Saturday, May 28, 2005

STOP THE PLANET, I WANT TO GET OFF!

This can’t be happening.

It’s like watching a badly directed, R-rated, Arnold-starring, big budget Hollywood film, except that it has no foreseeable end and you can’t walk out the cinema hall because they have you tied to your seat and your eyelids are stretched open and taped to your forehead. The whole experience is making you unbearably nauseous but you are shocked that apart from a few people who are violently vomiting in their respective buckets of buttered popcorn, the rest of the audience is cheering on and applauding the insufferable git who happens to be the hero of this horrid movie. I understand 'willing suspension of disbelief' but this piece of tripe requires you to be on a bad acid trip in order to appreciate it.

What the bejesus am I on about? I am talking about these unbelievably incomprehensible and increasingly intolerable policies of the US superpower. The geniuses that brought you the US Patriot Acts, the Afghanistan invasion and Iraq war, (and all related ghastly consequences,) have taken another definitive step towards total insanity; the weaponization of space.

What a superbly brilliant idea! I mean, since the war on terror (in Afghanistan and Iraq) has gone so smoothly, with such surgical precision that there has been no loss of innocent human life, it is logical to take the next appropriate step and float some bombs into space. I for one, feel totally safe, don’t you? You should, and I’ll tell you why. While you were busy watching highly intellectual reality TV shows, the US has quietly put into place contingency plans for pre-emptive nuclear strikes on Iran and North Korea. That’s right, the Nuclear First-Strike Policy is now operational. Hurray!! Feeling secure now? I thought so.

Now just imagine the procreation of these two sexy policies and you can assuredly expect a lovely bastard child of consequence in the near future. “Sorry about that. We were intending to hit Iran but the massive solar radiation storm fried the circuits in our Nuclear-Armed satellite and we accidentally obliterated most of Azerbaijan. Oops!”

NASA’s Near Earth Object Program is spending millions of dollars trying to detect objects in outer space on a possible collision course to destroy the earth. For twenty-five cents, I could tell them to focus their search on DC to find the biggest threat to our planet.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

THE NEOCON CREED

We have received a large number of queries from individuals and organizations from across the globe, asking us very specific and pertinent questions, (“what the f**k are you guys doing?”, “Are you guys out of your f**king minds!?”, “who the f**k do you think you are?”), regarding our current national and international policies.

Provided below, is the key doctrine that we follow, as detailed in our Holy book, A Neocon’s Guide For Global Domination And Other Short Stories. Hopefully, these will address most, if not all, your concerns regarding “what the f**k we are up to”.
---------------------
Thy ultimate goal is global domination, and in order to ensure that thou achieve this goal in a relatively short period of time, the following creed must be abided by at all times.

1. We, the Mighty Neocons, are the chosen people and rulers of the earth. All others shall be known as Lesser Mortals.

2. Thou shall covet the natural resources of all other countries. Be it rich oil fields or a tray of Grade AAA, extra large eggs.

3. Thou shall destroy anything or anyone that keeps you from achieving Tenet no. 2, (and we are not talking about George).

4. For countries not rich in natural reserves, covet them anyway, who knows thouest might want to build a military base there one day.

5. Thou shall and must control all media outlets, unless owned by Rupert Murdoch. He’s a supreme Neocon, and expert in sponsoring our propaganda. Contact him if thou needs any advise regarding promoting shite.

6. Thou shall always support totalitarian regimes as part of thy system, as long as they support thy goals. Once thy goals have been achieved, expel them from thy system immediately like a bad case of diarrhea.

7. Thou shall apply the same rule (as Tenet no. 6) for exploiting terrorists.

8. Thou shall routinely use fake terrorist threats to covet riches, destroy thine enemy, and more specifically, scare the living s**t out of the Lesser Mortals.

9. Thou shall always pretend to be tolerant of other religions, while demeaning Islam and its followers, by various covert means.

10. Thou shall build a new stockpile of WMDs for thyself every fortnight, while hunting for nonexistent WMDs in other countries.

11. Thou shall never talk about the Fight Club. (We don’t want the Lesser Mortals to know about that film, or they might get ideas, if thou knowest what we mean).

12. Thou shall lie through your teeth, (or even dentures), whenever an opportunity arises.

13. Thou shall deny everything, if ever prosecuted with a truckload of existing evidence against your wrongdoings.

14. That reminds us, thou shall destroy all existing evidence against thyself forthwith.

Here endth thy lesson. Be well and Godspeed (80 MPH).

