Friday, April 22, 2005

STEAMED RICE

They’re all a bunch of bastards! I travel all over the world meeting with these miserable leaders of these godforsaken countries and they just do not seem to appreciate our noble efforts in fighting the war on terror. Single-handedly, I might add!

I am putting in all this effort in spreading the President’s message of democracy and freedom, and what reaction do I get from them? Nothing! There’s just this blank look of “what the hell are you talking about, lady?” And I swear, every time I finish my meeting and leave the room, I can hear them laughing behind my back.

Putin is the worst of the lot. On my recent visit, when I told him that his government was power hungry, and needed to promote press freedom, he just said, “Yeah, right! You ought to talk.” What did he mean by that?

And I swear, every time I bring up the issue of nuclear proliferation, there are always smartass comments like, “Get rid of yours and then we’ll talk” or “address this issue with Israel first”. It is so damn frustrating talking to these people. They have no sense of protocol of how to behave with the world’s only super power. I mean, here we are, going out of our way to promote democracy and freedom in their countries, and they have the audacity to ask as to mind our own business. Ungrateful fools!

And the foreign press is so infuriating. They ask such inappropriate questions sometimes that it is difficult for me to keep my cool. Why do they keep bringing up the war in Iraq, the missing WMD weapons, or Ossama Bin Ladin? None of that matters anymore. We need to address the urgent issue of Iran’s nuclear capability and Syria’s support of the Hizbullah. When I brought up the issue of UN corruption in Iraq’s oil for food program, this foreign journalist asked me, “What about the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq’s oil revenues?” Do you see what I have to put up with?!

I just knew there was catch when the President offered me this position. “It is great job. You get to travel, meet lots of interesting people, give ultimatums and get lots of press doing your job.” I am always jet lagged, I hate most of the heads of states I meet, I can’t stand foreign food and I never get to see any of those cool, touristy places - my job sucks!

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