Saturday, April 30, 2005

TEXAS KICKS ASS!

For years I kept all my nonsensical rants well hidden within the pages of my personal journal. Then, one fateful august morning, while surfing the net for information on the mating habits of a typical White North American Senator, I quite accidentally, double-clicked myself on to a web site that changed my life forever.

This was no ordinary web site; it was an online journal, more popularly known as a blog, of an individual of North American decent, who had deemed it appropriate to share his daily thoughts and insights with the rest of the world. Although the commentary primarily focused on married life, the blog often swayed towards analysis of the US political scene. I have had the opportunity to read Fisk, Pilger, Said and even Chomsky but I had never come across intellect of this level. Reading the blogger’s words for the first time, not only resulted in considerable hemorrhaging within the most uncultivated regions of my brain but it also caused my unsuspecting rectum to prolapse.

Let me take this opportunity to provide you with a sample of his work:

Monday, April 3rd, 2004

Bitch! …forgot to buy beer again. What the f**k am I gonna to do now? There’s nothin good on tv. I watched the news again last night. What the f**k?! I don’t know what the hell is goin on over there in Irak. I mean we kicked their ass…yeahhh! But how come we’re still there? We should just nuke the place and get the hell out..f**k yeaahhh!

Bitch! ..just because we’ve got 3 kids, she wants me to marry her. I ain’t doin no such thing. I would only end up divorcing her the next day. I think I’ll just have to join the army to get away from her and those damn kids. At least I’ll get my own gun and then I can kill some stuff, f**k yeah!


Unfortunately for us, this blog disappeared after only 23 entries in 8 months of being online. Apparently, it was taken down after the author decided to post nude pictures of his unsuspecting girlfriend, and as a result, got sued by her parents.

In deep respect for the anonymous author and in memory of the “Texas Kicks Ass” Blog, I decided to start my own blog and post my own drivel for the world to read. By the world, I mean people who have access to the internet and who know the address to this blog. More specifically, I mean members of my immediate family who are forced at gunpoint to routinely view this site. F**k yeah!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A DEAD PARROT

I always thought Tony Blair was a bit thick, but I now admit that I was wrong in my initial assessment of him. He is more of malingering git, who cannot be bothered to come up with an original thought, even during the fag-end of his re-election campaign. But then again, it is foolish of me to expect him to show some semblance of sanity at this late stage in the game. Maybe he knows something that we don’t.

According to Tony, the attack on Iraq was legal and justified. Yes, well, it would be nice if you visited the planet Earth at least once Mr. Blair, then we’d send you (alone) on a month long vacation in Iraq, so you could actually find out what Iraqis really think of you and thought of your bloody war.

Maybe it is time for Blair to finally pull his tongue out of the back of Bush’s trousers. We all knew George was not adequately furnished in the brain department, but to see Blair turn into such a GW sycophant, speaks volumes about his own intelligence, or lack thereof.

What’s worrying about this demonic duo is their total lack of acceptance of the fact that some of us do not believe their lies no matter how many times they repeat them. It is like watching the shopkeeper from the Python sketch trying to convince us that he hasn’t sold us a dead parrot. “..no, he’s not dead, he’s resting.” Yes, and your war on terror isn’t a joke and we all feel much safer now.

Actually, for most voters, domestic issues are more important than Iraq, which is why Blair seems so confident about winning an unprecedented third-term. It does not matter a jot that he blatantly lied and supported the attack on another country which resulted in the deaths of hundred thousand innocent people. At least he got rid of Saddam, right? A double ‘Phew!’ for that! I mean that nasty ‘evil-doer’ was a major threat to the world, with his massive stockpiles of WMDs and his disturbingly itchy fingers.

So, what can we all expect from Blair if he gets elected for another term? I think more of the same. GW is about to pick a fight with Iran, and most likely Syria, and Blair is already puckering up his lips to kiss the presidential ass to show loyal support for another war on terror. Huzzah!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

A VISIT TO THE DHS

Mike: Welcome to the DHS. Hi, my name is Mike Chertoff and I am the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. As you can imagine, we have strict regulations regarding not allowing any non-DHS personnel to enter into our offices, …which is why I am wondering how the hell you got in?