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

WELCOME TO PAX AMERICANA

Server: Welcome to Pax Americana. My name is George and I will be your server this evening.

Me: Hi George. May I see the menu?

Server: Sure, here you go.

Me: Thank you.

Server: So, what would you like this evening?

Me: Could you give me a minute to look through the menu?

Server: No problem, take your time. Our specials for today are WMD Stockpiles in Oregano Vinaigrette and Roasted Terrorists with Pomegranate Sauce.

Me: Thanks! But I’d rather read from the menu and….

Server: The chef recommends the War On Terror with Tomatoes and Mint Dressing. It is absolutely delicious!

Me: Well, I tried that the last time and I found that the War On Terror is a little difficult for me to swallow. Can you recommend something light?

Server: Alright. Let’s see…. We have a mouthwatering Spicy Axis Of Evil and Broad Bean Soup.

Me: Hmm…sounds tempting, but I’m afraid Axis of Evil might cause me flatulence as it sounds like a lot of hot air.

Server: I would also recommend our appetizing Iran’s Nuclear Threat with Goats Cheese and Tarragon.

Me: That sounds a bit too unbelievable for my taste. Maybe, I’ll just have a grilled cheese sandwich.

Server: Would you like Lies with that?

Me: No thanks; the sandwich will be just fine.

Server: But sir, all our meals come with Lies, and there’s no extra charge.

Me: Sorry but no! The Lies make me nauseous and I find them quite disgusting.

Server: May I also suggest our new dessert with your meal, a delectable slice of Democracy & Freedom Cake with Almond Cream.

Me: I’m sure others might feel it is worth dying for, or more appropriately, worth killing for but I certainly don’t think so. I think I just lost my appetite. I don't need anything right now so I’m just going to leave.

Server: Oh, no! That’s a darn shame. Well, maybe you will come back another time.

Me: Not blood likely!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

THE INTERVIEW

After several months of scratching backs, twisting arms, and fiddling with knobs, I was finally granted this world exclusive interview with a US Media Whore. To ensure absolute anonymity of the interviewee, he will be referred to as Midnight Cowboy (MC) in this article.

OR: So, let’s just get straight into it, shall we? When did you start prostituting yourself?

MC: Well, it wasn’t a childhood ambition, if that’s what you think. For me personally, it happened during the Iraq war.

OR: You mean the US invasion of Iraq? What happened?

MC: I got caught in the crossfire, and I …… I lost my testicles.

OR: But I thought you were embedded with the US military.

MC: Yes I was but I became a victim of friendly fire.

OR: So, how did that change you?

MC: I was scared at first, so I pretty much confined myself to reporting from inside the tank. The troops used to tell me what they saw outside and I would report that back to the network. But then I realized that due to the accident, I fortunately had suffered a complete loss of conscience, so as a result reporting became a lot easier for me.

OR: How?

MC: Well, it was difficult at times to report what even the US soldiers were seeing, as they did see a lot of destruction and loss of civilian life. So then, I just started reporting directly from the daily feeds from Centcom in Qatar and didn’t even bother leaving my hotel room.

OR: Were you paid well for selling yourself?

MC: Working for the network was good money but I knew with my talent, I could make a lot more. So I packed up my gear, and head back home, where I started prostituting myself within Washington circles. Hell of lot of big clients in DC, you know.

OR: Who was your best client?

MC: There’s so much competition between us media whores but I still managed to bag the White House.

OR: So how did that work out for you?

MC: It was the best. At first, I’d just submit my articles on weekends and they would edit the articles and return them back for publication. But then, over months our mutual attraction for each other grew. After a while, I wouldn’t even write the articles. They would just send them to me and all I had to do was to sign my name on it and submit them to the various publications they had recommended. Easy money!

OR: Are you still in the business?

MC: Of course! Who wouldn’t be with all this money they throw at you. Hey, I just supply what’s in demand. I’ve moved back though, from print media to television. Now, I’m getting paid large amounts of money, for whoring on a weekly news show. And the best part is, I am now a celebrity. People love me!

OR: Are there others like you?

