Monday, May 02, 2005


Has it been that long? It only seems like 24 years and 8 months to me. I for one would like to congratulate CNN for their remarkable news coverage. This channel has been my primary source of entertainment over the years. Seriously, I can’t think of any time that I laugh so hard as when I watch CNN news. No, I lie, I think Fox News has me in splits more often but I digress.

To mark the silver jubilee of this channel, I would like to forward a few suggestions to the network for consideration:

1. Move the CNN HQ from Atlanta to Washington D.C.

2. Divide air-time between two Anchor desks during the hourly news. One Anchor desk to be stationed in the Pentagon, and the other obviously in the White House Briefing room. This is suggested for the convenience of the current administration.

3. CNN abbreviation shall now stand for Compliant to Neocon agenda Network.

4. Hire personable celebrities, (like Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Bruce Willis) to anchor prime time news, as they will appeal to a larger audience, and have the same amount of experience of investigative journalism as the current lot of CNN anchors.

5. Replace the James Earl Jones voice-over “You are watching CNN” with the ones he recorded for Star Wars (as the voice of Darth Vader). The following V.O.s can be played, accompanying the CNN logo visual:

- “You don’t know the power of the dark side” (played in between stories of Al Qaeda/terrorist threat to the US)

- “I find your lack of faith disturbing” (played in between any current Condalisa Rice press conference with international journalists)

- “The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am” (played in between White House Press Secretary briefings, whenever journalists are critical of the President’s policies)

- “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen” (played in between press interviews/briefings with Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Carl Rove or any member of the PNAC).

I sincerely hope these suggested changes are incorporated by CNN in the future. If not, I might switch to Fox news permanently, which happens to be a far superior comedy channel.


Blogger Shahid said...


5:28 AM  
Blogger Shahid said...

How about:

"The force is strong in this one"
Played any time a journo sucks up to the neocons.

"I am your father"
Played whenever God is mentioned, with a superimposition of a suitable Dubya golfing repose image - to emphasise the transference of divinity to the Whitehouse

"Leave that to me"
Played anytime an embarrassing gaffe is mentioned by a journo who is not au faix with de-briefing protocol.

5:32 AM  
Blogger the olive ream said...

Brilliant suggestions Shahid. I shall include these in the revised version of my post when my Blog is published for posterity by the Smithsonian Institute. With due credit to you of course.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Zakintosh said...

Pleeeeez: Can I adapt some of these for PTV? ... where we now see a bevy of Pathetic Momins who receive vahies from up above. The vision they see, I believe, is uncannily similar to what the Prophet of the Israelites saw: a Bush on Fire. (Hmmm - maybe that explains some recent 'friendship moves'...)

2:43 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home