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, I am Bill O’Reilly from Fox news.

Mike: Oh right! Sorry I didn’t recognize you.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, would it be possible that next time I visit you, I could avoid going through the full security check at the entrance? I mean, I don’t mind the eye-scan, and finger printing but the delousing and the anal probe was pretty harsh.

Mike: Sorry about that, Bill. They made a mistake, the eye-scan and fingerprinting procedures are not meant for Media personnel.

Bill: So, Mike…can I call you Mike?

Mike: No.

Bill: Mr. Chertoff, can you tell me about the room we are in.

Mike: Sure. We are currently in the main operations room. This is the heart of the DHS. This is where all the crucial investigative and analytical work gets done. We have civilian and military personnel working…

Bill: Wow! Those are huge video screens on the wall. Awesome! Do you have surround sound with that?

Mike: No. As I was saying we have civilian and military personnel, 57 on this floor alone, each one with their own workstation. All computers are networked to the main intelligence database stationed on the third floor of this building. From here we are able to…

Bill: What’s that on the big screen, over there?

Mike: That’s the map of the United States of America, Bill!

Bill: I knew that. So what are those red dots on the map?

Mike: Each dot on the map indicates a possible terror suspect. We track them by…

Bill: Damn! There’s a lot of those red dots. How many are there,.. about 20?

Mike: 187, Bill.

Bill: Holy Crap! That’s a lot! I think we have to kill them all before they attack us.

Mike: They are classified as suspects for now, so we just track them.

Bill: No! These guys just want to kill us for our freedom, we have to destroy them now!

Mike: Calm down Bill!

Bill: All these guys are here because of Ossama, ..No! they're here because of that other guy, Al karzawi! I bet all these dots are working for him.

Mike: Our intelligence does indicate that Al ZARKAWI might have access to nuclear, biological or chemical weapon. But we don’t know…

Bill: Oh God! … we are all going to die!! We have to hit the alert button to warn the public..I mean, the President!

Mike: Get a grip on yourself man!

Bill: Change the alert level to ‘High’! We are under attack by those flaming red dots!
I want my mommy!!!

Mike: Security, get this man out of here, at once!

Bill: No! I wanna hide in your bunker, please!!!! I don’t wanna die!!

Security: Where do we take him, sir?

Mike: Well, you can’t let him go, in his state of mind. He will create a massive panic in the public. I tell you what, take him to the PNAC head quarters.

Security: Why there, sir?

Mike: ‘cause he’ll fit right in, and nobody will notice the difference.

Friday, April 22, 2005

STEAMED RICE

They’re all a bunch of bastards! I travel all over the world meeting with these miserable leaders of these godforsaken countries and they just do not seem to appreciate our noble efforts in fighting the war on terror. Single-handedly, I might add!

I am putting in all this effort in spreading the President’s message of democracy and freedom, and what reaction do I get from them? Nothing! There’s just this blank look of “what the hell are you talking about, lady?” And I swear, every time I finish my meeting and leave the room, I can hear them laughing behind my back.

Putin is the worst of the lot. On my recent visit, when I told him that his government was power hungry, and needed to promote press freedom, he just said, “Yeah, right! You ought to talk.” What did he mean by that?

And I swear, every time I bring up the issue of nuclear proliferation, there are always smartass comments like, “Get rid of yours and then we’ll talk” or “address this issue with Israel first”. It is so damn frustrating talking to these people. They have no sense of protocol of how to behave with the world’s only super power. I mean, here we are, going out of our way to promote democracy and freedom in their countries, and they have the audacity to ask as to mind our own business. Ungrateful fools!