MC: Hell ya! The country is full of them. Nearly every journalist here is prostituting for a quick buck. The only self-righteous nuts that are reporting the truth are the freelancers and bloggers on the Internet. What a bunch of losers! They think they can reverse the trend but us media whores are here to stay! There’s a permanent demand for sluts like us.

OR: Finally, do you have any message for our readers out there?

MC: Yeah, I’d just like to say that ‘media whoring’ is a legitimate profession and everyone needs to accept that fact. I am sick and tired of people complaining about the sorry state of journalism in the US media. Hey, get this through your thick skulls, this has been happening for many, many years. It is only in the last five years, that it has finally reached its peak. And for your information, it will stay there! Remember, this is the oldest profession in the world, and the current mainstream trend.

OR: What? Prostitution?

MC: No. Selling your soul to the devil.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

BLOG DISCLAIMER & FAQS

Disclaimer:

This blog is rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence action and some language. Parents are strongly cautioned. Some material will not be suitable for children under 13 and Bush supporters.

Blog Side effects: Some readers may experience Fatigue, Drowsiness, Nausea, Blurred Vision, Slurred Speech, Tremors, Euphoria, Impairment of Memory, Confusion, Depression, Constipation, Skin Rash, Generalized Exfoliative Dermatitis, Changes in Libido and Loss of Appetite.

The mentioned side effects remain for a short duration of time. However if you feel that they persist for a long period, please view the Fox channel immediately.

FAQs

Writing for this blog has been my first attempt at writing something that has been read by others. I appreciate the fact that a lot of you have actually taken the time out to email me your comments and I thank you for it. The response has been overwhelming but I just wished the messages had not contained so much profanity.

Before I get any more emails regarding the content of this site, let me address your concerns and answer some of your Future Annoying Questions (FAQs).

  • I am the sole author for the drivel on this site, even though the voices in my head tell me otherwise.
  • As to the style of my writing, I never knew I had one.
  • I am aware that my posts might be grammatically incorrect but I think it would be more appropriate to ask me if I give a sh*t. And here’s a ; to prove my point.
  • No, I am not an American, but I might play one on TV for large amounts of cash.
  • Yes, I am aware that Big Brother is watching and he is a bloody voyeuristic pervert and no, I will not stop posting to my blog.
  • No, I do not believe there’s a New World Order but I do believe in the existence of a New World Disorder.
  • Yes, I do like receiving compliments regarding my blog, but I much prefer wire transfers directly to my Swiss bank account.
  • No, I do not support Bush or Blair as they don’t play well with others. My mother warned me about people like them. She said, “Son, beware the minions of the antichrist, for they are quite thick and gittish.” I believe she was talking about them.
  • No, I am not very familiar with star signs, but I think I am ‘Vegetarius’.
  • Yes, there was a specific aim for starting this blog. It was to use the word ‘lugubrious’ in a sentence, and I think I just achieved my aim. Hurray!
  • Finally, for the genius that has emailed me asking for my email address, please seek professional help. In case you can’t afford it, here’s my email address again:

    over underscore email at yahoo dot com

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

PAY ATTENTION DAMMIT!

Rumsfeld: Pay attention Dammit! Now then, these are the photos of possible Al Qaeda terrorists we are looking for. Anyone seen ´em? Anyone? No? Our intelligence indicates that these guys are about to conduct another terrorist attack....very soon, as a matter of fact.

US: What?!! Another attack? How do you know?

Rumsfeld: What do you mean, how do we know? Aren’t we showing you the photos? What more proof do you need?

US: Yes, but you said you are looking for them.

Rumsfeld: That is correct.

US: Well, if you don’t know where they are, then how can you claim they are planning another attack?

Rumsfeld: What?

US: You heard us! How do you know they are planning another attack? Besides, two people in these photos are already in your custody. How can that be?

Rumsfeld: What?! Are they? Who said?

US: The alternate press reported that based on the administrations earlier claim.

Rumsfeld: Well, who are you going to believe, me or the administration?

US: What?

Rumsfeld: uh, I mean, who are you going to believe, me or the press.

US: So, if there is another attack imminent, that you are so sure of, how come the threat level is still YELLOW?

Rumsfeld: Is it? Well, it is meant to be ORANGE. Don’t worry it will be changed tomorrow.

Chertoff: No, it is not!

US: What?

Rumsfeld: Yeah, what?!

Chertoff: The threat level will not change to ORANGE, as we don’t have any credible proof yet regarding another attack.

