´em? Anyone? No? Our intelligence indicates that these guys are about to conduct another terrorist attack....very soon, as a matter of fact.

US: What?!! Another attack? How do you know?

Rumsfeld: What do you mean, how do we know? Aren’t we showing you the photos? What more proof do you need?

US: Yes, but you said you are looking for them.

Rumsfeld: That is correct.

US: Well, if you don’t know where they are, then how can you claim they are planning another attack?

Rumsfeld: What?

US: You heard us! How do you know they are planning another attack? Besides, two people in these photos are already in your custody. How can that be?

Rumsfeld: What?! Are they? Who said?

US: The alternate press reported that based on the administrations earlier claim.

Rumsfeld: Well, who are you going to believe, me or the administration?

US: What?

Rumsfeld: uh, I mean, who are you going to believe, me or the press.

US: So, if there is another attack imminent, that you are so sure of, how come the threat level is still YELLOW?

Rumsfeld: Is it? Well, it is meant to be ORANGE. Don’t worry it will be changed tomorrow.

Chertoff: No, it is not!

US: What?

Rumsfeld: Yeah, what?!

Chertoff: The threat level will not change to ORANGE, as we don’t have any credible proof yet regarding another attack.

Rumsfeld: Yes we do! Can’t you see the photos of these terrorists!! That means we have credible proof.

Chertoff: Yeah, well, does it look like I give rat’s ass? The threat level remains at YELLOW!

US: But why?

Chertoff: Cause it matches my tie, that’s why! Anyway, who are you to question me?

US: We are the people you are supposed to be protecting!

Chertoff: Who said? uh…I mean, yeah but don’t worry you’ll be fine. No credible evidence of an attack in the future.

Rumsfeld: LIAR! There’s going to be an attack and we are all going to die!!

Chertoff: We?!!

Rumsfeld: Ha ha! Sorry my bad. Not we, them.

US: You mean us?

Rumsfeld: Yes, who else?

US: But you should be preventing terrorist attacks from happening?

Rumsfeld: What gave you that idea?

US: Holy crap! What the heck is wrong with you guys? We want to speak to the President!

Chertoff: He’s not available. He’s currently busy spreading freedom and democracy in other countries.

Rumsfeld: Yes, and he has to meet the new Pope and let him know that an attack is likely to happen soon, so he better pray for you guys.

US: You know we are getting really pissed off now! Why can’t you do something to help protect us?

Rumsfeld: We are. We are going to attack Iran soon, and then possibly Syria around next Easter.

US: And how will that help us?

Rumsfeld: Well, as the President said, we will 'smoke these buggers out'. We will attack these countries, and they will retaliate by conducting suicide terrorist attacks, and as the attacks will be suicides, they’ll all be dead in the end.

US: But what about us?!!

Rumsfeld: Oh please grow up! We are trying to fight terrorism here!!

Disclaimer: Above is a completely fictional account of a briefing conducted by the DOD and DHS. Oddly enough, it seems quite real to me.


Anonymous john said...

I think I heard this same interview on FOX News while they were talking about thwarting a shoe bomber from blowing his feet off before taking over a plane to fly it into...oh just forget it.

12:08 AM  

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