Sunday, April 24, 2005

A VISIT TO THE DHS

Mike: Welcome to the DHS. Hi, my name is Mike Chertoff and I am the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. As you can imagine, we have strict regulations regarding not allowing any non-DHS personnel to enter into our offices, …which is why I am wondering how the hell you got in?

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, I am Bill O’Reilly from Fox news.

Mike: Oh right! Sorry I didn’t recognize you.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, would it be possible that next time I visit you, I could avoid going through the full security check at the entrance? I mean, I don’t mind the eye-scan, and finger printing but the delousing and the anal probe was pretty harsh.

Mike: Sorry about that, Bill. They made a mistake, the eye-scan and fingerprinting procedures are not meant for Media personnel.

Bill: So, Mike…can I call you Mike?

Mike: No.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, can you tell me about the room we are in.

Mike: Sure. We are currently in the main operations room. This is the heart of the DHS. This is where all the crucial investigative and analytical work gets done. We have civilian and military personnel working…

Bill: Wow! Those are huge video screens on the wall. Awesome! Do you have surround sound with that?

Mike: No. As I was saying we have civilian and military personnel, 57 on this floor alone, each one with their own workstation. All computers are networked to the main intelligence database stationed on the third floor of this building. From here we are able to…

Bill: What’s that on the big screen, over there?

Mike: That’s the map of the United States of America, Bill!

Bill: I knew that. So what are those red dots on the map?

Mike: Each dot on the map indicates a possible terror suspect. We track them by…

Bill: Damn! There’s a lot of those red dots. How many are there,.. about 20?

Mike: 187, Bill.

Bill: Holy Crap! That’s a lot! I think we have to kill them all before they attack us.

Mike: They are classified as suspects for now, so we just track them.

Bill: No! These guys just want to kill us for our freedom, we have to destroy them now!

Mike: Calm down Bill!

Bill: All these guys are here because of Ossama, ..No! they're here because of that other guy, Al karzawi! I bet all these dots are working for him.

Mike: Our intelligence does indicate that Al ZARKAWI might have access to nuclear, biological or chemical weapon. But we don’t know…

Bill: Oh God! … we are all going to die!! We have to hit the alert button to warn the public..I mean, the President!

Mike: Get a grip on yourself man!

Bill: Change the alert level to ‘High’! We are under attack by those flaming red dots!
I want my mommy!!!

Mike: Security, get this man out of here, at once!

Bill: No! I wanna hide in your bunker, please!!!! I don’t wanna die!!

Security: Where do we take him, sir?

Mike: Well, you can’t let him go, in his state of mind. He will create a massive panic in the public. I tell you what, take him to the PNAC head quarters.

Security: Why there, sir?

Mike: ‘cause he’ll fit right in, and nobody will notice the difference.

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