Rumsfeld: Yes we do! Can’t you see the photos of these terrorists!! That means we have credible proof.

Chertoff: Yeah, well, does it look like I give rat’s ass? The threat level remains at YELLOW!

US: But why?

Chertoff: Cause it matches my tie, that’s why! Anyway, who are you to question me?

US: We are the people you are supposed to be protecting!

Chertoff: Who said? uh…I mean, yeah but don’t worry you’ll be fine. No credible evidence of an attack in the future.

Rumsfeld: LIAR! There’s going to be an attack and we are all going to die!!

Chertoff: We?!!

Rumsfeld: Ha ha! Sorry my bad. Not we, them.

US: You mean us?

Rumsfeld: Yes, who else?

US: But you should be preventing terrorist attacks from happening?

Rumsfeld: What gave you that idea?

US: Holy crap! What the heck is wrong with you guys? We want to speak to the President!

Chertoff: He’s not available. He’s currently busy spreading freedom and democracy in other countries.

Rumsfeld: Yes, and he has to meet the new Pope and let him know that an attack is likely to happen soon, so he better pray for you guys.

US: You know we are getting really pissed off now! Why can’t you do something to help protect us?

Rumsfeld: We are. We are going to attack Iran soon, and then possibly Syria around next Easter.

US: And how will that help us?

Rumsfeld: Well, as the President said, we will 'smoke these buggers out'. We will attack these countries, and they will retaliate by conducting suicide terrorist attacks, and as the attacks will be suicides, they’ll all be dead in the end.

US: But what about us?!!

Rumsfeld: Oh please grow up! We are trying to fight terrorism here!!

-----
Disclaimer: Above is a completely fictional account of a briefing conducted by the DOD and DHS. Oddly enough, it seems quite real to me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

STAR WARS – EPISODE VII

With the release of the third, (and what was considered to be the final), installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, come surreptitious mutterings from inside the Lucas camp for yet another Star Wars movie. Upon further investigation (talking to my cousin, who happens to be an ardent fan of SW) I am delighted to report that there will be an Episode VII coming out in 2008. For the fans, this news will cause great excitement and would result in synchronous leakages of various bodily fluids.

Details are sketchy as to the storyline but an insider (Security Guard in my office building) revealed that the proposed title for the next SW movie is, The Sith Returnth To Spread Freedom & Democracy. What has been revealed so far, are the new, main characters in Episode VII.

Gongonapier: An alien from the suburbs of the Prat Galaxy. Looks like Paul Wolfowitz in drag, and possess the personality of gnat. He is the Chairman of the Communion Of Nasty, Nefariously Evil Darths (CONNED), and is a freelance prostitute on weekends and public holidays.

Darth Fart: A flatulent git and the sole beneficiary of the Emperor’s fast food franchise. A gold medallist of the Light Saber competition in 4085 Olympics, he was awarded an Honorary Doctorate, for his work in promoting the Dark Side of The Force, at the young age of 14. Known also as Lord Wind, he commands the CONNED fleet, and is a member of secret society called Cranium and Carcass.

Billy Bob Skywalker: The bastard child of Luke Skywalker, he is the main protagonist of the film. The force is not with him but he owns a yellow light saber, and has a white belt in Karate. He use to be a rabid drug user before he joined the rebellion, but now is a member of fanatical religious group the White Crusaders. He leads the rebellion via Internet, as he lacks the IQ and the courage to join the rebel forces. He also has two front teeth missing.

Paris Hilton is the only cast member selected so far. She will be playing herself and the female lead in the movie, as George Lucas believes that she is already from another planet.

Pre-production work has already commenced on the film, as George has confined himself to watching only Fox news, (for inspiration), to come up with an over-the-top and out-of-this-world script.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

CONCERT REVIEW

BUSH - FREEDOM TOUR
MAASTRICHT, Netherlands

Considered to be this year’s best live act, Bush – The Freedom Tour, is pulling in large number of audiences all across Europe. His latest stop was at the venue in Netherlands. Thousands of adoring fans had lined up for hours, in the pouring rain, to buy the tickets to see this special performance. Needless to say, Bush did not disappoint. The crowds were left screaming, and cheering, as he belted out hits after hits from his latest album, Freedom - you know you want it!