And the foreign press is so infuriating. They ask such inappropriate questions sometimes that it is difficult for me to keep my cool. Why do they keep bringing up the war in Iraq, the missing WMD weapons, or Ossama Bin Ladin? None of that matters anymore. We need to address the urgent issue of Iran’s nuclear capability and Syria’s support of the Hizbullah. When I brought up the issue of UN corruption in Iraq’s oil for food program, this foreign journalist asked me, “What about the missing 9 billion dollars of Iraq’s oil revenues?” Do you see what I have to put up with?!

I just knew there was catch when the President offered me this position. “It is great job. You get to travel, meet lots of interesting people, give ultimatums and get lots of press doing your job.” I am always jet lagged, I hate most of the heads of states I meet, I can’t stand foreign food and I never get to see any of those cool, touristy places - my job sucks!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I CAN HEAR THE HAARP PLAYING

Earthquakes, tsunamis, cyclones, tornadoes, hail storms, floods, melting glaciers, and my neighbor perspiring profusely a full 3 weeks before the arrival of the hot summer months, these are all signs of Global Warming.

Mother earth is mighty pissed off, and I don’t really blame her since we made it point to pollute the living s**t out of the planet. It has been a concentrated effort on our part to deplete its natural resources just so we can maintain a certain lifestyle. We continue to drill it full of holes looking for another drop of oil so that we can continue to drive our GMC truck and those we bought for each member of our family.

Things were bound to turn ugly sooner or later. Unfortunately for us, it has happened much sooner than we all expected. We needed at least a couple more hundred years before it all turned to crap.

With things as bad as they are (and progressively getting worse), I wonder if the blame should squarely lie on the worn out shoulders of polluted mother earth or should the blame be shared, at least partially, with our old friends at HAARP.

For those who don’t know, HAARP stands for High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, which is highly pretentious name in my view. I think a more appropriate title would be Highly Active Approach of Raping the Planet.

HAARP, based in Gokoma Alaska, has been presented as scientific and academic research program to exploit the ionosphere for Department of Defense purposes. But others, like Dr. Rosalie Bertell, believe there’s a much sinister purpose for HAARP. According to Dr. Bertell, “It would be rash to assume that HAARP is an isolated experiment which would not be expanded. It is related to fifty years of intensive and increasingly destructive programs to understand and control the upper atmosphere. …. The ability of the HAARP / Spacelab/ rocket combination to deliver a very large amount of energy, comparable to a nuclear bomb, anywhere on earth via laser and particle beams, are frightening.” (source: http://www.ratical.org/co-globalize/HAARPbg.html)

It is believed that both Russians and the Americans possess these weather weapons, which can potentially trigger droughts, floods, hurricanes and earthquakes. Leave it to the intelligence of these most powerful military countries to come up with the most innovative ways to destroy ourselves, and the planet we inhabit. Apparently, we are not destroying the earth fast enough for these idiots, so they have come up with a solution to help speed up the process.

I would like to conclude with an appropriate quote from Woody Allen:

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Monday, April 18, 2005

CELEBRITY NEWS AND VIEWS

I cannot fathom the deep fascination with the minutiae of celebrity lives. Who are these people and why should I give shit about them? What has Janet Jackson done for me lately? NOTHING! and I really don’t expect her too. Has Tom Cruise paid my rent, mowed my lawn or even help me take out the garbage? Not that I recall. Then why should I care that he attended a movie premiere of a film for which I am not getting at least 10% of the box office proceeds.

This unhealthy fascination with celebrity lives is disturbing to me but I do realize that I am in a minority. I can understand appreciating someone’s talent/skill in music, film or the performing arts but being aware of the frequency of your favourite star’s bowel movements is taking it a bit too far.

Worst of the lot is this current Michael Jackson trial. I don’t care if he slept in the same bed as Macualay what’s his f**k. You just need to look at his face to realize that he is a bit of thicko. He should have been arrested a long time ago for impersonating a human.

The crowning turd on this steaming pile of celebrity related programs are these garish reality TV shows. It is not enough that we watch them in movies or music videos, now we have to endure their ignorance and stupidity in living out their lives in front of the camera. This is voyeurism at its globally perverse level.

