Sunday, May 22, 2005


We have received a large number of queries from individuals and organizations from across the globe, asking us very specific and pertinent questions, (“what the f**k are you guys doing?”, “Are you guys out of your f**king minds!?”, “who the f**k do you think you are?”), regarding our current national and international policies.

Provided below, is the key doctrine that we follow, as detailed in our Holy book, A Neocon’s Guide For Global Domination And Other Short Stories. Hopefully, these will address most, if not all, your concerns regarding “what the f**k we are up to”.
Thy ultimate goal is global domination, and in order to ensure that thou achieve this goal in a relatively short period of time, the following creed must be abided by at all times.

1. We, the Mighty Neocons, are the chosen people and rulers of the earth. All others shall be known as Lesser Mortals.

2. Thou shall covet the natural resources of all other countries. Be it rich oil fields or a tray of Grade AAA, extra large eggs.

3. Thou shall destroy anything or anyone that keeps you from achieving Tenet no. 2, (and we are not talking about George).

4. For countries not rich in natural reserves, covet them anyway, who knows thouest might want to build a military base there one day.

5. Thou shall and must control all media outlets, unless owned by Rupert Murdoch. He’s a supreme Neocon, and expert in sponsoring our propaganda. Contact him if thou needs any advise regarding promoting shite.

6. Thou shall always support totalitarian regimes as part of thy system, as long as they support thy goals. Once thy goals have been achieved, expel them from thy system immediately like a bad case of diarrhea.

7. Thou shall apply the same rule (as Tenet no. 6) for exploiting terrorists.

8. Thou shall routinely use fake terrorist threats to covet riches, destroy thine enemy, and more specifically, scare the living s**t out of the Lesser Mortals.

9. Thou shall always pretend to be tolerant of other religions, while demeaning Islam and its followers, by various covert means.

10. Thou shall build a new stockpile of WMDs for thyself every fortnight, while hunting for nonexistent WMDs in other countries.

11. Thou shall never talk about the Fight Club. (We don’t want the Lesser Mortals to know about that film, or they might get ideas, if thou knowest what we mean).

12. Thou shall lie through your teeth, (or even dentures), whenever an opportunity arises.

13. Thou shall deny everything, if ever prosecuted with a truckload of existing evidence against your wrongdoings.

14. That reminds us, thou shall destroy all existing evidence against thyself forthwith.

Here endth thy lesson. Be well and Godspeed (80 MPH).


Blogger Anwaar Hussain said...

Excellent Omer. Assuming that Americans are the addressees, may I add...

1. Thou too shalt be our slaves for in our quest for global domination, we make no distinction.

2. Thou shalt remember at all times that free thinking is as punishable as the crime of murder. Thou shalt not think for free thinking leads to questions and questions need answers.


6:22 PM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

Thanks Anwaar for your comments. Your suggested tenets shall be added to the creed.

Actually, I just thought of one.

- Thou shall remove or block all sites or blogs that are critical of the supreme Neocons.
(I definitely see this happening in the not-so-distant future).

7:27 PM  

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