The impressive 90-minute performance from this five-octave vocal range superstar was his best live performance yet. Accompanying Bush were his immensely talented Neocon Band members, with Rumsfeld on drums, Rice on bass, Cheney on lead guitar and band lyricist Wolfowitz playing the tambourines. The band rocked the venue, with hits like:

- Democracy this and freedom that
- Evil-doers but I certainly don’t
- Where’s Ossama bin lately?
- After I-raq and I-ran to you
- Kim Jung il but I’m doing fine

The crowd could not get enough of Bush & the Neocons, so the band returned for an encore, performing an extended cover version of Public Enemy’s classic hit, ‘911 is a joke in yo town’.

Bush’s next stop is Moscow, where he is scheduled to perform on Monday’s Red Square victory celebration.

Concert rating: ***1/2

Saturday, May 07, 2005

THE RETURN OF THE TOMB RAIDER

Hollywood star and UN goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie met with President Gen. Musharaf at his office in the capital Islamabad, to discuss the fate of millions of Afghan refugees currently residing in Pakistan.

Musharaf: Welcome to you, Miss Jolly!

Jolie: Thank you Mr. President, and its ‘Jolie’ not Jolly.

Musharaf: Oh! I’m sorry, Ms. Jolie. Must have been a typo on my daily briefings. I’ll have my secretary shot immediately.

Jolie: Oh no! that’s not necessary!

Musharaf: Just kidding with you, Miss Jolie.

Jolie: Mr. President, I wanted you to know that UN is very grateful to Pakistan for playing host to the millions of Afghan refugees. The plight and the welfare of these refugees is a matter of utmost importance to the UNHCR.

Musharaf: Believe me Miss Jolie, when I tell you that this ISSHOO is very close to my heart as well and…

Shuakat: (from behind the sofa): And mine!!

Musharaf: Holy Shrine! Mr. Aziz, what are you doing here?!

Jolie: Hello Prime Minister, nice to see you again.

Shuakat: Hi Angelina. I just thought I’d be present in this meeting to help you reiterate the importance of the Afghan Refugee issue.

Musharaf: Yeah right! We all know why you are here Shaukat, so cut the crap!

Musharaf: So, as I was saying, I believe that UNHCR should…

Jolie: EEEEAAAHH!!

Musharaf: What’s the matter, Miss Jolie?

Jolie: There’s someone behind the curtain.

Musharaf: Come out at once, whoever you are.

Sherpao: Hello Angelina! I thought I’d be present as well during this meeting as the Afghan Refugee issue is of grave concern to my family members and me.

Musharaf: Miss Jolie, let me introduce to our Interior Minister, Mr. Aftab Sherpao.

Jolie: We’ve met already. I had meeting with him earlier today.

Musharaf: Oh you have, have you?

Sherpao: Yes, but we never finished our conversation. I have a lot more information on the subject of Afghan refugees…

Musharaf: Shut up and go sit over there.

Musharaf: Now, before I start, are there any other persons hiding in this room that I should know about.

Shaukat: No.

Sherpao: None.

Jolie: Not that I am aware of.

Rashid (from under Musharaf’s desk): Yes!

Musharaf: Whooaa!! Who’s under there? Get out, now!

Rashid: Ms. Angelina, I am Shiekh Rashid. Slamaalekum! I am the Federal Minister of Information and Broadcasting, and I am an Afghani Refugee.

Musharaf: What?!

Rashid: Uh, I mean, I have all the information on Afghani Refugees you will ever need to know or broadcast.

Jolie: Pleased to meet you.

Rashid: Really?!

Musharaf: Sheikh saab, mouth shut! Go stand in the corner.

Musharaf: So, Miss Jolie, as I originally intended to say, I think it would be appropriate that UNHCR maintained refugee camps should be relocated to areas within Afghanistan and…

Rashid: Angelina, they are saying that, you are having one affair with Brad Pitt?

Musharaf: Rashid, shut it!

Angelina: Mr. President, I agree with you that the camps ought to be stationed inside Afghanistan. The UN is certainly grateful that Pakistan has for so many years helped the refugees in…

Rashid: Ms. Jolie, can I get one autograph for my nephew?

Jolie: Sure, what’s his name?

Rashid: Just make it out to ‘ my beloved Sheikh Rashid'

Musharaf: That’s it! I’ve had enough! Ms. Jolie, I think it would be appropriate if we carry on our conversation at my residence. We can have a spot of lunch as well.