Paris Hilton and all the other reality TV celebrity freaks ought to be sent to Guantanamo Bay for a month long vacation full of torture and harassment. Now that would make a great reality television program!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

DO YOU QUALIFY AS A MEMBER OF THE PNAC?

Take the test, today and find out! Truthfully answer all questions listed below, and then calculate the results at the end test to find out if you can be part of this elite intellectual think tank of which Dan Quayle is a member. Don’t believe us? Check here: http://www.newamericancentury.org/statementofprinciples.htm

Key to scoring your answers: Yes= 5 points, No= 0 points.

1. Are you ethnocentric?
2. Are you racist?
3. Are you self-righteous?
4. Are you paranoid and delusional?
5. Do you believe in Hypocrisy as a positive trait?
6. Do you lack the ability of logical thinking?
7. Do you believe that it is stupid to think about the repercussions one's actions?
8. Do you believe that as an American, you are special?
9. Do you believe the ultra conservatives are the God’s chosen people?
10. Do you believe that US military budget should be tripled every year?
11. Do you believe in democratizing the sh*t of the Middle East and handing the whole region to Israel?
12. Do you believe in pre-emptive strikes on rogue states/America’s enemies?
13. Do you believe in pre-emptive strikes on America’s allies if you feel it will benefit the US?
14. Do you believe the US should build military bases in all countries of the world?
15. Do you believe the US should militarize space?
16. Do you believe Americans should give up most, if not all their rights, to win the war on terror?
17. Do you believe that the UN should confirm to reforms suggested by John Bolton?
18. Do you believe that the International Criminal Court should be abolished?
19. Do you believe all other countries except the US should abide by the Geneva Conventions?
20. Do you actually believe that current aims set out by the PNAC are realistic and should become a permanent part of the US constitution?

SCORES:

100-90: Welcome to the PNAC. You are member!
80-50: You can qualify to assist a PNAC member.
40-20: You are pathetic, and should be sentenced to watching Fox News for the rest of your life.
10-0: You are an enemy combatant and should be reported to the Department of Homeland Security.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

THE RAMPANT USE OF PROFANITY

WH INTERNAL MEMO – Confidential

Amendments to BFLWL

For the attention of all WH staff:

It has been brought to our attention, that certain WH personnel are using profane language in their verbal and written communication with other staff members. This is absolutely unacceptable. The President and the Vice President have set strict protocols for all staff working in the WH. The repeated use profanity is not only frowned upon, but is also punishable by 13 month jail sentence, as implemented at the commencement of the President’s second-term in office.

In tandem with existing guidelines of WH communication, the President and the VP have additionally added two more words to the Banned Four-Letter Words List (BFLWL). The following words shall not be used in any official or non-official WH communication (verbal or written):

- BUSH
- DICK

It is believed that these abhorrent and filthy words have no place in the WH and certainly not part of the language spoken by America’s moral majority. Therefore, in all future communication (written or verbal), President Bush will now be referred to, or addressed as, President Shrub or President Hedge. The VP has opted for various alternatives for his first name. He may be referred to as Woody or Johnson, although the Vice President is partial to Prick Cheney.

It is recommended that all WH staff strictly conform to the above.

Sincerely,
WH Chief of staff.

Post script: The above memo does not apply to the First Lady, she may call the President by any name she likes.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

MY BIG BROTHER

Of all my siblings, I love my big brother the most. Even though I have never really met him, I feel really close to him. My parents tell me he has always been around, keeping a watchful eye over me. I am happy to say our relationship has really grown over the past five years.

He is very protective of me, which is understandable considering the very difficult times we live in. He has made me aware that there are people out there who hate me because of my freedom and are willing to go to great lengths to harm me because of it. Come to think of it, I have never really ever met these people but big BRO says that they wear strange headgear, have long beards and speak in a strange and an unfamiliar language.