Shaukat, Sherpao and Rashid (in unison): Can we come?

Musharaf: NO! It will just be Miss Jolie and me….. and of course, Mrs. Musharaf and her bridge club.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

DIPLOMACY INACTION

W. H. Operator: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. President. But there is an urgent, person-to-person collect call for you from overseas. Will you accept the charges?

Bush: Who is it?

W. H. Operator: It’s Kim, sir.

Bush: Kim? …. Oh, yeah! She used to be a member of my cheerleading squad, back in my Yale days. Sure, I’ll accept the charges.

Kim: Herro?

Bush: Kim darlin’, how the heck are ya?

Kim: Bush, it’s me. Kim Jong il.

Bush: ill? Why, what’s wrong? Your voice does sounds a bit weird.

Kim: No, you clazy foor! I am Kim Jong Il, Reader of the Democlatic Peopres Lepubric of Kolea.

Bush: What?! Had I known it was you, I would have never accepted the charges. You are the President of the Axis Of Evil club!

Kim: I’m not onry the plesident, but I’m arso a crient!

Bush: Cut the crap Kim! What’s the problem?

Kim: The plobrem is your Lice.

Bush: But Laura had me deloused just last week.

Kim: No you idiot, I mean Condarisa Lice!

Bush: Oh, Rice! What about her?

Kim: Why she thleatning Norf Kolea?

Bush: Why are you testing missiles? Isn’t that a threat to world peace?

Kim: That test was necessaly. We show you we can plotect flom any attack on Homerand.

Bush: Our intelligence tells us that you are preparing a nookular test site.

Kim: You have no interrigence, …you….you stupid! Haha!

Bush: Watch your mouth, Kim. You better not misunderestimate our strength. We have great resolve, and we will teach you a lesson you won’t soon forget.

Kim: What resson? I folget arleady!

Bush: If you don’t watch yourself, we will…..we will…

Kim: You wirr what?

Bush: We will attack I-ran! We will hit them so hard, that you’ll feel it.

Kim: Yeah light! You chicken. You don’t mess with Norf Kolea, because you know we leady fol you anytime, big boy!

Bush: Shut the heck up, four eyes! You and your stupid haircut can kiss my Texas ass! .... Jerk!

Kim: Plick!

Bush: Evil Do-er!

Kim: Asshore! (click).

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

RADIO DAYS

During my university days in Pennsylvania, I applied for job to host a weekly 1 hour show on a public radio station. I remember the excitement of waiting to receive my licence, expecting it to look like an FBI badge; a leather-cased ID with my photo, signature and printed in big bold letters would be the letters PRDJ (Public Radio Disc Jockey). Flashing this licence in front of unsuspecting 18-year-old female students would cause them to swoon and fall at my feet.

My dream was shattered when the station manager handed me my licence. It was nothing like I had imagined. It was a wrinkly, old, yellow piece of paper, with my name misspelled in blank ink. What a jib! The local FCC office must have hired kindergarteners to make this crap. But I guess I had no reason to complain as I hadn’t paid jack for it (and obviously jack wasn’t too happy about that).

Mind you, the test to qualify as a public radio DJ was a fairly difficult process.

Station Manager: Who wants to be a DJ? We have a 3 pm slot open for Wednesdays.

Me: Me!!

Station Manager: Great, you’re hired. Report back here tomorrow morning for a Voice test.

Me: Shouldn’t that be conducted before someone is hired?

Station Manager: Do you want to be Station Manager?!

The voice test results were surprising to say the least. I know I wasn’t expecting to hear myself sound like James Earl Jones but God Almighty! I sounded like Andy Kaufman speaking through the butt of Gerbil that is trapped inside a canvas bag placed at the bottom of a deep well. I sent my demo tape the head of the Linguistics department at my university, and his best guess was that I was speaking in some ancient form Aramaic, (in reverse).

Following the successful completion of my voice test, I went through a detailed studio orientation program, conducted by the Station Manager.

Station Manager: You see those 8-track looking, blue tapes over there? That is your complete song selection. The other batch of black tapes over there, are your public service announcements. That dial on the console has to be turned up to level 3 before you speak into the microphone. When you’re done speaking turn the dial back down to 0. Play songs throughout the hour; mention the call sign every 10 minutes; play the PS announcements every 15 minutes; report the weather every 30 minutes; read the news headlines every hour. The Swear Words List is pasted above the console, avoid saying them on air, or else the FCC will have your ass. That’s all, good luck with your show!

Me: Yes, but where is the ON switch?

Understandably, the first few shows were a nightmare. I suffered massive coronaries because of the mistakes I made while on Air. The worst of them was Dead Air pauses which happened frequently due to equipment failure, tapes not being rewound, or just simply me forgetting to speak. I had to come up with creative explanations for Dead Air pauses, like the following:

That was my rendition of Simon & Garfunkel’s famous hit, 'The Sound of Silence'.

Playing the bloody public service announcements, every 15 minutes, was a major hindrance to my already disastrous show. The announcements were all so varied from ‘Don’t Drive Drunk’ to other really silly ones like ‘Don’t forget to tie your shoelaces’ or ‘Don’t break wind in public’. And I had to play them all.

One incident caused a serious panic with the Station Manager. I had just finished playing the ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ PS announcement, and I slotted in a Bob Dylan track (which I had not heard before), which included the line “Everybody must get stoned”. And the bastard Dylan just didn’t sing it once, but repeated it 5 times during the song! I had sweated a pint by the end of that show.

Being nervous during the show caused serious memory lapse. I kept forgetting the call sign of the radio station during the shows.

You are listening to Classics Hits on WXRV, ..no sorry, that’s WRXV, Damn! that’s WRVX??….WRVW?…WBMW? Bugger! Bollocks! Merde!

At least I remembered not to use swear words familiar to an American listening audience.

Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck by the end of each show. As a result, my grades fell; I started smoking 3 packs a day, and started drinking heavily. (I couldn't afford alcohol so I drank the next best thing; apple cider past its expiry date). By the fourth week, I was even suffering from serious hair loss. And the few remaining hairs on my head were turning white in their gallant effort to cling on to dear life. I finally realized why the Station Manager was bald.

These damn shows were killing me, so I prayed to the Almighty for a miracle. And the miracle appeared rather expeditiously in the form of Public Radio Demographics for the Williamsport Area. I realized I was doing shows for a total audience of 4, which included a 67-year-old lady, a retired Vietnam vet, the Station Manager’s wife, and her 2-year-old dachshund named Toby.

The shows after that were superb. I did not falter once, and quite enjoyed my weekly radio show. I even got a live request on air for the first time, from a member of the listening audience. It was that 67-year-old lady calling to complain about the revolting music I was playing. Damn! I really miss my DJ-ing days….sigh.

I wish I had collected the recordings of my weekly show before I left the university. The last I heard, I think the Linguistics Department transcribed them for Mel Gibson to use in his script for The Passion of the Christ.

Monday, May 02, 2005

25 YEARS OF CNN

Has it been that long? It only seems like 24 years and 8 months to me. I for one would like to congratulate CNN for their remarkable news coverage. This channel has been my primary source of entertainment over the years. Seriously, I can’t think of any time that I laugh so hard as when I watch CNN news. No, I lie, I think Fox News has me in splits more often but I digress.

To mark the silver jubilee of this channel, I would like to forward a few suggestions to the network for consideration:

1. Move the CNN HQ from Atlanta to Washington D.C.

2. Divide air-time between two Anchor desks during the hourly news. One Anchor desk to be stationed in the Pentagon, and the other obviously in the White House Briefing room. This is suggested for the convenience of the current administration.

3. CNN abbreviation shall now stand for Compliant to Neocon agenda Network.

4. Hire personable celebrities, (like Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Bruce Willis) to anchor prime time news, as they will appeal to a larger audience, and have the same amount of experience of investigative journalism as the current lot of CNN anchors.

5. Replace the James Earl Jones voice-over “You are watching CNN” with the ones he recorded for Star Wars (as the voice of Darth Vader). The following V.O.s can be played, accompanying the CNN logo visual:

- “You don’t know the power of the dark side” (played in between stories of Al Qaeda/terrorist threat to the US)

- “I find your lack of faith disturbing” (played in between any current Condalisa Rice press conference with international journalists)

- “The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am” (played in between White House Press Secretary briefings, whenever journalists are critical of the President’s policies)

- “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen” (played in between press interviews/briefings with Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Carl Rove or any member of the PNAC).

I sincerely hope these suggested changes are incorporated by CNN in the future. If not, I might switch to Fox news permanently, which happens to be a far superior comedy channel.