He promised me that he is doing all he can to protect me, and I trust him. He goes out of his way to keep me safe, like watching me 24 hours a day. He does feel though that a lot more can be done to protect my freedom. And to that end, he has suggested a few changes in my life. He says from now on, he will tap my phone, check all my emails and maintain all my medical and financial records. This is to ensure that this personal information is not being tracked by my enemies. He has also suggested that I get an iris-scan done, get a RFID chip implanted in my right shoulder and get tagged with a GPS ankle bracelet. These things will help in identifying me in large crowds and aid in tracking me down at any time, so that I can be kept safe from harm.

He said although an attack on me is entirely imminent, I should not let that fact concern me too much. As long as freedom is being protected, the threat to life isn’t that important.

I just wish everyone had a big brother like mine.

Monday, April 11, 2005

ADDENDUM TO PATRIOTIC ACTS I AND II

As part of the rules and regulations sited in Patriotic Act I and II, the following amendment is to be included as stipulated in the revised version of the Enhancement of Domestic Securities Act of 200*.

“Enemy Combatant” definition to include all individuals residing in the USA who fall under the following classification:

- People with long, flowing beards
- People in possession of curly hair and thick lips
- People with any form of head gear (turban, scarf, veil, shroud, mask, pall or even a blanket)
- People with thick, non-American accents
- People driving cabs in all major cities
- People not registered to vote
- People who are registered to vote as Democrat or Independent
- People who read alternative press news on the internet
- People who think they know what is going on
- People who ‘actually’ know what is going on
- People who think (period)
- An Enemy Combatant’s immediate family, in-laws, 2nd cousins twice removed (from the father’s side), and all their pets
- People who reside within a half-mile radius of some one classified as an Enemy Combatant
- People who campaign for the environment
- People practicing ascetic lifestyles
- People who watch foreign films
- People who know people who watch foreign films
- People who don’t watch Fox news
- People who dislike (or hate) Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Rielly
- People who don’t dress American
- People who work for Amnesty International or any Human Rights Group
- People who don’t go to church
- People who frequent mosques
- THE FRENCH (cause we just hate ‘em)

As per protocol, the above amendment does not have to be reviewed by the House or the Senate for immediate implementation.

Love & Kisses,
The Justice Department, in association with the Department of Homeland Security and the PNAC.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER

Sharon meets with Bush this week at the president's ranch in Crawford, Texas. It has been reported that the leaders will discuss the issue of evacuation of Israeli settlements in Gaza and West Bank. Yeah, right!

The meeting will likely go like this:

Sharon: Hi George.

Bush: Ariel, you fat SOB, long time no see. Welcome to my ranch, or as I call it my Love Shack.

Sharon: Cut the crap George, and lets get down to business.

Bush: Sure, why not. But before we start, can I get you a drink?

Sharon: Yes, Pepto-Bismol on the rocks. Got a bad case of heart-burn and foul taste of bile in mouth. Freaking ulcer is acting up again.

Bush: Ariel you gotta get some exercise. I freakin’ can’t even hug you because of your enormous belly.

Sharon: Now George, I agreed to meet with you on one condition, that you don’t meddle in our Israeli internal affairs. We are planning to evacuate a few settlements in Gaza, just for show purposes of course, but we are building adequately large number of new Israeli settlements in other areas of the occupied territory, so it all works out in the end.

Bush: Sure man, I hear ya. Wherever an Israeli lays his hat, that’s his home…

Sharon: ….Preferably on Palestinian territory. LOL!

Bush: I got no beef with that. They’ve got me saying all sorts of crap regarding Israel meeting its obligations blah, blah, blah and road map to peace, yada, yada, yada…but you know that is “official” for the world press.

Sharon: So, let’s just quickly discuss our next plan of action. I am getting hungry, I haven’t eaten anything in two hours!

Bush: Holy crap! you must be starvin’…. alright, so let’s just discuss the main issue. Who’s gonna start it up with I-ran. I think you guys should do it.

Sharon: Oh, c’mon! You know we never openly pick a fight. We do it ONLY clandestinely using Mossad. You guys should start.

Bush: Dude, we are already getting our ass kicked in Iraq. The boys there are so shit scared they openly fire on anything that moves, …. or doesn’t move, for that matter.

Sharon: That’s your mess, you clean it up.

Bush: What?!! … You were the only one insisting that we go after Sad-um ASAP. We both wanted him out and he is out. Now I-ran needs to go and you gotta help us. You promised.

Sharon: Alright. We will assist and if you want me to start it up then I am NOT giving you a heads up, ok? You guys ought know when it is time.

Bush: I’m okay with that. So should we start-up with Syria concurrently? I mean it makes sense. Paul (Wolfowitz), Dick (Cheney), Richard (Perle) and Carl (Rove) have all advised me, we should.

Sharon: What do you think?

Bush: Ariel, be serious. When have you known me to think? My PNAC posse does my thinkin’.

Sharon: As they should. I say, you Go for it! Let the Pentagon work out the logistics of it, and let them get back to me.

Bush: Great. So now that our meetin’ is over, how ‘bout some barbeque ribs? We can eat while we watch a movie. How ‘bout Diehard, or Terminator3? I’ve even got the TV series ‘24’ on DVD. It is hard for me to follow but I like those action and torture scenes.

Sharon: Do you have the ‘Passion of the Christ’? ….. I haven’t seen it.

Bush: No but I have the Ten Commandments on VHS.

Sharon: George, you’ve got all this land on your ranch, …..acres and acres of fertile, unused land, and I was thinking that if I could build…

Bush: No way dude! I ain’t lettin’ you build settlements on my land!

Sharon: Antisemite!

Bush: Where?!

A SHORT Q & A AFTER THE FUNERAL

President: Now, before I start are there any further questions? …..No? Good!

Press: Mr. President, I have a question! It has been reported that during your attendance at the Pope’s funeral, when your face appeared on giant screen TVs showing the ceremony, many in the crowds outside St. Peter’s Square booed looking at your image. Any comment?

President: That news has been disreported, uh, I mean, falsely mispresented. What the crowd actually was chanting was “BOOO-SSHH!” (Bush). I was very deeply moved by that because the same crowd had just a few minutes earlier shouted, “Cinco Sapos” for Holy Father, the late pope. And as you all know…

Press: Excuse me, Mr. President, but ‘Cinco Sapos’ is Spanish for Five Toads.

President: Really? ..uh,…..Ah, yes! They were referring to the ‘Parable of the Five Toads’, which comes from the new revised version of the revised version of the Book of Saints.

Press: Actually, Mr. President, the crowd at St. Peter’s were shouting “Santo Subito”, which in Italian means ‘endured saint’, or ‘saint soon’.

President: Sure it does. Next question, yes Jeff?

Press: Mr. President, Jeff (Gannon) is not here.

President: …Certainly, he's not. I was actually referring to that lady there.

Press: Mr. President, my name is Hilda, not Jeff.

President: Of course it is, and your question is?

Press: What are you plans now after attending the funeral?

President: Well, I will be returning back to DC, and as Ms. Rice had an extensive trip abroad, I plan to pump her thoroughly in the debriefing room, regarding her visits with the various world leaders.

Press: One last question, Mr. President. How is the ‘War on Terror’ being fought at home, back in the US?

President: Very well I think… I mean Mike Chertoff at the DHS is doing an excellent job keeping the American citizens safe from the evil-doers. Since 911, our alert status remains at YELLOW, which means ‘Elevated’. Should the evil-doers show signs of working towards another impending attack, our alert status will rise to ORANGE, which as you know means ….uh,…. ‘Extremely Attentive’. But although we are currently at YELLOW, the public mindset is actually at ORANGE due to the constant flow of information on the news. As for me, I see RED all the time against the doers of evil. RED Status as you are aware means ‘TOTALLY HIGH’.

Thank you very much, I have to leave now, as the First Lady needs to do some shopping and I want to try out some of your fine Italian cuisine, like a large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke.